BeGr8er

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want . . ." ~The Rolling Stones

This song, now decades old, addresses a universal truth.

Here’s the rest of the refrain:

You can't always get what you want . .
But if you try sometimes
You just might find
You get what you need.

What is it that you really wanted and didn’t get? Could it be a dream job? The affections of a person?

These scenarios range from trivial to potentially life-changing, but they all have one thing in common:

WHEN YOU DON’T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU WANT IT EVEN MORE.

Here are three reasons why this is the case:

1. Heightened attention: When something is hard to get (or forbidden) you immediately pay more attention to it. Notice that when you are on a restricted diet you sometimes get too focused on what you “can’t” eat. This heightened attention -- which can escalate into obsession -- makes the forbidden food seem very important. Your inner brat takes advantage of this, and tries to convince you that you MUST have it.

2. Perceived scarcity: When something is scarce or in short supply, its perceived value increases. You want it more because you think other people also want it. If you’ve ever bid at auctions or on eBay, you know the experience of that last-minute excitement as you watch the bids spiral upward, the more people who bid, the more you’re willing to pay for the item. Your inner brat wants it at any price.

3. “Psychological Reactance”: People don’t like to be told they can’t have or can’t do something. It’s related to not wanting to be controlled by others, especially if the situation feels unfair or arbitrary. The “reactance” is both emotional and behavioral.

The emotional part is your inner brat saying, “Oh yeah? I can’t have what I want? Just try and stop me!”

The behavioral component is what you do about it, which usually involves some type of rebellious reaction. You see this with teenagers whose parents have forbidden them to date certain people. Or sneak out if there is a curfew inflected on them.

The inner defiance, that inner enemy that we battle with daily, can become monstrous in nature. It has the ability to pull us from our center, separate us from our truth as well as have disastrous consequences from the actions of allowing defiance to win.

Could it be that our eyes are deceivers of our souls. We create the image through what we see in belief that what is bad we can become good adjustments to our lives. We talk ourselves into acting contrary to what we know to be true because of the perception of a possible “missing out.” There is a need to feed this desire.

Next time you don’t get what you want; ask yourself whether one of the above factors has influenced your desire. If so, let go of the pursuit. Your inner brat won’t be happy, but ultimately (in the words of the Rolling Stones,) you “might just find [that] you get what you need.”

What we resist, persists Annoyed. Frustrated. Stuck. It’s 9:24 p.m. on Monday and I’m trying to figure out what the hell to write about for tomorrow. I have three half-written posts about three topics that other people encouraged me to write about: passion and suffering, taking bold leaps, and how people are mirrors ...