Springfield Collaborative Divorce

Divorce is a time often fraught with worry and uncertainty. Many people experience an onslaught of conflicting and overwhelming emotions. Those things are true for adults who have at least some understanding and often somewhat reasonable expectations about what to expect. For children who are facing the process of divorce, it can be a terribly frightening and daunting experience. Unfortunately, the fears experienced by children during divorce are often only exacerbated when there is tension and contention leading up to the process.

The following are three most common fears that children experience during the divorce process.

That the divorce is their fault.
Divorce can be stressful. It is one of the most difficult situations most people will face in their lives. The fears people have are often driven by uncertainty about the future. There is also a grieving process as well as anger and bitterness and other emotions depending on the situation. When divorce becomes adversarial, parents sometimes go on the defensive. They may be worried about whether they will get to see their children or be able to afford to live. All of this can put people on the defensive. Unfortunately, children sometimes get put in the middle. Children are sometimes used as leverage.

For example, parents may be openly critical of the other during arguments in front of the children and these may involve accusations that they are not “doing right” by the children. When children over hear these arguments, they can fail to understand the real nature of the discussion, and consequently, falsely believe that it is all somehow their fault.

That they will not see both her parents on the regular basis.
It’s only natural that children would be afraid they won’t get to see one of their parents as much as the other. They may have friends who have gone through a divorce and experienced a situation where they didn’t get to see one of their parents very often. They may believe that their situation is going to be the same.

That they will be poor.
Children can be more perceptive than we sometimes give them credit. They know that the financial situation at home is going to change after the divorce. They may overhear conversations and get a general sense that mom or dad is worried about money, and how their lives will be affected by the divorce.

All of these are common and understandable fears children may have about divorce. It goes without saying that parents should make every effort to talk with their children and answer any questions they may have. Parents should do whatever they can to alleviate these worries. They may be real and valid concerns, but they are not a burden the children should have to bear.

Collaborative Divorce
By its very nature, the collaborative divorce process can help children to feel more at ease during the divorce process.

Collaborative Agreement

All parties in a collaborative divorce sign a participation agreement that outlines their commitment to the process and resolving their issues without litigation. The spouses know they will be working towards solutions that are mutually acceptable and win-win for all parties. This can reduce contention outside of the process.

Assistance of Collaborative Professionals

A key to the success of the collaborative process is the collaborative team of professionals. The spouses have the help of a team of experts who are neutral and there to help them find solutions. These include financial experts as well as child specialist and divorce coaches. Not only does the collaborative team help ease their own worries, but parents can get guidance from child specialists with regard to communicating with children.

Privacy and Confidentiality

Because all meetings take place in private and are confidential, the collaborative divorce process can help to insulate children from discussions about these issues.

Collaborative divorce may not be right for everyone, but many people it really can be a better way to end a marriage.

Common Worries Children Have About Divorce And How Collaborative Divorce Can Help Divorce is a time often fraught with worry and uncertainty. Many people experience an onslaught of conflicting and overwhelming emotions. Those things are true for adults who have at least some understanding and often somewhat reasonable expectations about what to expect. For children who are facing...

How Is Different Than Traditional Divorce Litigation?

Collaborative Family Law Brings Out The Best In People Amidst A Difficult Situation

There is no way around it. Divorce is hard. But let's forget about the actual legal process of getting a divorce for a moment, and simply consider the circumstances leading up to it. Even when both parties have agreed to end the marriage, it can be a dreadfully painful experience. Many people have said that divorce feels a lot like the death of a loved one. There is a similar grieving process. The Holmes And Rahe Stress Scale ranks divorce in second place for the most stressful events that a person may go through in life.1

Like those grieving over the death of a loved one, someone going through the end of a marriage may experience all five stages of grief including: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.2 People may not experience all stages in the same order. Staged may overlap as well.

Ending a marriage is an emotional roller coaster. And that is more than enough for most people to deal with. If the days of our lives were compared to the weather, it would be a severe thunderstorm. Unfortunately, people are rarely able to weather the storm, before a litigious divorce process turns it into something that feels more like an Cat 5 hurricane. Even couples with the best intentions can be caught up in the spiraling vortex of emotion driven by fear, and a legal process that was designed for proving who’s right and who’s wrong instead of for ending a marriage and restructuring a family.

There is an emotional component when it comes to divorce, and its impact on the family that goes so much deeper than a legal contract.
Attorney Melissa Fecak writes,

"Marriage is an intricate tapestry consisting of a legal agreement, a financial partnership, and personal relationships that extend well beyond the married couple...Marriage involves sharing of every part of your life. You share some of the most intimate moments that two people can ever experience. You share experiences, make memories and children together. Your lives can become intertwined with a common circle of friends and extended family on both sides. Many of these people were there when you said your marriage vows. They were likely there when you celebrated the birth of your children, moved into that new home, or got the job you'd been hoping for. The circle of friends, family, coworkers and neighbors were likely there to provide support during the tough times as well. ...This labyrinth of relationships bound together by shared experiences and deep emotional connections didn't develop simply because of a piece of paper, and likewise, cannot be undone with another piece of paper."3

In divorce we have people who are going through tremendous emotional pain, and uncertainty who are then being thrust into the legal process. Given the circumstances, it is only natural to become defensive and try to hold onto those people and things that provide a sense of security and certainty.

According to Pauline Tesler, co-author of Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues,

"“Blood pressure rises, heartbeat speeds up, cortisol floods the bloodstream. As a direct result the newer cognitive centers of the brain – located in the neocortex, which engages in cause and effect thinking and in imagining new solutions to old problems – go offline for as long as several hours after a triggering memory while the “fight, flight, or play dead” response plays out in body and mind. Some studies have suggested a substantial temporary drop in I.Q. of 30 points or more when a spouse experiences rejection by the former partner."4

Considering the emotional state of people, it’s actually surprising that more divorce cases don't end up like the 1989 movie, War of the Roses, starring Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas. It is the story of a wealthy couple and what appears to be a perfectly happy marriage. When the marriage begins to crumble, a vicious and contentious legal battle unfolds over material possessions.

In the movie, Oliver Rose’s attorney, Gavin D’Amato (played by Danny DeVito) said,

“When a couple starts keeping score, there is no winning. There are only degrees of losing.”

Many divorce attorneys can relate to that statement. But the problem isn't necessarily the fact that a marriage is ending. The problem isn't usually that the spouses have it out for one another.
The problem is that the litigation process wasn't designed for the unique intricacies involved in divorce. Divorce litigation can bring out the worst in people during an already difficult situation.

That is where collaborative family law shines.

Collaborative Family Law

There are two characteristics of collaborative family law that give it the ability to bring out the best in people during the difficult and painful circumstances of divorce.

Collaborative Law:

Takes Litigation Off The Table

So much of the legal posturing in the divorce litigation process culminates from the fear of loss. This is not surprising. People are making decisions that will affect their financial and emotional futures, as well as the time they will get to spend with their children. Collaborative law removes the threat of litigation, and consequently fosters an environment of honest and open communication. All parties agree to a good faith effort to achieving the resolution of all disputed issues outside of the court system. Even the attorneys have an incentive to find solutions rather than make accusations. If for some reason negotiation breaks down, the attorneys are no longer able to represent the parties.

Eliminates The Uncertainty Associated With Court

In the collaborative process, spouses no longer must be worried about the decision of the judge. The judge is no longer going to be making decisions about your future. With the help of a collaborative team of experts, the spouses seek to find creative solutions that are win-win for all parties. In the collaborative divorce, the divorcing couple has complete control over the outcome and agreement.

There are many other benefits to collaborative family law. It also typically cost less than traditional adversarial divorce, protects your privacy, and shields children from the fighting.

Notes:
1. https://www.stress.org/holmes-rahe-stress-inventory/
2. Five Stages of Grief
https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
3. Fecak, Melissa. Who's Packing Your Divorce Parachute? (2018)
4. https://collaborativedivorcetexas.com/when-emotion-overwhelms-reason/

Holmes- Rahe Stress Inventory

What Is Collaborative Divorce?

You’ve heard of collaborative divorce. It sounds like it has significant benefits. But you’re not quite sure what “collaborative divorce” is. What makes it different from a “typical” divorce?

In simplest terms, a collaborative divorce means your attorneys, and any other professionals involved in the process, are going to collaborate to help you minimize the damage to your family as you and your spouse reach a legal settlement about how you will separate and divorce.

Attorneys who are collaborative?

When we think of attorneys, we tend to think of people who like to argue. This isn’t true. Most attorneys don’t like conflict any more than other people. But attorneys are trained to be adversarial because it’s the way jury trials work. Lawyers argue their cases to a jury, and the jury decides who wins. So lawyers argue. They’re trained to be adversarial.

When lawyers are adversarial in getting couples to reach a divorce settlement, well, it can tear even further the already frayed fabric of the family structures that need to survive the divorce. It can have a devastating impact on your own emotional health, your financial health, but most importantly, it can do substantial injury to the well-being of your children, no matter what their age. We know. We’ve seen it.

About twenty-five years ago, some forward-thinking attorneys realized it was a mistake for them to bring the adversarial process into divorce matters. They decided to be collaborative instead.

The commitment to be collaborative is confirmed in a Collaborative Participation Agreement. In this Agreement, both attorneys (the attorney representing the wife and the attorney representing the husband—or the attorneys representing each partner if a same-sex couple), pledge not to bring a lawsuit against the other spouse. Whew! You never wanted to go to court, now you don’t have to. But, if you get in the collaborative process and decide you do want to go through a court divorce, you can. It would just need to be with a different attorney.

So if no court, then what?

Once you and your spouse decide to use the collaborative process, the process itself is not complicated. You will be asked to gather all the financial, real estate, and other documents that the lawyers will need to help you figure out your financial plan going forward. You will decide whether you want to have a child specialist (who is a child psychologist) as part of the team to help you decide on your parenting plan going forward. You will consider whether there are any other professionals you want on the team (financial specialist, business valuator, CPA, appraiser). Then you and your spouse will meet with the two attorneys in a series of two-hour conferences. The conferences are typically spaced with one to three weeks in between. The attorneys guide you through the conversations you need to have to reach agreement on a marital settlement.

But will I be protected?

The beauty of the collaborative process is you get the benefit of reduced conflict, but at the same time the protection of an attorney making sure your interests are taken care of in any settlement. Attorneys who are experienced in and who have significant training in the collaborative process will expertly help you protect what really matters: your financial, your emotional, and your children’s well-being.