Bitterness is My Name

Why am I grieving this loss I know is best?
Is it really a loss at all?
Oh the painfully human fixation of what could have been if it were just a little better...
Easier on the nervous system...

I hold her back usually, the romantic delusional one in my weary head
But I shall let her out for just a bit here...

I wish you were with me in the car...
I like the tone and cadence of your voice
So intrigued to know something more about just your type: emotionally and mentally guarded
Slow to share
I wish I could feel your hand on mine like at the movie theater
Some form of magic was there between our fingers
I wish I could have you in my bed...
Those beguiling, intoxicating bright eyes
Sober as a judge to be fully with me there as you were physically
I want to hear more of your sounds, thoughts, intense eye gazing
I want to take you to nature to reconnect you

But alas- the sickness of this world- it infects us both in different ways.
I am deeply sad I have been worn down too much to be able to help you.
But I can't anymore with someone I'm not getting through to...
Addiction and mental illness has you in its chokehold
It will make me deeply sad for a long time
In those minutes in my day I'm even able to feel superfluous things.
If this world wasn't so harsh maybe you would have been stronger...
And I would be kinder...

All of this probably some delusion in my head as I was probably little to you other than to use.

A horrifying vast sea of adult aged broken boys. Even if I extinguished myself completely with effort it wouldn't be enough to make a difference.
That is why I must bare my fangs- gleaming with self preservation

How horribly selfish your lot is trying to connect with someone like me.

I completely release the thought of you and hope for better connection sooner than later as I am weary of starvation.

I'll Never be the Right One

Maybe I will never find real love
Because I'm not the right one
That's what they say:
Everyone is trying to find the right one instead of be it
I tried
So desperately
For so many years
Just to receive lies, disloyalty and emotional neglect among the long list
A nervous system with a diagnosed fry and crash
Chronic now, what that means always seeping in more and more the years I age
I guess I'll never be the right one now
I'll never find the one thing I never really had in life with another human
Realizing I may never heal in this lifetime
Will never be the right one
Simultaneously my interest in people and "romantic" relationships wane by the day
Maybe it's because deep down
I'll never be the right one
To find the right one

Lost to time, space, all sense of life
Running, running, running
Running from pain
Running from my ruined nervous system
Running from memories
Running from repetition
Running from disappointment
Running in hopes of something better
Running from insanity
Dragging along innocents that are simply grateful to be alive
Fine to be where we were
Running from it, but it's all inside me
Broken brain wanting to not be defiled while frozen
So keep moving
Keep moving
Keep running
To prove to yourself you can.
Will it end?
It has to
You're wearing thin
Stop being so selfish.
The grass is the same color just a different shade of disappointment
You're still alone and lost
Associating with nothing serious
Belong no where
Existential dread
Still have no direction on what even is the point of life.
What is the FU***NG POINT OF ALL OF THIS?!
The idea of better is minutia.