Harvey D. Cottrell

Why does dating begin to feel less like a connection and more like a strategy?

I’ve been hearing this question a lot lately.

Not because people don’t want love
But because the way we’re dating is slowly pulling us away from how connection actually forms.

It starts subtly.

You begin thinking about timing.
What to say.
How not to seem too interested.
When to pull back.

And before you know it, you’re no longer meeting someone…
You’re managing how you’re perceived.

That’s where the shift happens.

Dating turns into performance.
People become profiles.
And the connection is replaced by a calculation.

But real intimacy doesn’t grow that way.

It grows where:
– You can be yourself without editing
– the other person can reflect and take ownership
– There is mutual effort, not one person carrying it

Not perfect. Not instant.
Just real.

If you’re feeling burned out, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
It may mean your nervous system is pushing back against something that isn’t built for depth.

So maybe the question isn’t:
“How do I do this better?”

Maybe it’s:
“What would it look like to show up honestly… and see what’s actually here?”

You’re not trying to win the date.
You’re discerning if something real is possible.

— Harvey Cottrell, LCSW.





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Today, following the U.S. Supreme Court’s March 31, 2026 decision in Chiles v. Salazar, I want to state my position plainly and without ambiguity: as a licensed clinical social worker and trauma-informed therapist, I do not provide, endorse, refer for, or participate in so-called “conversion therapy” or any practice that attempts to change, suppress, or “correct” a person’s sexual orientation.

My position is grounded in professional ethics, clinical integrity, and established scientific evidence. Sexual orientation is not a disorder requiring treatment. There is no credible scientific evidence that therapy can change a person’s sexual orientation, and attempts to do so have been associated with harm. The American Psychological Association’s task force found that such efforts are unlikely to be effective and can involve risk, including depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has likewise stated that therapies directed at specifically changing sexual orientation are not supported by the evidence and may provoke guilt, anxiety, and a sense of personal failure while interfering with healthy identity development.

The World Health Organization, through PAHO, has stated that services claiming to “cure” people with non-heterosexual orientation lack medical justification and represent a serious threat to health and well-being.

For that reason, my practice remains committed to care that is ethical, evidence-based, trauma-informed, and rooted in human dignity. I will support clients in living truthfully and safely, not in submitting to shame-based or coercive efforts to erase who they are.

There is nothing pathological about being gay, le***an, bisexual, or otherwise sexually diverse. No child. No adolescent. No adult needs to be “fixed.”

References

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2018). Conversion therapy. https://www.aacap.org/aacap/Policy_Statements/2018/Conversion_Therapy.aspx

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (2009). Position on reparative/conversion therapy. https://www.aamft.org/AAMFT/About_AAMFT/Position_Statements.aspx

American Psychiatric Association. (2024). Position statement on conversion therapy and LGBTQ patients. https://www.psychiatry.org/about-apa/policy-finder/position-statement-on-conversion-therapy-and-lgbtq

American Psychological Association. (2009). Report of the Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation.https://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/therapeutic-response.pdf

American Psychological Association. (2021). Resolution on sexual orientation change efforts.https://www.apa.org/about/policy/resolution-sexual-orientation-change-efforts.pdf

Blosnich, J. R., Henderson, E. R., Coulter, R. W. S., Goldbach, J. T., & Meyer, I. H. (2020). Sexual orientation change efforts, adverse childhood experiences, and su***de ideation and attempt among sexual minority adults, United States, 2016–2018. American Journal of Public Health, 110(7), 1024–1030. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2020.305637

Fenaughty, J., Tan, K., Ker, A., Veale, J., Saxton, P., & Alansari, M. (2023). Sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts for young people in New Zealand: Demographics, types of suggesters, and associations with mental health. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 52(1), 1–16. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-022-01693-3

Fish, J. N., Watson, R. J., Porta, C. M., Russell, S. T., & Saewyc, E. M. (2020). Sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts are unethical and harmful. American Journal of Public Health, 110 8, 1113–1114. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7349462/

Green, A. E., Price-Feeney, M., Dorison, S. H., & Pick, C. J. (2020). Self-reported conversion efforts and suicidality among US LGBTQ youths and young adults, 2018. American Journal of Public Health, 110 8 , 1221–1227. https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2020.305701

Pan American Health Organization. (2012, May 17). “Therapies” to change sexual orientation lack medical justification and threaten health. https://www.paho.org/en/news/17-5-2012-therapies-change-sexual-orientation-lack-medical-justification-and-threaten-health

Rafferty, J., Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, Committee on Adolescence, & Section on Le***an, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Health and Wellness. (2018). Ensuring comprehensive care and support for transgender and gender-diverse children and adolescents. Pediatrics, 142(4), Article e20182162. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2018-2162

Ryan, C., Toomey, R. B., Diaz, R. M., & Russell, S. T. (2020). Parent-initiated sexual orientation change efforts with LGBT adolescents: Implications for young adult mental health and adjustment. Journal of Homosexuality, 67(2), 159–173. https://doi.org/10.1080/00918369.2018.1538407

Salway, T., Ferlatte, O., Gesink, D., Lachowsky, N. J., Wang, J., Ryan, S., & Gilbert, M. (2020). Prevalence of exposure to sexual orientation change efforts and associated sociodemographic characteristics and psychosocial health outcomes among Canadian sexual minority men. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 65(7), 502–509. https://doi.org/10.1177/0706743720902629

Tran, N. K., Lett, E., Cassese, B., Streed, C. G., Jr., Kinitz, D. J., Ingram, S., Sprague, K., Dastur, Z., Lubensky, M. E., Flentje, A., Obedin-Maliver, J., & Lunn, M. R. (2024). Conversion practice recall and mental health symptoms in sexual and gender minority adults in the USA: A cross-sectional study. The Lancet Psychiatry, 11(11), 879–889. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(24)00251-7

What We Know Project, Cornell University. (n.d.). What does the scholarly research say about whether conversion therapy can alter sexual orientation without causing harm? https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-whether-conversion-therapy-can-alter-sexual-orientation-without-causing-harm/

Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law. (2019, June 6). Conversion therapy and LGBT youth. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/conversion-therapy-and-lgbt-youth/