Redeem Thyself

"Journaling is not about producing perfect words. It is about creating space for honesty, reflection, and discovery. It is about rambling, random thoughts, connecting the dots. There are days when my journaling is well organized; where lists are created. Dos and don'ts. Then there are days when my journal pages are full of lines, arrows, circles, words written on an angle, links created. Sometimes the act of writing reveals truths we did not know we were carrying until we see them on the page. Writing can help transform vague feelings and swirling thoughts into something tangible and understandable.

It is one of the reasons I am here. Whether or not you read this, it is that I have written it down. IG and FB are another outlet for me just to express myself. Organizing and sharing in complete thoughts. ~ julie

Silence has kept me safe for much of my life. Speaking up at work has almost been more comfortable than speaking up in community, in my personal life. Silence has been my protector. Silience helped me to survive, yet survival will not help me heal.
Finding safe people and safe spaces to tell the truth can be both terrifying and liberating. It actually is still terrifying. I am even still battling being literated. I have been liberated home, at least in a physcial stance. No one is here to hurt, harm, blame, shame, abuse. Yet, my inner child still has her clutches in me; the adult me. She has not yet liberated me. So, I practice. I keep assuring her that the adult me can protect her. I can keep her safe.

I have to remember, healing does not require telling everyone my story. It requires no longer hiding it from myself. If I want to heal, I can no longer hide the emotions that continue to hold me back. It is time to let them out ~ julie

I am currently working in a community where Mark Twain came during the mid-1800s to experience the California Gold Rush. His name is on hospitals, road, schools, community centers, businesses, and landmarks. He is everywhere. And, people embrace his name and the frog jumping contest in which he is also famous. Yet, isn't there more to life? Isn't there more to what can be? I think that may be why Twain needed to experience a life he had not witnessed.

Anxiety reminds me that imagined futures are inevitable, even though fears never come to pass. Worry can consume energy that might otherwise be used for living, creating, healing, and connecting. Learning to separate possibility from probability is an important step toward peace and emotional freedom. So, I am out experiencing life. Moving about, experiencing people, cultures, communities....eventually, I hope to find where home is. Have you found home? ~ julie

I often feel behind. So much of life is behind me. Time is becoming shorter. yet, there is so much to do. I am just learning who I am; what I want and need; what i want to experience, the words I want to share, the stories to tell. For me, I am not returning. I am just becoming. yet, healing is not a race. There is no universal timeline for becoming who I am. Sometimes I have to let life pause, survive, grieve, or rebuild before moving forward again.

Maybe returning can mean coming back to my soul, the voice lost only to be heard for the first time. Living my values, my faith, my voice, my dreams....no longer in secrecy; buried within me. Rather, living life for others to see, hear, and witness. ~ julie

Parenting my daughters as mom and dad....it was a lot. Yet, I had already learned the art of stuffing myself; stuffing myself full of the emotions, needs, frustrations that often come from parenting. As my daughters would tell you, I sacrificed. Not just sacrificing of time, money, material items. I sacrified who I wanted to be, who I was. My primary responsibilty was to raise two strong and independent daughters; being a parent while quietly laying the foundation for a lifetime of friendship. I well remember the one tie, well maybe two times, that my exhaustion, patience, and calm went out the window. I can honestly say I very, very seldom cus.

One day, after having picked up my mocha from Starbucks and driving to church with my younger daughter I spilled my mocha. Out came the words D*** it. The rest of the ride to and from church was silent. Why? As my daughter would later recount, she had never heard me cuss. I really think she was so stunned that the car ride to and from was just silence.

We all have our moments. Be kind to yourself ~ julie

Healing and growth are rarely linear. As is much of life, I find everything cyclical - like the seasons. There is season for everything. Our healing comes in cycles too. I don't expect to heal something in a given season, a cycle. Rather, I have to go back and visit it again and again. And, it does mean that one step forward does not mean two steps backward. Becoming often includes setbacks, grief, and uncertainty alongside progress. The woman I am becoming is facisnating. I am discovering layers of myself I never knew existed. It is almost like opening a wrapped gift under the tree. As each gift is reveal, I am most often in awe. But other times, I find disappointment. There is still more work to do, something I have not discovered, that needs healing: boundaries, self compassion, erst, trust, courage...and then there is patience. Patience with myself. Patience on my journey.

Patience is not giving up on myself. It is believing that growth is still happening, even when it feels slow. Even when I do not see it ~ julie

Healing is not about proving anything to another person. It is about refusing to allow someone else's choices to determine the quality of your future. Every healthy boundary, every act of self respect, and every step toward peace is evidence that your life is still your own. The greatest victory is not revenge. The greatest victory is building a meaningful life that is no longer centered on the person who hurt you. Your story is bigger than what happened. Your future is larger than your pain.

What does reclaiming your life look like for you right now? ~julie

Many of us have learned how to be disciplined, responsible, and resilient. What we often struggle to learn is how to extend those same qualities toward ourselves with compassion. We hold ourselves to standards that we would never impose on someone we love. Self kindness is not about avoiding accountability. It is about offering ourselves grace while we learn, grow, and heal. Mercy does not weaken strength. It allows strength to become sustainable.

What would change if you offered yourself the same compassion you offer others? ~julie

Not everyone will celebrate your healing. Sometimes your confidence, boundaries, authenticity, or peace will highlight areas that others are not ready to examine within themselves. Their discomfort is not always about you. One of the hardest lessons in healing is learning that you do not need to dim your light to make others comfortable. You are allowed to grow. You are allowed to change. You are allowed to become more fully yourself, even when others prefer the version of you that was easier to control or understand.

Have you ever experienced resistance when making a healthy change in your life? ~ julie

Growth often arrives carrying both gifts and losses. We celebrate the wisdom, strength, and freedom we have gained, yet there may also be relationships, dreams, expectations, or seasons of life that had to be left behind. Holding gratitude and grief at the same time can feel uncomfortable, but both belong. Acknowledging what was lost does not diminish what was gained. It simply honors the full truth of the journey.

What is something you have gained through growth that came at a difficult cost? ~julie