Master Coaching Institute

3. Feed Your Brain Things That Create Powerful Proximity

If all we do is remove unhealthy influences,
we've only solved half the problem.

The real adventure begins when we ask:

What should we feed our minds?

If you wanted to create powerful proximity within yourself,
what would you intentionally expose your brain to?

Consider things like:
• Encouraging books
• Growth-oriented conversations
• Scripture
• Worship music
• Life-giving podcasts
• Time out in nature
• Gratitude journaling
• Meaningful relationships
• Stories of courage, hope, and transformation

Notice the common thread.
These are all things that move us toward growth.
Toward peace.
Toward wisdom.
Toward purpose.
Toward becoming more fully alive.

I've often said trauma healing isn't a destination.
It's supposed to take us somewhere … somewhere great.

The same is true for what we feed our minds.
The goal isn't simply to avoid negativity.

The goal is to intentionally create an internal environment where healing, wisdom, purpose, and fulfillment can flourish.

Because your brain becomes the environment you repeatedly expose it to.

One of my favorite writers, Ben Campbell Johnson,
offers these guidelines to build our thought life:
Worthwhile thoughts
Honest thoughts
Clear thoughts
Loving thoughts
Praiseworthy thoughts
Whatever has integrity and deserves admiration … these should dominate your thinking.

I couldn't have said it better.

2. What You Watch and Listen to Is Shaping You

Many of us trauma survivors marinate in things,
that quietly deepen the very brands we've been working to remove.

We wake up and check social media.
Then the news.
Then more social media.
Then more news.

Then endless scrolling...
videos,
opinions,
arguments,
outrage,
fear,
comparison.

And then we wonder why we feel...
anxious,
exhausted,
discouraged,
and overwhelmed.

Research has consistently linked excessive news consumption with... increased stress,
anxiety,
pessimism,
and emotional fatigue.

Heavy social media use has been linked with...
comparison,
loneliness,
depression,
and reduced life satisfaction.

I'm not suggesting we stick our heads in the sand or never check social media.

We should be informed.

But there's a difference between information and nourishment.

I love how Tony Robbins puts it:
"We are drowning in information and starved for wisdom."

Information isn't power.
What you do with good information is power.

Most of what we consume informs us. Very little of it nourishes us.

Imagine eating fast food for every meal.
You'd survive … but eventually your reflection in the mirror,
and your health, would show the truth.

Unfortunately, after trauma, we often seek “comfort” in unhealthy foods … and we also seek “comfort” from things that do not empower us mentally and emotionally.

(From my AA friend. “Addiction is something that ‘partially’ takes you from the moment, not entirely. But if you’re partially in the moment you’re not. Because you’re not giving priority to being present. You’re just biding your time till you can have what you’ve given your impulses to. Addiction trains your will...that it and it alone brings satisfaction...not moments that matter.”)

If your brain spends hours every day consuming...
fear,
outrage,
conflict,
criticism,
and comparison…
eventually your emotional life starts reflecting those inputs.

Especially for us as trauma survivors.

The inputs we choose either reinforce the branding that’s held us captive or help us break free and rewrite them.

Proximity is never neutral.
Because our mental consumption is NEVER neutral.

And what you repeatedly expose your brain to eventually leaves fingerprints on your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

This is not intended to be an overload.
Simplify and intensify.
Change what you know you should.
Keep what you know you can.

Please hear my heart in this: None of this is about judgment or condemnation. It's about becoming aware and intentional.

Many people are pouring out emotional poison because poison was poured into them first.

Not because they’re bad people.
Not because they don't love those in their home.

But trauma does not have to become the permanent atmosphere of our homes.

Healing can — and will — interrupt that cycle.

You can create emotional safety.
You can create peace.
You can shift the culture of your home.

You can become the person who changes the emotional legacy of your family.

Begin with small things...
-Quieten your tone.
-Repair quickly.
-Speak life intentionally.
-Create moments of connection.
-Regulate before reacting.
-Let kindness become normal.

When we grow up with a jaded or violated sense of intimacy … sharing the things we longed for then and didn’t get with those we love now, can be uncomfortable.

We’d rather stay to ourselves ... thank you very much.

Maybe that’s what Jesus meant when He said if you lose your life (your comfortable isolation) you’ll find a new way to do life.

Maybe He was saying if we wade into those uncomfortable waters where intimacy feels foreign, we’ll discover how to be it ... for life!

Because proximity is never neutral.
It is either powerful or poisonous.

The people closest to us are living inside the atmosphere we create every day. I know you desire to give them your best … to create an atmosphere where they can thrive.

So don't let unresolved trauma establish a culture of poison in your proximity.

Create an atmosphere so filled with ...
safety,
kindness,
peace,
growth,
and love…
that everyone around you begins healing simply because they’re near you.

3. Every Home Has a Culture

We hear a lot about "culture" in the business world. Every home develops a culture as well.

If we’re intentional about it, we can create a culture of powerful proximity.
If we ignore it, we may end up with a poisonous one.

Some homes feel ...
peaceful,
warm,
safe,
encouraging,
life-giving.

Others feel ...
critical,
chaotic,
cold,
tense,
unpredictable.

The culture of our homes shapes everyone living inside it. Especially the children.

Children don't just listen to the culture of a home. They absorb it.
Then as they become their own decision makers? They become it.

It's there that a child’s worldview is rooted by:
• How conflict is handled
• How emotions are expressed
• How people treat one another
• What love is
• What love feels like
• What relationships are supposed to look like

Unless healing interrupts the unhealthy cycles, those emotional cultures often get passed from generation to generation.

But here's the beautiful news: a healthy culture can be created intentionally.

Some qualities of a healthy home culture:
• Love
• Respect
• Emotional safety
• Accountability
• Repair efforts after conflict
• Kindness
• Laughter
• Encouragement
• Empathy
• Growth
• Grace

Not perfection.

Just intentionality bent towards ... healing. This is certainly not an exhaustive list — but it's a great starting point.

People in healthy homes still get hurt sometimes. They still disagree.
They still struggle.

But the atmosphere keeps pulling everyone back toward connection instead of fear.

That's powerful proximity.

And honestly?
It changes lives.
And futures.

Dramatically.

2. Love and Kindness Change the Emotional Climate of a Home

One of the greatest misconceptions about love is believing people automatically know they’re loved.

Sometimes they don’t.

Often, they don’t.

Not because love isn’t there… but because it isn’t consistently expressed.

(And when it is expressed, it’s often in minimal ways compared to the chaos and harshness.)

Trauma often causes people to become emotionally self-protective. So, we get busy trying to survive.

Busy managing our stress.

Calming, or at least containing, our anxiety.

Doing our best to hold everything together.

Without meaning to… all the warmth slowly disappears.

Affection decreases.

Kindness becomes inconsistent.

And those on the receiving end of this unpredictability do what they need to and join in on the reactionary civil war.

And then presence gets replaced by …

social media,

cell phones,

and other screens.

Relationships become void of life-giving connection.

My friends Drs. John and Julie Gottman discovered that thriving marriages consistently maintain significantly more positive interactions than negative ones — specifically, five or more positive interactions for every negative one.

Inside our homes, the small moments matter.

It doesn’t take much to change proximity poison to proximity power:

A smile
A soft touch
A warm greeting
A thoughtful text
A gentle response
A moment of attentiveness
Love is not merely felt in our hearts.

It’s felt in the atmosphere.

Or not.

Children especially experience love through emotional accessibility. They don’t need perfection, expensive vacations, or constant activity and entertainment.

What do they need?

Our presence.

Our warmth.

Our attunement.

Our safety.

Kindness changes more than just our emotions. It changes the amount of predictability.

Loving connection increases …

oxytocin production,

lowers stress hormones,

improves emotional regulation and even strengthens immune functioning.

Think about that.



Kindness literally helps heal bodies and brains.

The proximity of poison changes people. To their detriment.

Tragedy is … poison starts to seem normal and eventually creates with it,

a mental heaviness that seems like too much to face. That’s a living death.

BUT … the proximity of love changes people.

For their greatest good.



“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,

sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.”

King Solomon