Kelner Equine Services

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This summarizes summer last year with my red head !

Being a horse owner is a very niche lifestyle choice where you pay large sums of money to feel constant, low-level panic.

It feels like your horse is either:
• Lame
• About to be lame
• Or not lame, but thinking about it

They walk out of the stable one millimetre differently and you’re instantly like:
‘Ah. Yes. This is it. We’re done. Cancel all plans. Sell the trailer. I knew I shouldn’t have been happy yesterday.’

You then spend 45 minutes watching them walk away from you, towards you, away again, on a circle, on a different surface, in slow motion, filming from so many angles that you look like a pro photographer and not a horse owner spiralling into insanity in a muddy gateway.

Next step: messaging everyone you know.
“Does Jude look lame or am I insane?”
Replies range from:
• “No, looks fine”
• “Maybe slightly?”
• “Is it front left? No, is it hind left? Right?”

Helpful.

So you call the vet. Obviously.
Vet arrives.
Horse: flawless.
Moves like a £500k Grand Prix prospect.
Vet squints at you. You squint at the horse. The horse squints back, completely innocent.

Vet says: “Well, he’s sound today.”
You nod, pretending this is reassuring and not deeply insulting.

You pay the bill.
The horse immediately trips on fresh air the moment the vet leaves.

And yet, despite the emotional damage, the financial ruin, and the fact they exist purely to test your mental stability… you’d still sell a kidney if they needed it. No questions asked.

Because being a horse owner means loving an animal who keeps you humble, broke, and one weird step away from a full breakdown.

Anyway. He’s fine. Thanks to everyone that has asked after him.

✌🏽 🩷