The Kankakee Chronicle

Beecher Woman Brings Loaded Gun to Courthouse to Avoid Jury Duty

Kankakee, IL — Courthouse security recovered a loaded Smith & Wesson handgun from the purse of 40-year-old Rachel E. Kane-Coffman of Beecher during routine screening.

“My long nightmare is over. Never will I be called in for jury duty again!” Mrs. Kane-Coffman reportedly yelled giddily to onlookers as she was placed in a squad car.

Kane-Coffman was taken into custody without incident and charged with carrying a concealed firearm in a court building and unlawful possession of a firearm in a prohibited place.

We later caught up with Ms. Kane-Coffman, who told the Chronicle about everything she had tried to get out of jury duty. “I tried all the classics, being racist, sexist, homophobic. Hell, I even converted to Mormonism, but they just kept accepting me. Finally, I decided to bring in my favorite drinking buddy, my Smith & Wesson.”

It remains unclear whether bringing a firearm into a courthouse qualifies as a lifetime exemption from jury duty. Chief Judge William S. Dickenson was reportedly overheard saying at a urinal, “Who cares? Let everyone bring in guns. It’ll help us with these case backlogs.”

For now, Rachel E. Kane-Coffman appears free from her civic duty and, if she has it her way, will only step foot in a courthouse again as a defendant.

BREAKING: Manteno Mayor Announces Hiring of Three More Attorneys to "Double-Check the Double-Check"

Manteno, IL — Saying that "you can never have too many legal opinions," Mayor Annette LaMore announced Tuesday that the Village has retained three additional attorneys and two more independent auditing firms to review the work of both village attorneys and the $200k taxpayer funded audit that turned up nothing out of the ordinary.

The new contracts, reportedly totaling $700,000 per year, or $2.8M over the mayor's 4-year term, will ensure that every legal opinion receives at least four additional legal opinions before anyone makes a decision.

"We're committed to transparency," the mayor reportedly said. "That's why we're commissioning several more audits before deciding whether to release the last audit."

Village officials explained that one law firm will advise the Village, another will advise the first law firm, a third will determine whether the first two attorneys are interpreting each other's advice correctly, while the auditing firms will spend the next year auditing one another.

Residents are said to be encouraged by the news.

"When it comes to billable hours being generated with nothing being accomplished," said lifelong resident Jimberly James. "I guess the village's new motto really is, 'La'More, La'Merrier.'"

Officials also hinted that if the newest audits conclude everything is in order, another independent audit may be necessary to verify those findings "just to be safe."

At press time, Village leaders were reportedly considering hiring a consultant to determine whether additional consultants should be retained.

Empress LaMore Declares Absolute Authority Over Manteno

Manteno, IL — A new era of governance may have arrived in Manteno, as Mayor Annette LaMore appears to have embraced the long-forgotten tradition of ruling by decree.

During a recent village board meeting, LaMore, looking resplendent in her new power armor, demonstrated what can only be described as an imperial approach to local government, asserting the ability to remove attorneys at will and personally determine who has the authority to carry out her orders.

In the latest display of executive confidence, the mayor informed Police Chief that she was granting him the legal power to remove an attorney from the meeting. The chief, seemingly unfamiliar with this newly discovered branch of municipal law, pushed back and explained that such authority was not his to exercise.

The audience responded with laughter as residents witnessed the rare moment when a government meeting briefly transformed into a lesson on the difference between declaring power and actually having it.

Critics of the new governing style have suggested that Manteno may need to update its village handbook to include the recently created position of “Empress,” complete with unlimited authority, instant legal powers, and the ability to rewrite responsibilities by announcement.

For now, residents who laughed at the mayor’s decree will need to be cautious as she has deemed them heretics to her empire.

Aqua Illinois Seeks Rate Hike to Fund Office Waterslides

Kankakee, IL — Aqua Illinois is requesting a $23 monthly rate hike to fund what it calls “infrastructure improvements,” including an already operational multi-story office waterslide system at the Kankakee office.

Company officials insist the slides are essential, and these suckers sure do need a lot of water.

“We work for a water company but barely ever get our toes wet!” Aqua President David Carter told the Chronicle as he went down his personal slide backward, because there are no rules for the Aqua slides.

“The rate hike will pay for the slides, our higher profit margin, and buying our competitors so we can have a nice monopoly and screw you losers overrrrrrr,” Carter said as he went down his slide again, this time doing a corkscrew move.

After we shared the damning comments with the Citizens Utility Board, they told us it "looked suspicious", but Aqua pushed back masterfully, with “nu-uh.”

As of this time, residents are not allowed to ride the Aqua slides.

Suspected Israelis sabotage Momence’s Fireworks Grand Finale.

Momence, IL – Friday night, as the city of Momence celebrated its Fourth of July fireworks show to celebrate America’s 250th anniversary, the grand finale was reportedly hampered.

Every year, the Island Park Bridge is lit up in the traditional red, white, and blue, but this year only white and blue streamed down as onlookers murmured about how there might have been a mistake.

But then one eagle-eyed viewer spotted something odd: where there once were American flags lining the bridge, they were now replaced by those of Israel. Many people were confused and unsure what to do or how to feel about this change of patriotism. As some yelled in anger, others saluted and clapped.

“I identify as American First, but I will support Israel until the day I die. If they want to have this finale that’s fine by me,” Francine Funkerknuckle told the Chronicle. “We should spend MORE of our tax dollars on Israel fireworks!”

Officials are being tight-lipped about who changed the finale or if it was always planned this way. Mayor Charles Steele, tossing his pager just to be safe, told his constituents that everything is fine; we’re practically the same country at this point, as his new taxpayer-funded aide, Ben-Gmir, stood behind him, nodding in approval.

As people returned home and continued America’s 250th celebration with their own fireworks, the sky once again lit up with the red, white, and blue we all cherish.

This reporter is not suicidal or has any interest in harming him or herself.

June 25 Declared “Manteno Mulligan Day” One Free Do-Over on Showing Up to Work

MANTENO, IL — Mayor Annette LaMore has established a new local holiday: Manteno Mulligan Day, now observed annually on June 25.

“The concept is simple. If you don’t feel like doing your job, you don’t have to show up. You can just decide it doesn’t count.” said Mayor LaMore. “The best part is that you get to keep cashing your taxpayer-funded paychecks.”

The tradition reportedly began when the mayor called a special meeting, then declined to attend it, later explaining that she believed the meeting she herself called was optional.

The new management philosophy quickly caught on across Manteno workplaces.

One factory scheduled mandatory overtime for all employees last Saturday. When workers arrived, management was nowhere to be found.

“They decided Saturday morning the overtime shift wasn’t valid after all,” said one confused employee. “Apparently they went boating instead.” By Saturday night, the factory determined the work that did get done was also “invalid,” and workers would not be paid for it.

Local resident Terry Smith, who recently got into hot water at work after allegedly mailing white powder to a co-worker and triggering an anthrax scare, said Manteno Mulligan Day finally put things in perspective.

“I knew HR was going to reprimand me at that meeting,” Smith said. “So I didn’t go. Then they scheduled another one, and I’m not going to that one either. I’m just following the new rules.”

The idea has already reached Manteno’s youngest residents as well.

"My mom called me down for dinner," one eight-year-old explained. "I determined the invitation failed to comply with household code, so I continued playing Minecraft."

Village officials have not clarified whether Manteno Mulligan Day applies only to meetings you personally schedule, or whether residents may also skip dentist appointments, youth soccer games, jury duty, family reunions, and court appearances after deciding the notice wasn’t delivered in the proper format.

Either way, June 25 is now officially on the calendar as “Manteno Mulligan Day”.

Friendship Festival Celebrates Record Number of Fist Fights

BOURBONNAIS, IL — Organizers are calling this year's Friendship Festival a resounding success after preliminary numbers showed strong attendance, decent weather, and a record number of fist fights.

The annual celebration of friendship, community, and unresolved grievances attracted thousands of visitors throughout the weekend, many of whom took the opportunity to reconnect with old classmates, former coworkers, exes, and people they have actively disliked since middle school.

Residents who attended the festival during the 1990s praised this year's event for capturing the spirit of earlier celebrations.

"It really took me back," said one local. "The rides were running, the lemonade was cold, and somebody was threatening to meet somebody else by the beer tent. It felt like old times."

Festival officials declined to release exact fist-fight statistics but confirmed that this year's total exceeded expectations and may represent the highest per-capita friendship-related conflict rate in festival history.

At press time, organizers were already discussing next year's event, including expanded parking, additional food vendors, and a new regulation boxing ring sponsored by the Kankakee County Conflict Resolution Council. Organizers say the attraction will provide a safe, structured environment for score-settling while reducing wait times near the beer tent.

Burgers And Beers Customers Demand Their Food Look AI

Bradley, IL — Burgers and Beers has set unrealistic standards with their Facebook posts, using AI-generated images to showcase their specials. Now, customers crave their meals to look exactly like the AI photos.

“I ordered the pizza burger, and it didn’t even have the liminal meat look to it,” said disappointed customer Travis Lawrence. “I assumed it was a veggie burger cause no real meat looks like this.”

Employees say complaints range from, “Can you make the burger look more like your Facebook picture? The one that looks just like my fiancé's, who’s from Maine and will visit once I send him more money for a plane ticket,” to more direct remarks like, “Are you fu***ng retarded?”

In response to these reactions, manager Kylie Jensen admitted the images may have been “a little enhanced,” but also highlighted the challenges small businesses face in marketing. “Look, it’s not like everyone has a camera in their pocket and can take photos anytime!” Ms. Jensen huffed at us.

Attempting to better meet expectations, the kitchen was reportedly experimenting with carving sacred geometric patterns into tomatoes while a line of customers waited, hopeful for a burger that looked like the graphics on the slot machines next to the bathrooms.

High School Athletes Sue The Daily Journal Over Terrible Photos

Kankakee, IL - A coalition of Kankakee County high school athletes filed a class-action lawsuit this week against the Daily Journal, alleging years of “reputational damage and irreversible group chat humiliation” caused by the paper’s relentlessly unflattering sports photos.

The suit, filed Monday, cites hundreds of published images depicting student-athletes mid-blink, making them look Asian, mid-sneeze, also making them look Asian, and the Asian students said their photos made them look bloated like Irish Catholics.

“I hit for the cycle,” said Wilmington shortstop Jake M., “and they chose the one frame where I look like I have down syndrome...and Asian.”

Parents have also joined the lawsuit, claiming the photos have cost their children scholarship opportunities and, in some cases, their inheritance.

A Daily Journal photographer anonymously told the Chronicle, “If I knew how to take photos with Manual mode, I would, but there’s like a buttload of buttons, and they don’t pay me a lot.”

At press time, the paper had published a follow-up image of the plaintiffs exiting the courthouse, all blinking simultaneously and looking Asian.

Fans Of Buckcherry Exhaust County’s Co***ne Supply After 315 Fest

Bradley, IL – Officials are working overtime to maintain adequate co***ne levels after Buckcherry fans depleted the county's supply during a weekend of heavy partying.

To address the shortage, Bradley’s Co***ne Commissioner Rob Romo released a statement assuring local users that part of the city’s co***ne reserves has been released, aiming to help both weekend warriors and addicts avoid resorting to violent crime.

Buckcherry is known for their hard partying persona, even though frontman Josh Todd has been sober since 1995.

Some critics of Mayor Michael Watson and his 315 commission argue that failing to account for the band’s fan base led to this situation, leaving the city’s reputation at risk.

Officials are considering raising property taxes to restore co***ne reserves.