RecoveryWrittings

shame

When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared
I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared

If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease

I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell
I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know

I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike
What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease

If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care

So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease
I’m that madman inside you…I am your disease

But today I’m real angry…you want to know why? I let all in recovery, entirely slip by
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong? One minute I had you…then next you were gone

You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared
When you were alone…wasn’t it I who appeared? When you sold those possessions you knew you would need
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed

Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat

Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose
But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand
Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned

Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week
Be damned inner strength, however unique
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches
Be damned every addict, who back to me strays

For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before
Those who love misery will crawl back for more
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here
But next time around, you’d just better beware

You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time’
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb
Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring

But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do? It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream
I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team

So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do
I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please
I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease

I'M Your Disease Too…. I'm your disease, I hate Meetings I hate a higher power I hate anyone who has a program of recovery. To all who come in contact with me, I wish you suffering and I wish you death
Allow me to introduce myself I. I am the disease of addiction. I Am cunning baffling and powerful I have killed millions and I am pleased. I love to catch u with the element of surprise. I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have given you comfort, have I not? wasn't I there when you were lonely? when you wanted to die, wasn't I when you called for me? I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Better yet I love to make you numb so you can neither hurt or cry. Isn't it true glory when you can't feel at all? I Will give you instant gratification and all I ask in return is long term suffering. I've always been there for you. when things were going right in your life, you invited me in. You said that you didn't deserve these things and I was the only one who agreed with you. Together we were able to destroy all the good things in your life. People don’t take me seriously they take strokes heart attacks and diabetes seriously. Fools little do they know that without my help some of these things would not take place. I am such a hated disease yet I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me. So many people have chosen me over reality and peace of mind. More then you hate me I hate all of you who have a 12 step program. Your program, your higher power and your meetings weaken me and I can't function in the manner I am used to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don't see me but I am growing LARGER than ever. When you only exsist I MAY LIVE, When you live, I MAY ONLY EXSIST. But I am here and until we meet again, I wish you suffering and death wheather it be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. It's all death no matter what you call me; I am your worst enemy!!!!! The 12 Steps Of The Addicted Compulsive Person



1.I (not we) declared I was in complete control of my addiction/compulsion that my life was fine and dandy---thank you very much
2.I always knew that there was no power greater then myself, but all of you needed to be restored to sanity
3.I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my addictive/compulsive behavior because it was the only thing that understood me
4.I made a superficial and paranoid IMMORAL inventory of anybody but myself
5.I admitted nothing to nobody-------ever
6.I was entirely ready to have god punish you for all your defects of character
7.Humbly asked him to bug somebody else
8.Made a list of all persons who had harmed me and became willing to take revenge upon them all
9.I took direct revenge whenever possible especially when to do so harm or injure them or others
10.Continued to take other peoples inventory and when they were wrong promptly told them so
11>I sought through alcohol/drugs/relationships/food/s*x/etc to maintain unconscious contact with myself praying only for what I wanted when I wanted it and the power to get it
12.Having had a SPIRITUAL DEATH as a result of these steps, I tried to carry this message to other addicted/compulsive people and take as many of them as I could with me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Addicted



See the ragman, walking-dead
Spirit-scarred and filled with dread? Close your eyes, refuse to see
No one else can set him free
Follow tracks of blood and tears
Wait for wounds and wasted years
Send him forward to attack
Bring a broken body back
Save your prayers and find a box




Have You Lost Yourself??? Are you doing Drugs Again,
When you said that you never would
You are still smoking ci******es
But you'd quit if you could
Have you ever lost yourself
Did you let your parents down
Are waiting for someone else
Can you tell me when they come around
Did you ever love someone
And that you never did
Have you ever gone back home
And you found a deserted place
Did you ever get stuck in time
Do you wonder where everyone went
Did you ever lie to yourself
Did you say things you never meant
Are you busy making plans again
That you know you can never keep
Have you tasted poverty





Silence



With quiet in the room I think of you
In silence deep, like shadows darkest depths
Reflecting love's light from your inner soul
While pondering our memories alone
The shade will brighten with the passing time
Love deepening with ever growing light
Till faith is found, then with the dimming sun
Our silence will then disappear



Yearning



Ever yearning, never learning
Full of dreams and passions burning
Even as these words are spoken,
Fires are quenched and dreams are broken
Deep desires we quietly keep
Destroy the days and ruin sleep
Like silence missing merry din
We yearn for that which might have been



The Road

The blackness slithers on
Always searching, never whole
The southern sun awaits
I can feel it in my soul
I'm fearful, for our fate
Like the futures brightness, blinds
When the darkness conquers dawn
Can you tell me what it finds? Spiritual Experience

Once while I sat immersed in smoke
I heard a voice that never spoke
And felt a presence, like a stare
Entwined within the smokes despair
Unheard, the words, they came to me
Believe and I shall set you free
While willed words would unweight the waste
My soul was filled by just a taste
I cannot prove that he was there
Concealed within my Smokey lair. The Day Detached

what day draws breath from evening air
and finds our finish unaware? Forgotten days blend in the mind
what is it that they seek to find? Which night desires places past? Its moments longing for the last
what plans repeat as dreams exhaust
Surrounding in the moments-lost? Who found we find what has been found
Each passing day more tightly wound
With memories made or maybe matched
We find him in the day detached



Wisdom

Like tracks across a virgin snow
With chosen paths I cannot see
The future hides from truth below
And leaves me with uncertainty
With this my lot my fate I find
By slowly stepping on and on
While wisdom's winds whip snow behind
To hide from others where I’ve gone. A Tender Loving Prayer

Dear Angels please
Watch over me
Every season of the year
To keep me safe
Each day and night
And those I hold so very dear
Remind me, too,
To take some time
For all god's precious things
Like snowflakes, flowers
And little birds----
Such happiness they bring......


The Indirect Route

I Failed to grasp
That almost all relationships
Can be made to work,
Through understanding
And a deep commitment
And unconditional genuine love
For the other person. After years of disappointment
and suffering,
I finally decided that
The indirect route
was not leading me
To the love and oneness
I longed for. Love Without Strings

Whenever your partner
Does or says
Anything you don't like,
Your life is giving you
An opportunity
To get some practice
In developing you skill
To love unconditionally-
To create the oneness-
And let go of the two-ness. Doubt

Just above the darkest clouds,
The sun is shining clear. A sign that god, who made the sun,
Is always, ever near. Don't give up if life is hard
Trust he who made the sun
To chase the clouds of doubt away
And show his will was done. First Love

There we are, those vertical feet
tied fast to our mortality. Cold and formal we lie atoning
For earthly, sweet felicity. Gone by, gone by - so won, so run-
Exactly we abide,
As we kneel there, so once we began
With our sweet love, side by side
Wanderer, Standing still at our grave,
If our existence appeals to you,
If you read in those soles and skirts
Our noble and dignified lives anew,
Look at the handclasp, there you see
Our love, that lies eternally. The Promises

If We are painstaking about this phase of our development,
We will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone,
We will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that god is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? They are being fulfilled among us-Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. THE KEY

Taking a journey for it was my fate,
I was pulled up the tunnel, to heaven’s gate. Brilliant was the light, in the rooms above. Filled all around, was gods perfect love. Columns of white, with ridges that swirled. The floor looked like glass,
Made of mother pearl. Large were the angels in the room of the book,
Finding my page after they did look. People everywhere from days of old,
And standing there was god of a platform of gold. A crown of glory on the king's head,
Want connects everyone is a thin silver thread. There I was on my knees,
Knowing deep inside he was the key. Then he spoke with his glorious shine,
Go back you are to teach, it's not yet your time. He sent me back quickly, Like a lightning rod. I was truly in the presence of god. From the highest mountain I will sing:
I Love you god you are my king!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do you spend your dash

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning...to the end. he noted that first came her date of birth and spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars...the house...the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel. And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash.. Would you be proud of the things they say,
about how you spent your dash





The 12 Golden Steps

I'm climbing up the 12 golden steps,
Where other souls have trod,
Upon the first step, sick and worn,
I whispered "god I', through",
Then in the second Still forlorn, my hope is born anew. The third step opens up to me, A God I understand,
The fourth shines bright with honesty and shows me the promised land. The fifth step finds me saying yes to all the wrongs I’ve done,
The sixth finds me in readiness for him, to right each One. The seventh step and pride has changed to sincere humbleness,
The eighth has found me now estranged from hate and willful stress. The ninth Step sees me clinging there so willing to atone,
The tenth just bids me to be fair-Leave the first drink alone. The eleventh step shows me god's will, "A power, strange and new,"
And the twelfth step says never stop until you've Told other drunks, It’s true. SO I’m climbing up 12 golden steps, Where Other souls have trod,
I hear their voices calling back, "Climb up and you'll find God"


An Alcoholics Prayer

Dear God Almighty, hear my prayer! I know you'll understand. Help me to leave that drink alone;
Give me a helping hand. Give me the courage to destroy
This lust which I must feed,
And help me, God to get around
That drink that I don't need. I know from true experience,
Which I've had in the past,
That if I ever take the first
It never is the last. And I am always sorrowful
For things that I have done. Not only do I hurt myself,
But my friends and everyone
So almighty God, hear my prayer,
That last drink is the worst;
But, God, I need alot of help
In passing up that first. Today Alone Is Truly mine

Yesterday is always near,
Its memories live inside me
With joys that still can warm my heart
And lessons that still guide me. Tomorrow Always beckons,
And its promise can inspire
New efforts to achieve and grow,
To aim forever higher. But today alone is truly mine,
With each and every minute
Awaiting my full energies
To be invested in it~~
My mind to be directed
To meet challenges and duties,
my senses to be conscious
Of unique and precious beauties,
My heart to be devoted
to each chance for warmth and giving~~
Today alone is truly mine
to fill with happy living. Insanity

What hat got you down, my friend? Or what controls your mind? Self-righteous to the bitter end? Refuse to be defined
What fear of stigma trounces you? Where do you hide your lies? Your fear of living life askew
Burns coldly in your eyes
Passing through the world of spirit? Battling for your mind? Always sense but never fear it
Good and evil intertwined



Don't Stop Dreaming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever be reluctant
to show your feelings when
you're happy, give in to it. When you're not, live with it. Don't ever be afraid to
try to make things better you might
be surprised at the results. Don't ever feel threatened by the future;
take life one day at a time. Don't ever feel guilty about the past
what's done is done; just learn from any
mistakes you might have made. Don't ever feel that you are alone
there is always somebody there
for you to reach out to, like me. Don't ever forget that you can achieve
so many of the things you can imagine. It's not as hard as it may seem. Don't ever stop loving
don't ever stop believing and
don't ever stop dreaming your dreams. Have A Super Day
I Believe In You



The Risks Of Loving



There is a risk involved in everything. Every time you share a smile,
Every time you shed a tear,
You are opening yourself up to hurt. Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Sidestepping the things they can't understand,
Turning away from those who care too much,
Those who care too long,
Those who hold too tightly. There is never an easy way to love. You cannot approach it cautiously. It will not wait for you to arm yourself. It does not care if you turn away. It is everywhere, it is everything. Love is the greatest of all risks. It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic. It is unprejudiced and unmerciful. It strikes the strongest of mind. And brings them to their knees in one blow. Even in the best of times, love hurts. It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part
of someone else,
Without either of your consent,
But, from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be alone. Becoming



When will you understand that I am just One Man

Completely lost, misplaced in this insanity, this ambiguity called life? And while sometimes it seems a worthless fight,

There is one thing that I have, one thing that no one can ever take-

My will- all that I have left to survive. You can steal my heart and it will break,

Into a thousand pieces it will crumble in your hands,

But understand- that has all been done before. You can overpower me in strength and crush my body into the floor,

You can torture and torment me, yet I will stand once more. You can hit me, leave me, and spit on me with your words,

Make me cry, and make me bleed, but you can never make me die. I will never fail to succeed in living, in being, in going on-

Becoming better, stronger, and tougher than I ever was before......



I Miss You More Today



I miss you more today- more than I have missed you any of the days before

I miss you for absolutely no reason at all, except to simply miss you. Your scent still lingers in this room- almost a living perfume,

There’s an empty space in the bed where you slept

While your clothes lay on the floor unkempt. It feels like you’re still here

Sitting right next to me

Sometimes the feelings so strong

I can barely even breathe...

Your pictures hang on every wall

And I can almost feel you in the air

As though you never left at all. On Learning



I am strong now, but I am only strong because I have learned of my own weakness. I am better now, but only because all I can do is simply do my best. What is life but a lesson and series of trials and tests? One’s greatest triumph is over failure

And the greatest insight is the most obscure. We are here neither to be born nor to die- But to simply live our lives

To love and be loved, to learn when to keep on going and when to finally be done-

To at long last be content even when turmoil fills each day,

Be satisfied with everything that you have in every single way-

And you will, in time, find that happiness is neither a search nor a task-

It is a part of your very soul right within your grasp. Second Thoughts



I can still hear the lies, and see them in their truth

In both the ugliness and beauty that was the entirety of my youth. I can still feel every emotion with every drop of blood and sweat

That I’ve shed

Swimming around in every single thought that fills my head. Every thought of anger and pain,

Every feeling of relief and complacency-

They both torment and strengthen me. Thoughts



When I think about the drugs, the s*x, the alcohol,

The sleepless nights, the crazy haze of it all...

The laughter, the tears, the happy days, the sad days

All so full of excitement and fear-

I begin to wonder where I’ve been, where I’m going

Why I did all the impetuous things I did,



How I became so naïve and full of stupidity-

Who was I when I was not me? I grow afraid and anxious, but strong-

Feeling that the things I’ve felt, the life I’ve been dealt

Has made me the person I have been all along. I love my life for the good and the bad,

I love the hate and the love that I’ve had, The people I’ve met, and the places I have seen, The beginning, the end, and everything in between. Vulnerability



Here I am out in the open

Exposed and bare for all the world to see

Standing on my own for the very first time

Facing everything that frightens me

Have I lost my mind? To be like this

Or have I finally grasped my sanity? I am new to this- this vulnerability

Going up against all that’s ever tormented me

Embracing the things, the people I love

In the final acquisition of all I’ve ever dreamed of. Why Now? Why’d you have to leave? Why now? Right when everything was going right. Where did you have to go? That you had to leave so soon

Right when I needed you? Just when everything good was in sight. Why did you have to leave me here alone? Nothing’s the same, now you’re gone. The world is a dream, a nightmare to me,

And home is no longer home







In All Truth



In all truth, I love you- I don’t know yet if you believe me, but I do. It’s a slow and steady progression of thoughts, of feelings, of truths

That brings us together, that carries us through. This commitment is one from which I cannot stray

-Not now, not ever, not in good or bad days-

The feeling I have is intense and crazy, yet calm and sane

I don’t know what to do with myself,

Sometimes it’s difficult to even breathe. And it is excruciating to try to say everything that I need to say,

Everything that you need to hear- so I procrastinate-

I allow you to think whatever it is that you want to think,

Even when you think the worst, even in moments it makes you hurt-

But, please, know this: In all truth, I love you,

I would never mean to cause you any pain,

I care about you more than is even comprehensible

And appreciate everything you do for me, always. No Escape



I try to hide, try to fight, try my best to run and yet, my legs give way,

I cannot escape. It seems like the entire world is after me and I am drowning steadily

In a sea of disillusionment- becoming lost in my own confusion-

I don’t know how or when or if this will ever end,

All I want is to be free again- free from myself and everything else

That’s pushing and pulling me down...

Somebody, help me

Someone, anyone, please save me- before I lose all grasp of reality-

Love me, hold me, or simply console me

This is my one and only plea. Questions



What to do? What to think? How to act? How to be? When to drink? When to sleep? so many questions,

So many questions that torment me. Where to go? Who to see? Another cigarette? Another cup of coffee? Up in smoke or down the drain? So difficult to tell, so hard to breathe. How do I do what needs to be done? How do I say all that needs to be said? I’ve had all that I can have, and yet it still remains the same

In another situation, on a different day...

-I could sleep it all away- curled up in a ball, safe in bed-

I am scared because I’m so afraid. I can’t move, I can’t do anything but realize

This is my life. This ongoing frustration, this constant fight

That seems it will never end,

I must face the world head on again. Talk to Me



Talk to me; say something, anything, any words will do-

Simply to let me know that you’re still here, that you still care,

That you still love me in any way. Acknowledge me, touch me, hold me,

Let me know that you still want me here at all-

Before I shed any more tears

Out of love or out of fear. Please, just let me know what’s on your mind,

You know I would carry the world for you. Who Are You? Who are you to tell me who to be, how to behave, what to believe? Who are you? Anyone? Anything? I loved you, cared for you, gave you everything that I had

And all you did was belittle me, batter me,

Shatter my heart like glass; break my body and my soul-

And yet, the saddest part is that you know. You know all that you did to me. You were aware of all the times you made me cry

And the times you made me bleed

You know how the words you spoke were even tormenting

But I will never receive so much as an apology. With It All



Another sleepless night, another senseless fight

Why do we do the things we do over and over again? Another thirst for something new

Something better, something true. Our ocean of opportunities overflows

And yet there is no room

No room left to swim in where we’ve been. Once more with the arguing-

But we don’t know what about

We yell or scream or stand in our own little corners and shout

Simply trying to let it all go

Trying to let every frustration come out. Yet here we are, still falling apart

Piece by piece we crumble

Piercing holes in each other’s hearts

Darkening still another day

With the cruel, meaningless things we say.