Eighty-One

Shireen Crosses the Line

Label it coincidence, or credit it to effect, but on the very same morning that Momma J was praying for Manasses, Bug and Shireen, all three of them felt the urge to talk to God in the privacy of their own minds.

In the last two musings we have witnessed the conversation that Manasses had with God. Today, let’s find out about Shireen.

______ ______

Shireen and Bug, mother and child, under the same roof, each in a different part of the dwelling, each waking up by the quirks of their personality… it was Shireen that woke earliest, a bathroom get-up at quarter past 3, then toss ‘n turn till 5-something.

Shireen was delaying the getting up. Getting up meant being a grownup. Plus her feet were cold. Plus the day was full of nothing but hours to fill.

______ ______

In the right-after of Nolo getting locked up, fear remained within Shireen. Nights were worse, any noise was him, a car going by, a thunder rumble, Bug dropping a spoon in the kitchen, adrenaline would shoot through her.

But as weeks became months, with nary a Nolo, there came a sense of normal, like a spring following a hard winter.

Recently a strange feeling had come upon her; Shireen decided to label it Boredom. At first boredom felt like a high and mighty gift, after so long of living in constant peril in the possession of Nolo.

Boredom felt like vacation at first!

But lately, boredom only felt like boredom. And so, Shireen remained in bed, hoping for five more minutes of nothingness.

______ _________

Curled on her left side, the pillow just flipped over to the cool side, a thought came, it was about Momma J… wondering what she was doing, right about now?

Shireen pictured Momma J as being up, probably already out on her front porch.

Shireen could picture how Momma J was dressed, the old slippers, the robe, the coffee cup.

Question formed, what was Momma J doing about now? Shireen’s answer was, ‘I bet she talkin’ to God.’ Soon as Shireen thought it, her head went to up ‘n downing.

Then came comparison.

_____ _____

To Shireen, Momma J represented some version of supposed-to-be, that Shireen had never known was possible to be. Momma J was a singular, solid person, with a sense of home, a distinct, original personality.

Momma J surely had her wounds, but despite being old, despite being a woman, Momma J had a mysterious power about her. Call it high standards, call it high character, whatever it was, it was high up, but it never made Shireen feel put down. Instead, it attracted her. Momma J represented some it-can-be that Shireen had never known could be.

To Shireen came a thought question, ‘Where did this power come from?’ The answer was instant - ‘God.’ Shireen’s next thought was, ‘Whoevuh He be,’ followed by the next thought, ‘howevuh dat all works.’

…then came some devil thoughts…

that Momma J was up high,
and Shireen was way, way down…

that Momma J was clean,
and Shireen was low down and dirty…

that Shireen wasn’t good enough for God…
don’t even dare
to come out into the light,
just be like a kitchen roach,
waiting for night time…

Those thoughts were deflating, and defeating, anti-growing, and anti-healing. Those thoughts put Shireen right back into the ole familiar, that in whatever crowd of people she was in, Shireen was towards the back, off to the side, dragging the rear.

Then came a Bug thought.

______ ______

Bug was not “other” and “outside,” Bug was from her, part of her, at some level being a mother was like living with a living mirror. O the many times, Shireen had caught herself, delighted at Bug smiling, giggling, enjoying some little nothing of a moment, and here would come the thought, ‘Was I evuh used to be like dat?’

Look at the difference, in how Bug got relationed up with Momma J, not shy, not shamed, just a little boy bringing all his little boy-ness, without fear, without any hold-back!

Look at how Momma J had responded to Bug, arms wide, heart open, safe and full of big friendly.

Shireen asking herself, ‘Why can’t I be like dat?’

Was Momma J not safe? Why can’t a person just throw themselves at somebody who is safe?

And then… God came to Shireen’s mind…

______ ______

In the here ‘n now, in their little “family” group of four, Momma J was the ole woman of the bunch, most settled, most got it together… but what if Momma J was with God, like Bug was with Momma J? With God, could you just go jump up in His lap, and tell Him all your tellings?

Did a person have to get all church-ified, just to approach God, or could you be like Bug, and just come at Him as you were?

All them mornings, Momma J out on her front porch, not looking like something fit for company – much less God – but God was who Momma J was with, in an any day, everyday way!

So: the thought got thought, ‘Can I go at God like Bug goes at Momma J… like Momma J goes at God?’

___ ____

The answer came in a feeling, felt like she was standing on a cushion. Shireen felt safe, about making a move, in the God direction. She didn’t know how to do it correct, much less fancy, so she just did it her way.

‘Hello up dere, wherevuh You is… it’s me, Shireen. I guess I just wanted to cross ovuh da line wit’ Ya.’

She paused. She heard the air conditioner kick on, felt the air. Shireen wasn’t sure what to do next, but she caught herself feeling some feelings, one of them was “safe,” the other was “natural.”

Okay den,” Shireen mumbled to God, “let’s call it a start.”

_______ _______

This concludes this edition of Uncle P’s Morning Musings.

About the photograph: ask yourself, ‘I wonder what God’s reaction to this photograph is?’

What if – and would it surprise us? – what if God smiled, or even giggled at this picture?

Hate to put words in God’s mouth, but what if… what if God’s reaction is ‘If only you knew!’

Yes, God is God, high and mighty, beyond our beyond… but what if the core reason for Him making us, all boils down to two things, Love, and Relationship?

Is the highest work of God, the Creation? Or is dealing with us, loving us, saving us, changing us from lost to found to saved, changing us from outsiders to Father ‘n child family… what if THAT is high, high, high on God’s resume?

To make it more impressive: what if dealing with us requires God to be uniquely specific, with each of us?

Catching a Manasses Wakeup Moment

(We know a lot about Momma J’s morning routine, we can almost picture her front porch, facing east, sunrises coming up over the roofs of the across-the-street houses, the 3-legged ladderback chair just to the left as you come out the front door, porch swing to the left of her chair, the big shade tree off to the right of the front steps, a crepe myrtle on the left side of the walkway.

(We know how Momma J thinks and talks (and mumbles) to God. We can picture her big self going back inside for coffee refills.

(We know Momma J’s routine: Jesus time on the porch every morning early; then waits around, see if God sends somebody that needs an ear to hear.

(Somewhere during the week she takes a walk to the Dollar Store. Sunday mornings, she catches some God time, then waits on the front porch for Manasses to drive up in his old pickup truck, to haul her to church.

(But you know what we don’t know much about? We don’t know much about Manasses… Let’s go find out a little bit.)

______ ________

Manasses Jackson lives 5 minutes away from Momma J, on the not-quite-the-hood side of town.

The houses are decades old. House, house, then an empty lot, where a house used to be, the grass gets cut every three weeks, sometimes four.

A fallen limb might take a month to get pulled to the sidewalk, might sit there for three more weeks, waiting for the city trash trucks to pick it up.

Many of the original houses got subdivided into duplexes. Most rentals are Section 8s, government assistance. The landlords do the minimal, and the occupants don’t expect much.

____ ___

Having done many a year in prison, Manasses is not one to complain about small square footage, and window unit air conditioners.

Manasses lives in a duplex. You can tell they just stuck up a wall, right down the middle of the house, half a living room as you walk in, a skinny little hall, bathroom on the right, bedroom after that, then kitchen in the back, that’s it. Hot water heater, but no washer, no dryer. There’s an old clothesline out back, if a person felt so inclined.

Manasses sleeps on the bottom half of a bunk bed, in the one skinny bedroom. Big as he is, it’s hard to imagine how his body doesn’t fall off the edges… but having done many a year sleeping on prison beds, as Manasses would phrase it, “dis ain’t no thang.”

That’s one thing about Manasses, he may not talk much, but when he does, he rarely complains. Once you’ve lost your freedom, and got it back, it’s hard to complain about the real world. Even when it's bad, at least it’s real…

_______ _______

Manasses goes to bed early, like all those years in the joint. He doesn’t set an alarm, but he always awakes before the sun drops a sunray.

While Momma J tends to send a “Hey Lawd” to God before she’s up out of her bed, Manasses is not that way. It’s only been maybe a year and a little bit, since Manasses started going back to church on Sunday mornings.

While Momma J is over at her place, thanking God for the wakeup, and trying to get her praying on, Manasses is usually doing more regular people-type thinking.

Take yesterday morning: about this time yesterday, still in bed, he was thinking about Walmart, should he catch it on the way to work (since he didn’t need anything that couldn’t take some truck temperature.)

But that was yesterday. Today his first thought was about Momma J.

______ ________

‘She’s up. Might not be up out of bed, but she’s awake.’

Manasses could almost picture it, how Momma J was already ‘gettin’ aftuh God.’

Next thought, ‘Po’ God, He stuck on da receivin’ end o’ Momma J.’

The Bible tells that God made us in His image, but the funny thing is, we’re all so very different.

Maybe talking people saw God as a talker too, but Manasses was wired for quiet, so his God was quiet. He could picture God shifting in His chair, listening to Momma J rattle on with her wakeup thinking.

Even worse – imagine God dealing with a Bug prayer!

Here Manasses was, thinking in terms of prayer, first Momma J, then Bug, and then Manasses put himself into the picture…

‘Whatcha think ‘bout me, God?’

That’s about as direct as Manasses has ever gotten with God, since he come back outta the joint.

Lightning did not strike.

______ _______

Us, on the outside, we wonder about moments like that… if maybe up in heaven, some angels get excited, “Hey everybody!” an angel says, “Manasses just thought about God!”

_______ _______

Manasses stayed with the God thinking. He figured that God still loved him. Not because he had earned it, but because that’s how God is.

But if Manasses were God… Manasses would move on to someone younger, not waste prime time on someone who missed their chance… and now, they were all scars and wounds, broke down, and patched up…

It’ll make a big fellow humble.

As big goes, Manasses is great big; as humble goes, right here, right now, Manasses was right about rug height.

Manasses, thinking back on his used-to-be daydreams… how he might’ve could’ve been a big football player, maybe good enough for college, get him some education… Whether football played out or not, Manasses used to have serious daydreams about being a serious grownup, a fancy job, with a big paycheck, have a brick house, and money enough to hire somebody to cut his grass.

But them thoughts were no longer.

Manasses let out a breath. He had a lot of air to go out.

‘Hey God, what You see when You look down on me?’

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This concludes this edition of Uncle P’s Morning Musings.

About the Veselin Malinov photograph: the lighthouse seems so small and vulnerable in this moment.

Here comes the first thought, ‘Somehow it got built!’

Then comes the second thought, ‘It’s still here!’

Then comes the third thought, ‘Something ain’t done, until God decides it’s done.’