FACT

"Children need your attachment more than you need to protect your heart." - Jen Lilley, actress, foster & adoptive mom 💭

In Episode 93 of the Foster Friendly Podcast, Brian Mavis sits down with Dr. John DeGarmo and Jen Lilley to talk honestly about foster care, advocacy, community support, and their new book, Called to Foster?: An Honest Guide to Getting Started. 📖

Their conversation is a powerful reminder that while foster care can be challenging, every child deserves adults who show up with love, stability, and courage. 🙌

🎧 Listen to Episode #93 at the link below:
https://americaskidsbelong.org/blog/keeping-it-real-what-every-foster-parent-needs-to-know-with-dr-john-degarmo-and-jen-lilley/

Okay, here it is. Another honest foster parent confession.

Some days I do not feel like being the kind one.
The gracious one.
The one who “understands trauma” and “leads with love.”

Some days I want to slam the door and say, “Are you serious right now?”
This is the plan?
This is what we are calling “best for the child”?

I watch my babies fall apart after visits.
I see the fear in their eyes when the system does not see what I see.
I listen to professionals talk about these kids like they are files and paperwork instead of little humans whose hearts are breaking in real time.

And I am supposed to nod politely and say, “Thanks for the update”?

Some days I want to scream.
Some days I want to fight.
Some days I want someone, anyone, to care as much as I do.

And then I hear it in my spirit.

You said yes.

You did not say yes to a perfect system.
You did not say yes because it would be easy.
You said yes because a child needed love and you could not look away.

I am not some polished savior.
I am not a saint with endless patience.

I cry in my car.
I panic before court.
I question the system.
I question myself.
I cry out to God more than people probably realize.

But I am still here.

Not because I am strong.
Not because I always handle this beautifully.
But because God has not let me walk away.

This work is holy.
And holy work is messy.

It is loud.
It is painful.
It is exhausting.
And some days it absolutely makes you feel a little unhinged.

But it is also sacred.
And these children are worth every hard part of it.

So yeah.
I am tired.
I am emotional.
I am probably a little unhinged at this point.

But I am still saying yes.

Reunification is not redemption if the child is the one paying the price for it.

And I need people to hear that.

I will cheer for reunification all day long when it is truly safe.
When healing is real.
When the home is stable.
When the adults have done the deep, painful work of change.
When the child is not just surviving there, but safe there.

I believe families can heal.
I believe people can change.
I believe God restores broken things every single day.

But love alone is not enough.
Good intentions are not enough.
Wanting your child back is not the same thing as being ready to safely parent them.

And children should not have to bleed while adults figure it out.

That is the part people do not want to say out loud.

We celebrate reunification so quickly sometimes that we forget to ask how the child is actually doing.
We look at completed classes, passed drug screens, housing checklists, and court dates while ignoring the child having panic attacks, nightmares, aggressive behaviors, or complete emotional shutdown.

A child’s nervous system tells a story too.
And we need to start listening to it.

Because reunification should never come at the expense of a child’s safety, stability, or emotional well being.

I love biological families.
Deeply.
I pray for them often.
I have cried with them.
Rooted for them.
Believed in them.

But believing in redemption does not mean ignoring reality.

Real healing takes time.
Real change shows up in consistency.
In accountability.
In humility.
In choosing your child again and again even when nobody is watching.

And until that safety is truly there, we protect the child.
Not halfway.
Not conditionally.
Fully.

Every single time.

Because children are not practice runs for adult healing.
They are human beings deserving of safety now, not someday.

And grace for parents and protection for children should never be treated like opposing sides.

If we are truly child centered, then the child’s well being has to matter most.