Sacred Awareness

Breaking the Cycle

Trigger Warning: This post contains mentions of childhood abuse, spanking, religious trauma, physical assault, and emotional pain. Please read with care. Take breaks or skip this post entirely if it feels too heavy. Your safety and well being matter.

I grew up in a house where obedience was everything.
My mom and dad believed their word was law. No questions allowed

If I tried to understand something or asked “why,” I was accused of back-talking.

I was met with slaps, shame, or the phrase: “Because I said so.”

It was their way or no way. And for a child like me especially one who didn’t yet know I was autistic there was no safe way.

I didn’t know how to explain my sensory needs, my confusion, or the way I processed information differently.

All I knew was that being myself wasn’t okay. That asking questions meant punishment.

Punishment wasn’t occasional it was the norm.

I was spanked at home. Spanked in church. Even given “birthday spankings” like they were tradition.

They believed in pain as a form of control.

I remember one time makeup ended up on a chair. All I wanted to do was watch Care Bears. We were questioned about it. No one knew how it got there or if they did, no one said.

We were punished anyway: made to stand in a corner for hours.
Eventually, I said I did it just to end the suffering.

I wasn’t even sure I had done it. But I took the blame.

And I got the worst spanking of my life.
With a leather belt.
The metal buckle hit me.

That day taught me something brutal:

That pain is what happens when you try to bring peace.
That obedience is more important than truth.
That it’s better to betray yourself than make others angry.

That wasn’t discipline.
That was trauma.

What That Taught Me

Violence was normalized in my home.
Not just physical but also emotional. Verbal.
I was taught that hurting someone was how you made them understand.
That love meant control.
That silence kept you safe.

And for a long time I believed it.
Until I hurt someone I loved.

This is the hardest part for me to write. But I need to say it.

I physically assaulted someone I cared about.
Not because I wanted to hurt them but because I hadn’t yet broken the cycle I was raised in.
It was a moment of deep pain, deep confusion, and deep trauma spilling out.

I didn’t know how to be soft when I felt abandoned.
I didn’t know how to be calm when I felt unsafe.

They walked away. And I understand why.
They were right to.

That loss broke me open.

Not in a way that destroyed me
But in a way that showed me what had to change.
What had to heal.

Reclaiming Myself

In that breaking, something new began.

I realized I had spent my whole life listening to others but not myself.
Caring for others, but not myself.
Giving safety to others but never having it for me.

So I started giving it to myself.

That’s where reparenting began.

It didn’t start with big declarations i made. it started with little acts of reclaiming.

Choosing my clothes with care, sometimes letting my inner child decide.

Creating rituals that comforted me.

Changing the way I spoke to myself in my head.

Learning about neuroplasticity
And how the brain can rewire itself after trauma.

Letting therapy be a space to grow, not just survive.

Every time I met myself with compassion, I broke away from the lies I was taught.
Every time I held space for my pain instead of running from it, I became a new kind of parent—*to myself.

What Reparenting Means to Me

Reparenting is not about blaming my parents.

It’s about telling the truth of what happened and choosing to heal anyway.

I speak these words not to shame anyone but to free the version of me that was silenced.

Because when we speak what was once unspeakable, we begin to reclaim our power.

Reparenting, for me, is:

Holding my inner child and saying, “You didn’t deserve that.”
Creating a home inside myself where gentleness is the default.
Letting love be consent-based.
Letting safety be the standard—not the exception.

A Ritual to Begin

If this resonates with you, here’s something simple you can try:

Reparenting Self-Compassion Ritual

1. Find a quiet, soft space.

2. Place your hand on your heart and take a deep breath.

3. Close your eyes and picture yourself as a child.

4. Speak this aloud or in your mind:

“You were never too much.
You were never bad.
I see your pain. I will protect you now.
I love you.”

5. Hug yourself gently. Stay in that space as long as you need.

You are not alone.
You are not broken.
You are allowed to heal—even from the things you never thought you’d survive.

You are allowed to break the cycle.

You are allowed to be free.

Mindmelt- a euphoric overload—a swirl of sensation, color, chaos and clarity.
like a glittering Rollercoaster in your head—too much, just enough.
a celebration of overstimulation that pulses with light and motion.

To Those Who Lost Their Digital Home Today:

We're all feeling the silence of darkened screens across America. For those grieving the sudden loss of TikTok - your pain is real, your loss is valid. These weren't just videos and comments - they were lifelines, safe spaces, and real connections with real people.

Remember: we are a community that transcends platforms. We found each other once in the digital dark, and we will find each other again. Our creativity cannot be contained, our voices cannot be silenced, our art cannot be caged.

To every creator, every commenter, every quiet observer who found belonging in this space - you are not alone in this grief. We built something beautiful together, and though the screens are dark, our light still shines.

This is for all of us:

The Great Digital Silencing (2024)

they severed our lifelines today
the wound stands so fresh

behind every darkened screen
a real heart breaks
real tears fall
real hands reach for connections
now drifting away in digital dreams

this wasn't just content
these were pieces of our souls
carefully crafted
freely given
suddenly stolen

in late night live streams
real people held real pain
shared our triumphs like sunrise
built our trust like constellations
watching each other rise
moment by precious moment
until strangers became sanctuary

mornings bloomed with gentle greetings
soft reminders we were cherished
midnight cradled our confessions
held our fears, our hopes, our tears
in that gentle darkness when sleep felt too far gone

We found our voices and visions in art that flowed like rivers from our eyes that now weep
From the loss of community we cannot keep

dancers spun stories without words
painters bled their souls onto canvas now gone hollow
where our empty dreams lie behind black screens
writers who weaved worlds from wounds now have no voice
musicians turning trauma into melody now can't share their truth for others to view
each creation a piece of our collective creative souls
freely offered, tenderly received

It's more than just a digital space
The family we made along the way celebrated every trembling step toward brave
witnessed whispers grow into anthems
marked each milestone like precious stones:
the shaking hand that first pressed "share"
the quiet voice that learned to roar
the hidden art finally seen
the buried truth finally freed

some found their voice in comments
some in creation
some in simply being there
holding space
holding hearts
holding hope
for strangers who became family

we crafted our own sacred space here
comments weaving into comfort blankets
shared stories helping us be seen
each laugh a thread in our tapestry
each moment a piece of our shared history

we created our own world here:
inside jokes becoming our native tongue
comment sections turned to cozy rooms
each post adding to our collective soul
until we built a home from hearts
and truth, and trust, and art

now our galleries stand empty
our messages unsent
our art frozen in time
voices silenced mid-sentence
stories halted mid-page

they don't understand what they've stolen:
real communities
real friendships
real support systems
that kept us breathing
on our hardest days

videos that saved lives
comments that prevented collapse
messages that arrived just in time
spaces that sheltered storms
hearts that held each other
through screens that disappeared
between typing and send

tonight we sit with screens gone dark
reaching for familiar faces
that feel like phantom limbs
aching for the comfort
of connections cut too soon

some say "it's just an app"
but they don't understand:
every blank screen reflects
a real person
wondering where their people went
wondering if they'll ever
find such safety again

now we're scattered like stars
across silent rooms
across distant cities
our dark screens reflecting only loss
yearning for familiar faces
aching for shared spaces
mourning the place
where our hearts learned to dance
where our souls learned to sing
where we finally let our voices of truth ring

our art stands locked away
our voices echo in empty rooms
while we remember
how it felt to be heard
how it felt to be seen
how it felt to be free

in the silence after shutdown
we hold these truths like treasures:
that we were here
that we mattered
that we built something real
that we loved
across distances
beyond barriers
despite their walls
because we dared to connect
we found each other
in digital dawn
through darkest nights
across miles of endless oceans
we found each other in community smiles

Life with ADHD: A Wild Ride Through a Colorful Mind

Ever tried explaining your ADHD brain to someone? It's like describing what it feels like to pilot a rocket-powered unicycle while juggling flaming chainsaws – in a hurricane. Some days you're absolutely crushing it, and others you're staring at your keys in your hand while frantically searching for your keys. Welcome to our world!

The Great Dopamine Hunt: Why We Can't "Just Focus"

Picture your brain as a smartphone battery that drains 50% faster than everyone else's, and your dopamine is the charging cable. Except your charging cable only works when it's genuinely excited about charging. Frustrating? Yes. Impossible to work with? Absolutely not!

Leveling Up Your Brain Game: Dopamine Hacks That Actually Work

Transform Boring Tasks into Side Quests

* **The Epic Cleaning Quest**: Turn your apartment into a dungeon crawl. Each room is a new level, every piece of clutter a mini-boss. Bonus points if you make the sound effects out loud – we know you want to!

* **The Laundry Time Trial**: Race against your favorite song. How many clothes can you fold before Taylor Swift finishes her bridge? (Just don't forget the clothes in the washer... again.)

Hack Your Environment Like a Pro
* Create a "dopamine trail" through your morning routine. Coffee maker next to your phone charger, which is next to your keys, which is next to your bag. It's like leaving breadcrumbs for your future distracted self.

* Turn your workspace into a dopamine factory: Fidget toys, colorful sticky notes, and yes, that desk-sized whiteboard you've been eyeing is totally justified.

When Your Brain Goes Offline

We all know that feeling: You're staring at a task so boring your brain literally begins to revolt. Here's your survival guide:

Emergency Protocol Alpha: The Focus Force Field

* **Body Doubling**: Work alongside someone else (even virtually). It's like having a focus accountability buddy without the awkward small talk.
*
* **The Time Block Hustle**: 25 minutes of work, 5 minutes of whatever chaos your brain desires. Rinse and repeat. It's like interval training for your attention span.

The "Why Is This So Hard?" Moments:

You know those times when neurotypical people make something look effortless, and you're there wondering if you missed the tutorial level of life? Here's the truth: Your brain isn't broken – it's running a different operating system. Sometimes that means:

* Writing that email takes 45 minutes because you're considering every possible interpretation of "Hope this helps!"
*
* Starting a task feels impossible because your brain is simultaneously processing 37 different ways it could go wrong
*
* You've organized your entire closet at 2 AM because suddenly it felt like the most important thing in the universe

The ADHD Superpower Paradox

Let's be real – ADHD isn't a superpower. But it's not a curse either. It's more like having a brain that's a Swiss Army knife when everyone else got a regular knife. Sometimes it's exactly what you need, sometimes it's massively inconvenient, and sometimes you accidentally open all the attachments at once.

The Bright Side of Our Chaos
* We can hyperfocus so intensely we forget to eat (okay, maybe that's not always a plus)
* Our creative problem-solving skills are off the charts because we've had to figure out workarounds our whole lives
* We notice EVERYTHING (whether we want to or not)
* We can generate 100 ideas in the time it takes others to come up with 10 (choosing one to finish is... a different story)

Moving Forward: Embrace the Plot Twists

Living with ADHD is like being the main character in a story where the plot keeps changing, and sometimes you're reading a different book entirely. But here's the thing: it's YOUR story. You get to decide how to tell it.

Remember:
* Perfect is boring – embrace your perfectly imperfect brain
* Your worth isn't measured by completed to-do lists
* Sometimes the best solution is the weird one that actually works for YOU
* It's okay to need help, accommodations, or extra time
* Your chaos might be exactly what the world needs

We're not broken, we're not failing, and we're definitely not alone. We're just playing life on hard mode with some seriously interesting cheat codes. Some days we're winning, some days we're learning, but we're always, ALWAYS worth the extra effort it takes to understand and work with our unique brains.

Moving Forward: Embracing Reality While Building Success

Living with ADHD means navigating a world that wasn't designed for our type of brain. Some days are victories, others are struggles, and that's the reality we face. But within this challenge lies opportunity – not because ADHD makes everything better, but because we've learned to adapt, grow, and find our own path forward.

What Really Matters

The journey with ADHD isn't about becoming "normal" or fitting into standardized expectations. It's about:
* Understanding that your struggles are real and valid
* Recognizing that taking medication isn't giving up – it's taking care of yourself if thats what you need
* Acknowledging that some tasks will always be harder for us, and that's okay
* Building systems that work for YOUR brain, not someone else's
* Finding people who understand and support your journey

A Final Truth

ADHD is a fundamental part of who we are. It shapes our challenges, influences our victories, and colors every aspect of our lives. Some days it feels impossible. Some days it feels manageable. But every day, we keep going, keep adapting, and keep learning.

Remember: You're not broken. You're not lazy. You're not living up to your potential not because you don't try hard enough, but because you're often trying too hard in ways that don't work for your brain. The path forward isn't about forcing yourself to fit into neurotypical patterns – it's about building a life that works with your neurology, not against it.

Keep fighting the good fight. Keep celebrating the small victories. Keep being patient with yourself on the hard days.

Because you're not just surviving with ADHD – you're learning to cope and to thrive within it, one day at a time.

Tune in next time for my blog post on neuroplasticity.

An Act of Rebellion: Finding Your Voice in a World of False Independence

In a society that whispers "more, more, more" into our ears from dawn until dusk, perhaps the greatest rebellion is to stop running. To stand still. To look within and ask, "What if everything I need is already here?"

The False Promise of Independence

We're sold a story of rugged individualism – the self-made person who needs no one, who conquers their destiny alone. It's a seductive tale, but look closer and you'll see the cracks. Behind every "self-made" success lies a web of connections: teachers who believed, friends who supported, communities that nurtured. We're taught to see these connections as weakness, but what if they're actually our greatest strength?

Finding Your Voice in the Quiet

True rebellion doesn't always roar. Sometimes it whispers in the moments when you choose to:
- Turn off the endless stream of advertisements telling you you're not enough
- Listen to the quiet voice inside that knows what truly brings you joy
- Honor your unique gifts without turning them into commodities
- Share your authenticity with others, not as a brand, but as a genuine offering of community

The Power of Interdependent Authenticity

Here's the beautiful paradox: finding your true self isn't a solitary journey. It's in the spaces between people that we often discover our most authentic selves. When we share our gifts – whether that's growing food, making art, teaching children, or simply listening deeply to others – we're not just expressing ourselves. We're weaving a stronger social fabric that catches everyone who falls.

A Different Kind of Independence

What if we redefined independence? Not as the absence of need for others, but as the courage to be uniquely ourselves while acknowledging our interconnection?
This is where true power lies:
- In knowing your worth isn't measured by your productivity
- In understanding that your gifts are meant to be shared, not hoarded
- In recognizing that your joy multiplies when it spreads to others
- In accepting that asking for help makes both the giver and receiver stronger

The Revolution of Reciprocity

Every time we choose connection over competition, we're rebels. Every time we share our authentic selves instead of our curated ones, we're revolutionaries. Every time we lift others as we climb, we're building the world we want to see.

This is how we find happiness – not in the endless pursuit of more, but in the brave act of being ourselves and offering our gifts to our communities. It's in:
- The garden shared with neighbors
- The art that speaks truth to power
- The helping hand extended without expectation
- The vulnerable conversation that builds real connection
- The skills freely taught to those who need them

Your Unique Path Forward

Finding your authentic path isn't about following someone else's blueprint for rebellion. It's about listening deeply to what makes your heart sing and then sharing that song with others. Maybe your rebellion is quiet – teaching children to grow food. Maybe it's loud – organizing community events that bring people together. Maybe it's somewhere in between – starting a skill-share program in your neighborhood.

The key is this: your path to authenticity isn't about pushing others aside to shine brighter. It's about shining so brightly that you light the way for others to find their own authentic paths too.

# # The Ultimate Rebellion

In a world designed to keep us endlessly consuming and eternally dissatisfied, choosing contentment and connection is revolutionary. Finding and expressing your authentic self while lifting up your community might be the most powerful act of rebellion possible.

So rebel. Find your voice. Share your gifts. Build connections. Create community. This is how we transform loneliness into belonging, how we turn competition into cooperation, how we change the world – not alone, but together, each of us bringing our unique light to illuminate the whole.

Your authenticity, shared freely with your community, is a powerful force for change. It's time to rebel against the isolation of false independence and embrace the strength of interdependent authenticity. This is where true happiness lives – in the space between being uniquely ourselves and being deeply connected to others.

Written in the Cards: Finding Healing Through The Art of Tarot & Poetry

There are some journeys that can only be told through poetry - where raw emotion meets sacred symbolism, where personal trauma transforms into universal truth. My upcoming collection, "Written in the Cards: A Poetic Journey Through the Tarot," isn't just another book about tarot; it's a memoir of healing written in verse, where each card becomes a mirror reflecting both wounds and wisdom.

When The Tower Falls

Sometimes healing begins with destruction. In my personal journey through trauma, The Tower card became more than just a tarot archetype - it became the story of my own awakening. Here's a glimpse into that experience:

Truth came, in the form of an earthquake,
Shattering the tower of illusions I'd believed.
Years of careful construction, now at stake,
As reality exposed the lies I'd weaved.

The ground beneath, once steady and known,
Ruptures, exposing layers of pain.
Fault lines of memory, violently shown,
Toppling this tower again and again.

Each aftershock revealed a little more
Of the false foundation I'd foolishly adored.
My tower of beliefs, once proud and tall,
All came tumbling in the fall.

The ground I thought was bedrock, sure and strong,
Now lies in rubble at my feet.
The life I knew, for which I'd yearned so long,
Reveals the scars beneath defeat.

Amidst the rubble of my former self,
I stand, exposed to harsh reality.
My cherished truths, now scattered like debris,
Show childhood bars that held me stealthily.

How do I rebuild when memories persist,
Leaving no solid ground to stand?
Freedom trembles in this shaken mist,
While truth reshapes the land.

Yet in this space, perhaps I'll grow
Into a self that's genuine and true.
From broken pieces, I'll forge anew,
A life that bends but doesn't break in two.

The aftershocks may come, and I may sway,
But this new structure stands its ground.
I'll face each dawn, each challenging day,
Stronger for the truth I've found.

This poem, like many others in the collection, emerged from the intersection of personal truth and spiritual awakening. The Tower card traditionally represents sudden change and revelation - but through my lens, it became a narrative about trauma breaking through carefully constructed defenses, about the painful but necessary collapse of false beliefs that were built into my childhood.

A Different Kind of Tarot Book

While traditional tarot books focus on divination and card meanings, "Written in the Cards" offers something different. Each poem weaves together:
- my personal experiences with trauma and recovery
- The archetypal wisdom of the tarot
- The raw, unfiltered process of my spiritual awakening
- The universal journey of finding oneself in the aftermath of destruction

Faces in the Cards

Within these pages, the court cards and major arcana take on the faces of those who've shaped my journey - for better or worse. The Emperor embodies the rare and precious gift of finding a soul who can be everything at once: lover, best friend, and protective father like guide. In him, I found the steady strength that helped me rebuild my world, someone who could hold space for both my wounds and my wisdom. This unique bond defies conventional definitions, weaving together threads of romantic love, deep friendship, and paternal guidance into something entirely its own.

Queen of Cups transforms into the nurturing friend who held space for my tears when words failed. The Hierophant reflects the mentors who helped me reconstruct my faith after it shattered.

Some cards carry harder truths: Three of Swords speaks to a love that taught me that heartbreak can be both an ending and a beginning. Through their betrayals and departures, I learned that sometimes love leaves scars that become poems. The Ten of Swords captures those darkest nights when grief felt endless, yet somehow became the soil from which new strength grew. Each heartbreak brought its own wisdom, its own verses, its own understanding of how love and loss dance together in the grand cosmic ballet of life.

These aren't just poems about cards - they're portraits of the souls who've walked beside me, ahead of me, and sometimes away from me. Each relationship, whether it ended in warmth or wounds, contributed verses to this collection. Through the symbolism of tarot, I found a way to honor both the love and the loss, the joy and the grief, the staying and the leaving.

These poems don't shy away from darkness - they embrace it as part of the healing journey. From The Tower's collapse to The Star's renewal, each card becomes a chapter in my story of transformation.

More Than Just Poetry

This collection is for anyone who has ever:
- Faced the collapse of their carefully constructed world
- Sought meaning in their suffering
- Found spirituality as a path to healing
- Used creativity as a tool for recovery
- Connected with tarot as a mirror for self-reflection

Stay connected for updates on the book's completion and release. I hope you'll Follow along my journey where I'll be sharing more poems and insights from the collection.

A Note About Healing

Some of these poems may resonate deeply with those who have experienced trauma. Remember that healing isn't linear - it's a spiral path that sometimes leads us back to revisit old wounds with new wisdom. These poems are offered as companions on that journey, not as replacements for professional support.

Redefining Abundance and Wealth In a Capitalistic Society

We've all felt it - that gnawing emptiness after buying something we thought would make us happy. The disappointment when we realize that consuming material items brings only fleeting gratification, never lasting joy. Another promotion leads only to further exploitation by employers. A bigger house leaves us feeling lonelier and more disconnected. A newer phone fails to fill the void that only genuine human connection can satisfy. Yet we keep chasing these hollow markers of success, trapped in an endless cycle of wanting more.

In our capitalist society, we're taught that abundance means accumulation: more money, more possessions, more status. But what if true abundance isn't about what we own at all? What if we've been chasing a mirage while the real oasis of fulfillment lies in a completely different direction?

Unlearning the Capitalist Definition of Success

From our earliest years, we're conditioned to equate our worth with our productivity. Success becomes a simple equation: work harder, earn more, buy more, repeat. We chase promotions, compare ourselves to carefully curated social media lives, and feel guilty when we're not "hustling." This endless pursuit leaves many of us exhausted, anxious, and disconnected from what truly matters.

The irony is that capitalism requires us to feel scarcity to function. It needs us to believe we're never enough, never have enough, never do enough. This manufactured scarcity keeps us consuming, competing, and clinging to our resources instead of sharing them freely.

The Myth of Failure in Capitalist Society

In a system built on competition, failure isn't just an outcome - it's a tool of control. We're taught to see failure as a personal deficiency rather than what it often is: a natural part of human experience or resistance to exploitation. The fear of failure keeps us obedient, makes us work longer hours, take out bigger loans, and accept less than we deserve.

But what if failure, as we know it, is just another capitalist construct? In nature, there is no failure - only cycles, changes, and adaptations. In many indigenous cultures, what we label as 'failure' might be seen as learning, growth, or simply taking a different path. When we free ourselves from this artificial binary of success versus failure, we can begin to see our lives as journeys of experience rather than competitions to be won or lost.

Wisdom from Spiritual Traditions

Throughout history, spiritual traditions have offered us completely different stories and ideas about abundance. It isn't looked at as an achievement of something more, but as a letting go of what doesn't belong to you - sharing your truth and traditions, honoring yourself and others in their authenticity. That's the real freedom: recognizing that you are just enough in your wholeness.

Buddhist teachings remind us that attachment to material things is the root of suffering, while true wealth comes from cultivating inner peace.

Indigenous wisdom shows us that abundance flows from our relationships - with each other, with the land, with our ancestors and descendants, with community and traditions.

Islamic teachings emphasize that true wealth multiplies when shared, not hoarded. The more we give, the more abundance flows through our lives. Hindu dharmic principles teach us that prosperity includes not just material comfort, but dharma (purpose), k**a (pleasure), and moksha (liberation).

Redefining What Makes Us Rich

When we expand our vision of abundance beyond the material, we discover wealth in unexpected places:

In the depth of our relationships and the strength of our communities. In the meals we share, the stories we tell, the ways we hold each other through hard times.

In our connection to the natural world - the glory of a sunrise, the peace of a forest walk, the miracle of growing food from tiny seeds.

In our creativity and cultural heritage - the songs we sing, the art we make, the traditions we keep alive and transform.

In the wealth of time - to rest, to play, to simply be present with those we love without rushing to the next thing.

In our spiritual growth - the wisdom we gain through difficulty, the compassion we develop, the peace we find within.

Practical Steps Toward True Abundance

So how do we begin cultivating this deeper abundance? Here are some practices to explore:

Start each day by naming three forms of non-material wealth in your life. Maybe it's the bird song outside your window, a friend's kind message, or a moment of perfect quiet. There's no wrong answer.

Practice voluntary simplicity. What can you let go of to create more space for what truly matters? Sometimes abundance comes not from adding more, but from needing less.

Strengthen your community bonds. Share meals, tools, skills, and support. Experience the abundance that flows when we move from isolation to interdependence.

Create art, music, beauty, meaning - not for profit or praise, but for the simple joy of expression. These gifts grow richer when shared.

Make time for stillness. In quiet moments, we often discover we already have everything we need.

The Path Forward

In rejecting capitalist definitions of wealth and success, we aren't losing anything - we're gaining everything. We're reclaiming our time, our connections, our authenticity, and our humanity. True abundance isn't about having more, it's about realizing we already have enough, we already are enough, and in sharing that abundance, we all become richer.

The journey to redefining abundance begins with a simple question: What makes you feel truly wealthy? The answer might surprise you, and it probably won't be found in any store.