Mitana

She's gone. I've now lost all three of the things that were so meaningful to my life. Each loss causing me to become way too familiar with very deep, very real, very different, and very intense types of pain and loss.

FRUSTRATION Carter. Knowing he was but a short driving distance away. Choosing to respect the wishes of the other party responsible for him, despite learning that this other party had left him behind in someone else's care. Experiencing the impact of that choice when I was told he'd passed. And learning to make peace with the guilt. Because other than waging a fullout war with this other party, I'd have done anything to spend any time with him. This is how I learned to never put someone else's needs or wishes ahead of my own. That's never suffering silence. You'll only have to learn to live with the regret of that choice.

HELPLESSNESS. Theo. I consider myself incredibly blessed to have earned the privilege to know this kind of bond with a dog. I am alive today because of him. I learned to keep myself mentally and emotionally sound because of him. He mirrored my every emotion. I love my 3 dogs more than I can explain. Losing Theo (the youngest - almost exactly a year ago), rather suddenly and entirely too fast rattled me to my core. Experiencing his throat gradually closing until he couldn't breathe. I tried everything. I researched and learned how to keep him, not just alive, but happy and comfortable. Because what else could I do for the thing that inspired me to look forward to seeing tomorrow again? Until one day, he looked at me with an expression that said "Daddy help me!" Knowing all options had been exhausted. And then losing him. There was nothing more I could do.

ENDURING AGONY. Lizzie. Her gradual decline. And, again, trying everything. Lizzie was a fighter. She was willful. I promised her as long as she fought, I'd fight right along with her. And she fought. REALLY hard. And she kept on. I felt proud of her for that. And then she got tired. And despite seeing that she clearly wanted to, she just had no more fight left in her. I watched it all go down. I've cried more times than anyone will ever know. From watching her persist to knowing that, with every passing second, my time with her was drawing to a close. And now here I am. By choice.

GUILT. All three. I'm FINALLY free. No, not of them. I love them. You can't imagine the many times I wished to wake up the next day and have them magically turned into human children. For 16 years I've wanted to move on from a past that in no way was relevant to my present. I found myself wondering, "what is it like for someone who's gone thru a messy divorce now WITH A CHILD???" Loving someone(s) so much that reminded you of a time you'd much rather forget. Yet knowing you're a parent. And you must do right by your kids. I grew to feel incredibly bound to those ties. And, for a long time, I no longer wished to be. I DON'T MEAN MY DOGS! Yet I also knew this desire directly correlated to their presence in this world. And I feel like a disgusting human being for the very thought. If I could have all three here with me right now, healthy and happy, I'd do it without giving it a second thought.

My heart and soul are shattered to a thousand bits. I'm exhausted. A whole chapter of my life is gone. The things from the past they bound me to (again by choice) are FINALLY severed. The chronic reminder of a past long gone is over. They were maybe the only thing I've ever done in my life that are anywhere near the vicinity of perfect. They were an enormous source of joy in my life. Also of chronic pain. In them, I was always reminded of the enormously shortsighted and severe errors of my past. Mistakes that I can in no way correct or undo. I've evolved into someone incredibly aware of my many shortcomings. They were my constant.

I hurt this much because I chose to love this much. I don't wish this pain upon my worst enemy. And yet I know there are people in the world familiar with so much worse. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Goodbye my angels. Your boundless love left behind a better person.

Elizabeth, my little girl. Thank you for fighting so hard to stay with me so long. Trust that daddy will be fine. May you find the rest your so deserve.

Me and my baby!!!