APRIL DELLER

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“God, I don’t understand why this is happening.”

I wrote “From A to Z” in 2013, over 10 years ago, trying to grapple with a feeling many of us experience when there is a tragedy. That shadow that looms over even the brightest of situations, that awareness that “these beautiful things” could ultimately disappear in an instant. As much as we plan and prepare and lay the groundwork for a bright future, at some point there will come a time in life where we do not have control: a situation that we did not plan for. It could be an accident, a set-back, a failure, a break-up, a war, political instability, a natural disaster, disease, a lockdown, the death of a loved one…the list goes on and on. Some situations we can prepare for if not expect. Still, for those situations the insurance companies like to term an “act of God” or “force majeure,” no amount of reasonable human foresight or care can prevent them. It’s out of our hands.

From a young age, especially in the academic setting, we are taught to plan, to schedule, to prepare, to keep our commitments…we are taught to value time, to use our time wisely, to respect others’ time. We are taught to plan for our future, to set goals, to have a game plan. We are taught to be “hands-on” and we are expected to be actively engaged in the planning of our own life. But what do we do if the situation we find ourselves in is “out of our hands”? How do we adapt? Do we dig in deeper, try to grasp at some sort of control? Or do we “throw up our hands” and give up?

At the time I wrote this song, a family friend had fallen down concrete stairs and hit her head. Seriously injured, she was in a coma. We all gathered in the hospital waiting room and prayed for her. She had years of recovery ahead of her, but in those early hours, days, and weeks of her injury, her future remained unknown. A year later, I wrote her and sent her this song “From A to Z.”

Hi _____,
I read your wall post a few minutes ago and decided to send you this song that I wrote last year after your accident. The first verse is about a 13-year-old girl that I babysit who was going through all her high-school interviews at the time and she was telling me about all her dreams and goals for the future. She was telling me all these wonderful goals while the shadow of your recent accident was on my mind and I was so in love with her innocence and idealism but so sad or scared to know that things don’t always go as we plan them. But I didn’t want to tell her that. So I didn’t, but wrote this song instead to deal with my feelings. The second verse is about you and your accident and the third verse I added later when we all saw that you were getting better. Who knows the reasons God allows terrible things to happen, but it is true that your whole experience has probably affected more people than you know, even if they don’t tell you. And has helped more people to appreciate every day of life even more. May God continue to bless you and your road ahead.
Love, April

Thankfully, she eventually made a full recovery and went on to live a full and blessed life. We all are so grateful for that.

The song also includes a verse about a 13-year-old girl I babysat whose idealism and goals for the future were inspiring. In “From A to Z,” the song lyrics literally spell out her goals at the time… “New York City, on to Stanford, then to Harvard, and finally she’ll settle in San Diego with Mr. Right and the sun and the sea.” Of course, our life path often changes and looks different from the goals our thirteen-year-old selves envision. Still, it is important for the adults in the life of a teenager to be encouraging, protective, and wise with their advice to a developing young person. As an adult with greater life experience, we may realize, rightfully so, that the dreams and goals of our childhood may not unfold exactly as we plan them. Still, this awareness is never an excuse to discourage, criticize, or devalue a young person’s goals for themselves. Dreams and goals are very personal, unique to our inner being, and perhaps even implanted in our hearts by God. It is absolutely crucial to have faith, self-confidence, and belief in ourselves in order to find the perseverance and work ethic to bring these personal dreams and goals to reality. A teenager is in a very precarious and vulnerable stage of life. They are testing out the waters of life, tentatively feeling out a growing independence from their parents. They are leaving the safety and security of childhood and realizing that soon, in a few fast-approaching years, their life will become more and more their own responsibility. It can feel very exciting…or for some it can feel like a heavy weight. A lot of how this unfolding transition feels for a teenager depends upon the support system they receive from adults around them. Do the adults in their lives validate and encourage a teen’s budding hopes and dreams? Or do the adults squash their dreams, with criticisms, mockery, and a “snap back to reality” mentality? “What about paying your bills? Who’s going to pay your rent? You’ll never make it with those dreams.” Occasionally, in the news or through a social-media feed, I’ll hear stories of a teenager who was struggling so much with their mental health that they chose to end their own life through su***de. When I read these stories, I can’t help but think to myself: “Who put a heavy millstone around that kid’s neck?” in reference to the Biblical verse Matthew 18:6. A teenager has not yet earned the heavy weights and responsibilities of adulthood. They have not attained the age to choose such responsibilities as buying a house, committing to a marriage relationship, or bringing children into the world. Do not lay adult burdens onto the back of a teenager who is still developing and navigating their own self-identity. Instead, an adult can use their knowledge of the coming difficulties of life to encourage and guide a teen towards the best path to help make their dreams come true. A teen should feel excitement from their growing independence, from learning new life lessons (even if it’s in the “school of hard knocks”), and from making choices towards their own future path. They should feel support and encouragement from the adults around them, but also accountability and consequences for their own actions, as they explore through trial-and-error their life’s direction. Luckily, the 13-year-old girl I babysat had a very strong support system, in addition to being smart, creative, idealistic, and beautiful. She continued along her promising academic and college path, and now, over 10 years later, she has a budding career.

Still, that shadow of tragedy passed over us again in November 2024. Strangely, it was almost identical to the tragedy of 10 years previous. Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I had planned to visit the family of the girl I babysat, just to catch up. The day after Thanksgiving, I sent several text messages to the Mom to confirm our rendezvous. They remained unread. After several missed calls, I reached out to the girl I babysat, now a young woman. She informed me that her mother had fallen down concrete stairs at a Subway Station the evening before. She had hit her head, was in a concussive state and was resting. She had just been released from the hospital and was surrounded by family. Shocked, I insisted that at some point in the weekend I wanted to come see her, pray for her and offer support. When I came the next day, her children welcomed me into her bedroom, where she was able to talk and communicate in between periods of rest. As we all gathered around her bedside, we spoke about our shared memories, her present accident, the children’s current pursuits as young adults, and experienced a surreal moment of awe at the mysterious unfolding of fate, its timing with my visit, and the parallelism with the lyrics of my song, “From A to Z,” which I played to them from my cellphone. I shared with them the song’s cover art, which depicts a young woman in a coma, a hospital head-wrap protecting her injury. Two colorful hummingbirds flutter above her head in a dreamlike swirl of time and space, amongst drifting letters from the alphabet. The hummingbird was originally chosen by the young woman who had been in a coma 10 years previous. I had asked her for an animal to depict her in the cover art, and she said she had always felt an affinity to the hummingbird. My original sketch for the cover art included one hummingbird, but the art’s creator, Sam Halterman Art, felt two hummingbirds would create a better balance. Two hummingbirds…two young ladies in the song…twin tragedies…it all seems so aligned.

The song “From A to Z” was produced by Maxwell Halterman at Max H Music. This is the second song he has produced for me. The song was mixed by Kevin Koelzer at 2ksoundmaker. Thank you Max and Kevin! Sam Halterman Art created the beautiful art and this is now her third time creating cover art for me. You can see her other creations on my songs “A Hole in Your Heart” and “Good Deeds Done.” Thank you Sam!

So, how do we cope with life’s unknowns? I think the song’s lyrics say it best:

“It will all happen as you dream it
Don’t be surprised if there’s struggles in between it
Eyes on the prize, always work hard
Keep your heart pure in the sight of the Lord
And humble yourself….”

And please….. BE CAREFUL ON THOSE STAIRS!!!

From A to Z
written 11/13/2013 by April Deller

Verse 1:
She’s preoccupied with the perfect life
She’s got it all planned out from A to Z
New York City, on to Stanford, then to Harvard, and finally
She’ll settle in San Diego with Mr. Right and the sun and the sea
But now she’s only thirteen

Chorus:
I wish I could tell her it will all happen as you dream it
But I know there will be struggles in between it
How do you prepare the innocent
Who are so unprepared with innocence
For the heartaches ahead?

Still I tell her it will all happen as you dream it
Don’t be surprised if there’s struggles in between it
Eyes on the prize, always work hard
Keep your heart pure in the sight of the Lord
And humble yourself…

Verse 2:
Because God forbid you’re climbing stairs in high, high-heels
You’re on the up and up, then you slip and suddenly
You wake up in a hospital bed surrounded by prayers instead
It’s not what you had planned in your head, it’s not part of your alphabet
It certainly wasn’t how you dreamed it

Bridge:
In your mind you fall into a deep abyss
You find yourself floating in weightlessness
All around you is emptiness of space and time
It’s a mystery…how will you get from A to Z?

Verse 3:
We all saw her go through this tragedy
We all feared she’d prematurely reached her Z
It must have been one of the letters in between
And we all rejoice she’s recovering
Each new letter now has new meaning

Chorus:
I wish I could tell you it will all happen as you dream it
But I know there will be struggles in between it
How do you prepare the innocent
Who are so unprepared with innocence
For the heartaches ahead?

Still I tell you it will all happen as you dream it
Don’t be surprised if there’s struggles in between it
Eyes on the prize, always work hard
Keep your heart pure in the sight of the Lord
And humble yourself…

aprildeller.hearnow.com/from-a-to-z

"From A to Z" is now live and available for listening! Please share! I will post the story behind the song in the coming days. 💕 Thanks again to Max Halterman at Max H Music for producing the song. Thanks to Kevin Koelzer at 2K Sound Maker for mixing the song. Thanks to Sam Halterman Art for the beautiful and meaningful cover art for the song.

From A to Z