Individual Awakening Movement, LLC

Ten years ago an envelope arrived in the mail. It had a stamp of approval that I was divorced. We had already left our home, family, friends, animals all behind for months. But here I sat, on my bed in my new home, reading the words. I wanted to celebrate, but had no friends yet (over a thousand miles from home) to celebrate with.

It's not that I am necessarily an advocate for divorce… but I am. I don't believe in staying in bad relationships for “the sake of the kids.” What would that be teaching them? To settle? To endure? To not have boundaries or respect of self-love?

Divorce is bravery. Divorce is self love.
It is not affairs, lies, drugs, p**n, lack of intimacy- touch- or s*x, financial issues, lack of trying, nothing in common, religious differences, no fun anymore.

Divorce is bravery and self love.

Divorce is not a lack of courtship and purity, friendship and love, commitment and sacrifice or a lack of God in their life.

Divorce in modern times seems to be a place for finger pointing, judgement, and taking sides.

But divorce is bravery. Divorce is selflove.

Divorce is an understanding with yourself, and a relationship with your higher power that that higher power still loves you and believes in you and knows you are doing the right thing.

THAT is why divorce is bravery. That is why it is self-love. Some will thankfully never understand that amount of bravery. To the rest of you, who have walked this path,- I totally believe when you walked away you had bleed your heart out in trying. And I am SOOO PROUD of your bravery!!!

Understanding and honoring the pain in this bravery is where the friend of the divorced and the divorcee can meet in love...

Although I too wanted my "happily ever after and forever" I have to say as a divorced single mom myself, I am proud of people who are advocating for themselves and their families. Divorce should not be frowned on. Why does this have to be a place of fear of rejection and no longer “fitting in”. Why can it not be a celebration of love!?

This is not a place of judgment! No one has walked in your shoes! This is a place of love, true friendships.

Love of what was shared in that time period. And yet, a celebration of falling in love with yourself again; being strong enough to say, "things have changed, I’m grateful for the past and excited for the future!"

So although I send love to the hearts of my friends struggling with this right now, I send power to your soul! Love yourself! 💕

There will be naysayers who will be full of all kinds of "facts" from the Bible and psychologists; but those "friends/family" will probably never understand all the emotion, money, prayers, therapy sessions, and time spent in "trying" to save a marriage.

They will never understand how much courage it took to "get out.” They will never understand how bad you wanted the marriage; but that you believe God would not want you in a marriage full of the things that tear people's souls into ripped pieces.

So to you I say congratulations! Do not let the hurt poison your soul! Be grateful for the good times and be grateful for being your own best advocate!!

Life is not about mistakes. It is about chapters in your book of journeys.

Who says divorce is a mistake? Your religious friends/family? That's what I thought. But they can't receive guidance for your life.

I always thought I would have that specific life that was laid out for me for as long as I can remember. My parents were a reflection of it, my religion often spoke of it. I created that life for 14 years. When I walked away from all of it, I struggled with the old belief that I was not worthy or worth it or enough or doing things the right way. It took years and a lot of self love to look at my new life, in uncharted waters. And why? Because I listened to the cousin who said I was going to hell, because “divorce was not in the Bible.” Because I listened to judgmental friends that only cared about the drama. Because I did not understand self-love, because I cared what people thought. Because although I was strong enough to leave, I was sad that I was leaving the “idea” of marriage.

I had to fight the label in my head that people have profiled "divorce" life as messy, with labels that are just untrue.

I am enjoying my divorced pages of my life so much more than I ever did my marriage.

I have learned and experienced deeper relationships with family members that have stood by my side.

I have experienced the beauty of friendships that show blood is not thicker than water for many men and women who have shown up for me; not because they had too, but because they wanted too.

I have a unique relationship with my children because we have grown up together ❤

And my love life is slower, more detailed, I know what I need and want and what I want to give. I am grateful for things that were missing. And love to give the things that weren't received.

Life is chapters in your book. No regrets. Just chapters. If you didn't have those chapters you wouldn't be the beautiful YOU.

©️2024, Jennifer Sperry Ink, LLC. Book 2 of The IAM Series. “The Love is in the Grey”

This is one of my writings I have written yet. I hope leaving it here again, helps someone as they read through the ideas…

My Lilli is getting a tattoo. Yep, she is a Junior in high school. Yes, she has my consent.

Do I think teenagers should get tattoos at such a young age, with such a life commitment? No. But my job as a parent is not to “control” my child. Her self-control is not learned by me demanding her to be a “little Jennifer” and doing everything “I believe in”. Self-control is learned guidance from a trusted adult, with healthy interaction, encouraged through trial and error on both the child and the parents’ part. I wasn’t given my children from God, or their birthmoms, to raise them under control, as my possession. It is not my job to “allow” my child to only do certain things.

The only thing you can control as a parent, is how you love your child and how you react to your child. That is it.

Your child is not here for you to redeem your past, create the life you never lived, or forbid them to do all the things you did; they are not your property, any more than you are your parent’s property. When you lead and parent in this way you create unhealthy relationships with your child. You teach them you are not a safe adult to come to. They learn to fear you. They learn to not trust you.

They learn to lie.

Don’t let what you can’t stop, keep you from what you CAN do!
You can’t stop your child having their desires; your child WILL find a way around you.

Our behavior, as parents mold who they become.
You are meant to lead, not manipulate.
Support, not shame.
Encourage, not threaten.
Guide, not punish.
LISTEN NOT LECTURE.

You have a choice as a parent when a child comes to you and says, they want to have s*x with that boyfriend, try pot/alcohol, go to that party, LGBTQIA+, date a POC, or in my case, “get this tattoo” to respond with “NOT IN MY HOUSE YOU WON’T”.

Or..., you can choose to listen.

Listen to why it is important to them.

No, ...it doesn’t matter your religious beliefs, your personal opinion, nothing matters, …but to listen. I promise you will miss out on their heart if you don’t listen.

Listen.

You might learn something so deep about your child in this moment.

After you listen, then you can guide. Talk about risk, life choices and their impacts, age, all the responsible things a parent should say; but only after you listen.

No yelling.
No narcissistic guilt.

Just facts and family values taught in love. And then you LISTEN again.

Listen.

You will get that choice again, to respond with “NOT IN MY HOUSE”. Hopefully your heart is softer after you have heard your child’s heart and you will see the impact of those words if you choose to use them.

For me, I got to hear Lilli’s beautiful connection with the art that she wants. Every tiny piece that means something to her; her tribute to survival during something that really impacted her. This artwork she wants on her body is important to HER. Because I listened, she was able to hear me talk about how ideas and art can change, how a tattoo may or may not impact her work, and the risks involved with keloid skin. Because I listened, I got to sit down with her and look at artwork she had been thinking of. I got to hear her silent secrets she had been holding, that she hadn’t been brave enough to share yet.

For the last year, I got to go to the big city and talk to tattoo artists with her. I got to go to many tattoo parlors to have them educate us on this first tattoo; we talked about scaring, colors with her melanin, art, and so much more. I had her go with an adult friend that was getting a tattoo to see what it was really like.

Because I listened, I got to still teach and guide my daughter through it. Because I listened, I have shown her she can come to me, and even though it may not be what I wanted for her at 17 years old, I understand it is her body and I respect her.

It is more important to me that she doesn’t do it behind my back, feel like she has to hide it, or always question her own self-worth because I FORCED my opinion on her. It means that we have talked and researched for a year together; I feel like she heard me and my guidance and I feel like I heard her and her why.

It means, I showed her, when she has a choice in the world that is big to her, she can come to me. I created trust. I encouraged space for honesty.

It means that in 6 months she can do it anyway, she will be an adult then. That won’t change how I may or may not feel about tattoos, but how I react may or may not impact my relationship with her.

So, I choose to respect her and let her make this choice for her, and I will stand beside her. She knows how I feel.

I led. She followed. I taught, she taught, we both learned. Whether it is right to our community, religion, family, etc., I don’t care, because I care about this moment, right here. I don’t own her. I am her guide as she becomes an adult. I am sent here to love her no matter what. That means there will be things throughout life that we may believe differently. And that is not only okay, it is beautiful!

You could add any parenting challenge as I mentioned above. Yes, there are topics that are more dangerous than others and would possibly not fit completely in this structure. But how we respond is the childhood trauma we create for them to recover from as an adult.

If they are absolutely set on s*x, you cannot stop them from having it. They will sneak out behind your back, and you will have missed the opportunity to talk about safe s*x, the beauty of intimacy between trusting partners, etc.

If they are coming out to you as an LGBTQIA+, you will miss the opportunity to love them through one of the hardest things they have to reconcile with.

The list is long. No religious debate, shaming the family name, etc., etc., can compromise this type of parenting. You are raising beautiful humans, unique in their thoughts and beliefs. They are not yours to “control”. They are yours to lead in love, and to be there when they say, “I absolutely want this, and I am going to do it”.

If you heard in this writing “LET THE CHILD SIN”, you have missed the point.

Copyright © 2021 Jennifer Sperry, all rights reserved

The other day me and the kids were talking about how they found out about Santa. Reese's story actually makes me sad. Some do good parent told their kids it was a lie and told their children to spread the word. 🤬

Here is my opinion of Santa. I'm sure, because of my personality, you know I believe in magical happy things!

But, to me, Santa is real. His magic does reflect the season. You can say he is all about retail sales and take away from the true meaning of Christmas and where is Christ, and a thousand other negative things.

I see Santa Claus as a representation of the scripture, Mathew 6.4, "that thine alms may be in secret."

To me Santa creates hope, he helps people spread love, bring people of all differences together; things like "Secret Santa", Angel Trees, Toys for Tots, are created. And yes! We should be doing these things all year! But how beautiful is it that throughout the WORLD we are spreading love for one whole amazing MONTH!!! That is huge! I can't think of one vibration that is bigger, and connects more people for that length of time.

Neighbors bake gifts to go over and visit; communities come together to sing. Life gets busy and this season helps us reconnect and spread our love and hugs with people.

Again, one can take it as a negative; a place to stress, to keep up with The Jones', to fight traffic and add more complaints to your life. But that is on you! No one tells you what you have to spend or buy, that is what you have accepted from others opinions.

Only you can see the joy he represents.

My family, since I was a little girl, has always been big on, "thine alms may be in secret." It has always been my favorite part of the year because my parents would go buy tons of gifts and food and have an envelope full of money and we would choose one family we knew was struggling.

Then together we would place everything on the doorstep, ding the doorbell and run! As times changed we would see how far our cordless phone would stretch and my dad would say in his deep, rough voice, something about reindeer pooping on their doorstep and we would park far enough away and giggle as we watched them come out.

We did the angel tree, and sub for Santa's; but this "secret", where nobody knew, -we didn't come together as a community, we didn't shop with anyone, we didn't plan with our religious group- "that thine alms may be in secret" was the most impactful part for me. Just like Santa. Quietly leaving gifts, no thank you or pat on the back needed, just a beautiful quiet moment with my family. A reflection that we are blessed so therefore we should bless others.

I don't talk about this much, because it so special to me. I have passed the tradition down to my kids. A family fell into our lap this year and last night we wrapped and got excited about sharing a secret night with them.

To the parent that spoiled it for Reese, I want you to know I tell my kids Santa's magic is very real. He helps us reconnect every year to share more love, and that once you know "the secret of Santa", it is your job to protect the secret of Santa to keep him and his magic alive and to help take the load off Santa by being his helper.

May we all stop focusing on what Christmas is not. It is all in attitude. You either focus on the busy, mean people, the crowded stores, the credit card bills, the family gathering; or you focus on the joy!💕 That choice is yours alone.

But as for me and my kids! We are so excited to share some joy in secret this week! And to yes, help Santa with his job.

*side note. I read a book by George D. Durrant, "That Thine Alms May Be In Secret", to my kids every year before we go out. It is such a quick book that makes me cry every time. I will include it in the comments.

Copyright 2019@Jennifer Sperry