Relationship Solutions

Effective apologies have a structure to them.

First, acknowledge and comfort the pain you caused. This isn't intuitive for a lot of us. We usually want to lead with an explanation, an excuse, or a defense.

"I didn't mean to!"
"That's not what I meant."
"If you hadn't..."

When we first focus on our intentions, we minimize or dismiss the pain in the other person. Just because I accidentally step on your toes, that doesn't mean it hurts any less. Sore toes are sore toes.

Instead of focusing on our intentions, we should first acknowledge the impact of our actions.

"I'm so sorry. I see how much that hurt you."

After we have acknowledged and soothed the pain, the other person is more likely to hear your explanation of why you did what you did. There probably is context and if you have a good explanation, they need to hear it. It just needs to happen in the right order.

1. Acknowledge the IMPACT of your actions.
2. Explain your INTENT.