Equine Blooming

I think about my body a lot.

Like, a LOT. How it looks, how it feels, what my sensations are, what it needs, what it wants… she occupies a rather large portion of my brain.

& quite frankly- she has a lot of power over me. She stops me when she’s sick, wakes me up when she’s rested, sits me down when she’s tired.

Thinking about my body allows me to clothe her appropriately. Allows me to tend to her bug bites & bruises.

But what that doesn’t mean is that I make decisions for her based on how I feel ABOUT her.

Those decisions are made based on the messages she sends me- not how I once might have interrupted them.

They are sacred, my holy space. The place of connection between my brain that powers my life & the body that lets me live it.

I will always think about her, her wants, needs, desires.

But never again will I betray her trust. She is my responsibility, & I wear her with pride 💛

The idea that an ED diagnosis is a life long sentence crippled me- for a very long time.

I was ✨convinced✨ there was no point in really recovering, if that meant I was just going to relapse again.

So for a long time, that’s what I did.

I managed, I coped, I tried. & as a mentor of mine says “managing is an approximation of regulation.” So for those years I hold no shame. I did the best I could, my supports did the best they could.

But eventually it snapped. There wasn’t going to be a sentence uttered in nativity hanging over my head for the rest of my life. Thanks to the incredible example of & other fully recovered individuals I started down a different path.

I now consider myself fully recovered. My body is my own, food holds no power over me. That’s not to say there aren’t difficulties, that my life is perfect- but I have put those things back in their proper place, away from the control they once held over me.

A journey I am very, very grateful for 🤍 a journey I hope to continue to use to raise awareness- it’s not a lifelong sentence, it’s not the end. It’s the chance to heal, to live a fuller life than you ever imagined.

{side note- the pic on the bottom left of the second slide cracks me up. My dad took that after I was discharged from treatment at one point. Very “last day of school!” But make it psych ward 😂}