Kill the Star

Emotions take over your existence.

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Never do these things to a ADHD RSD person. The most important thing to never do to someone with ADHD is to betray them. I’m going to tell you something that isn’t known to many people including doctors. Considering most ADHD adults have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) acts of betrayal are dealbreakers. The person who said we are unforgiving is partially right. ADHD RSD people often experience difficulty letting go of intense emotional memories. While someone without ADHD might gradually forget or downplay the emotional intensity of a betrayal over time, someone with ADHD might relive that hurt repeatedly. Their brain may struggle to "put away" emotional memories, causing them to replay the betrayal in their mind.
This can make it feel as though the betrayal is ongoing, even after an apology. They will never forget even if they want to, even if they tell you they forgave you, they will relive the hurt all the time. Their view of you has changed permanently.
**Conflict or Disagreement**: If someone with ADHD has a falling out with a friend, they may not recall the exact words exchanged, but they will vividly remember how hurt, betrayed, or angry they felt. When they think back on the argument, their emotional memory takes center stage, allowing them to relive the conflict emotionally, even if the actual conversation is forgotten. This emotional memory can also intensify feelings of distrust or anxiety related to the person involved, as their brain reactivates the original emotional response.
Other things you shouldn’t do that can be forgiven (depending on the person)
1. Don’t be Unsupportive
ADHD is a real, neurobiological condition, and dismissing it as "just an excuse" for behavior or saying things like "everyone has a little ADHD" invalidates their experience. This attitude can lead to resentment and make your spouse feel unsupported. ADHD impacts their day-to-day life, often in ways that others may not easily understand. It’s crucial to recognize the struggles and frustrations they face due to the condition.
**What to do instead:**
Acknowledge their challenges with empathy. Recognize the extra effort they put into managing ADHD and offer support that empowers them rather than belittling their efforts.
**2. Do Not Nag About Forgetfulness**
ADHD often comes with forgetfulness and disorganization, which can lead to misplaced items, missed appointments, or unfinished tasks. Repeatedly pointing out these issues or nagging them to "just remember" can feel like a personal attack on their capabilities. People with ADHD already experience frustration with their forgetfulness; constant reminders of these mistakes can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy.
**What to do instead:**
Find gentle ways to help them without sounding accusatory. Using systems like reminders on a shared calendar or physical lists can reduce stress for both of you. Offering to help organize in a collaborative way can be supportive rather than critical.
**3. Do Not Blame Them for Inattention**
It’s easy to feel hurt when your partner seems distracted or doesn't listen closely during conversations. However, inattention is a core aspect of ADHD, not a reflection of how much they care. Criticizing them for not paying attention can create a divide and make them feel ashamed.
**What to do instead:**
When you notice your spouse getting distracted, try to gently bring them back into focus without judgment. You can also ask if there’s a better time for an important conversation when they can fully engage. Being aware of how distractions affect them can prevent misunderstandings.
**4. Avoid Assuming They're Lazy**
ADHD can sometimes make it difficult for your spouse to initiate or complete tasks, and it might seem like they’re procrastinating or avoiding responsibilities. But this isn’t due to laziness; it’s often related to issues with executive function—the brain's ability to organize, prioritize, and carry out tasks.
**What to do instead:**
Show patience and compassion by offering assistance or breaking down tasks into manageable steps. Encouraging them without adding pressure can help them feel supported rather than shamed.
**5. Do Not Make Jokes About Their ADHD**
While humor can sometimes lighten the mood, making jokes about their ADHD, especially during times of frustration, can hurt. Comments like “You must be having an ADHD moment” or teasing them for being scatterbrained may seem harmless, but it can reinforce negative feelings they already struggle with, like shame or self-doubt.
**What to do instead:**
Keep your humor sensitive to the fact that ADHD is something they may already feel self-conscious about. If humor is part of how you bond, make sure it’s light-hearted and not poking fun at their struggles.
**6. Avoid Setting Unrealistic Expectations**
Expecting your spouse with ADHD to perfectly follow routines or handle time management as someone without ADHD might can lead to disappointment. ADHD often comes with challenges like difficulty sticking to routines, hyperfocus on unimportant tasks, or time blindness (the inability to gauge how long things will take).
**What to do instead:**
Instead of holding them to expectations that may feel unattainable, work together to find a balance. Break down tasks or deadlines into more manageable chunks and celebrate small successes. Understanding that they may need alternative strategies to complete tasks can foster teamwork and reduce tension.
**7. Don’t Be Overly Critical**
Constant criticism or pointing out their mistakes can have a detrimental effect on their self-esteem, especially if they already struggle with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), a common emotional aspect of ADHD. People with RSD can feel extreme emotional pain when faced with perceived criticism or rejection, which may seem disproportionate to the situation. Being overly critical can trigger these feelings.
**What to do instead:**
Choose constructive feedback over criticism. When addressing something that bothers you, focus on solutions and emphasize positive aspects of their behavior rather than tearing them down. Ensure they know they are valued, and be mindful of how you phrase your concerns.
**8. Avoid Overwhelming Them with Details**
Providing too much information at once or making long, detailed requests can overwhelm someone with ADHD, as their ability to process and prioritize information might be impaired. They may struggle with keeping track of everything, leading to feelings of failure when they can’t follow through.
**What to do instead:**
Be concise and clear when communicating. Break down tasks or requests into simple, bite-sized steps. This helps them avoid feeling overwhelmed and increases the likelihood of success in completing tasks.
**9. Don’t Compare Them to Others**
Comparing your spouse’s behavior, achievements, or ability to manage tasks to other people—especially those without ADHD—can be damaging. It implies that they should be able to operate on the same level as neurotypical individuals without taking into account the difficulties ADHD presents.
**What to do instead:**
Appreciate your spouse for who they are and acknowledge their unique strengths. Avoid comparisons altogether, as it only fosters insecurity and a sense of inadequacy. Celebrate their personal growth and the progress they’ve made in managing ADHD.
**10. Do Not Exclude Them from Decision-Making**
Due to their inattention or distractibility, it can be tempting to handle decisions on your own, especially if you’re worried they might overlook important details. However, this can make them feel sidelined and unimportant in the relationship, fostering resentment

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ADHD Tool

Emotional Rollercoaster: Navigating ADHD and Emotional Issues in Adults E-book and Workbook, Mental Health Self-help, Personal Development - Etsy This Guides & How Tos item is sold by 2ADHD. Ships from United States. Listed on Oct 11, 2024

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