Polinder Coaching Group
Share
07/09/2026
Why We Fight just made Amazon’s Best Books of the Month: Nonfiction for July, one of 10 books picked out of everything released this month.
The rest of the list includes ProPublica and New Yorker investigative writers, a well known graphic novelist, and highly anticipated true crime books. I’m the only book on the list written to actually change something in your life.
Why We Fight comes out July 21. Link in bio. Comment whywefight and I’ll send you the link to order!
Most couples think they have a hundred different problems. The dishes, the in-laws, the calendar, the way one of you loads the dishwasher. But underneath all of it, the same three fights keep running on a loop.
Fight #1 looks like a conversation about one person shutting down, but it’s really two nervous systems doing opposite things to feel safe. One person moves toward you to calm down. The other moves away to calm down. Both are convinced the other one is the problem, when both are just trying not to drown.
Fight #2 is the one couples are most ashamed of. The below-the-belt fight, where you say the thing you can never fully take back. People don’t go for the jugular because they’re cruel. They go there because they feel powerless. When you can’t get your partner to see your pain, wounding them starts to feel like the only way to make them feel what you feel.
Fight #3, keeping score, feels like justice. You’ve got the receipts. You remember every time you showed up and they didn’t. But a scoreboard isn’t a record of who did more. It’s a record of how unseen you’ve felt for a long time. The resentment was there first. The list just makes it feel justified.
These fights are not a sign that your marriage is doomed. You fix these fights by learning to hear the question underneath.
I break down all three patterns, and how to repair each one, in my new book Why We Fight. Comment “whywefight” and I’ll send you the preorder link.
06/23/2026
For three days only, Barnes & Noble Rewards and Premium Members can save 25% on a preorder of Why We Fight.
Use code PREORDER25 at checkout.
Premium Members save an additional 10% on top of the offer.
The deal ends June 26, so preorder your copy now through the link in my bio.
Comment whywefight and I’ll send you the link to order!
ConflictResolution EmotionalHealing
06/15/2026
Everyone talks about the honeymoon ending. The integration stage where you finally see your partner as human. The advice is always the same: love conquers all.
But somewhere past that, in a marriage that lasts longer than 3 years, there’s another phase nobody names. The phase where you can’t stand the sound of them chewing. The phase where every story they tell, every mood they bring home, every way they show up for everyone in the world except you, makes you feel repulsed.
The advice you get when you admit this out loud is to remember the good times. To work on yourself or to think about the kids. None of it addresses what’s actually happening.
In the honeymoon, the way they were was endearing to you. Their avoidance was them being easy-going. Their criticism was discernment. Their lack of assertiveness was polite. The traits were always there. What changed is that you got close enough to fear being hurt by them.
Abuse would be an exception to this and should be approached differently.
In most situations, your spouse has become the receptacle for things you can’t bear to see about yourself. A version of how you behave or how someone from the past made you feel. This is the heart of our most challenging personal work.
More on the phases nobody warns you about in Why We Fight, out July 21st.
Comment “why we fight” and I’ll send you a link to order.
Click here to claim your Sponsored Listing.
Category
Contact the school
Website
Address
Long Beach, CA
90813
