Safe Guard

“Most of the time women and men begin Jiu Jitsu due to some form of abuse whether it’s from child abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse over from some point in their life. They are there to deal with and face their issues not have more issues.”

Check out this great article compiling red flags of a cult environment in jiu jitsu. Ultimately a cult-like environment is ripe for abuse of all kinds.

Escaping A Cult A Real Life Survival Story of Escaping A Cult As I ran down the stairs leaving all of my gear in my locker, all of my medals on the wall from competitions I suddenly became weightless, my mental health was more important. That night and every night prior to that in that week I’d woken up and reali...

It bears repeating. People experience hell when they are hurt by someone the trust, and continue a long journey through hell to bring accountability. We must do more to keep our sport safe. Other’s lives literally depend on it.

Beginnings of abuse: silent treatment

Rather than discussing their feelings or talking through a disagreement, they ignore you and refuse to speak until you apologize (probably for something you didn’t do) or move past the situation as if nothing happened.

The silent treatment is a technique of power and control. In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use the silent treatment in order to avoid addressing the abusive behaviors you are trying to confront them on. By refusing to speak, you are left with either deciding between ending the relationship completely or moving on without resolution.

Depending on the level of grooming prior to the silent treatment and the nature of the relationship, moving on without resolution may feel like the most viable option. Unfortunately, this transfers more power and control to the abuser and future situations are likely to escalate. If someone is refusing to address problematic behavior, it can be a very difficult decision to leave or distance yourself from them. Especially if that person is your instructor and you likely have close relationships with teammates you do not want to lose as well. Know that the silent treatment is a serious red flag and consider reaching out to someone you trust for help.

Grooming can be difficult to identify and difficult to hold someone accountable. The nature of grooming is that no one is getting hurt. Therefore, even when you recognize the red flags, it can be challenging to confront someone for behaviors that are not hurting anyone, yet. We have been working on codes of conduct and ethics that schools can implement that cover grooming behaviors. However, if you have other solutions, we would love to hear them!!

Next, we will cover how grooming transitions into abuse. Grooming establishes a bond of trust between the abuser and their target. Once trust is established, their target is more likely to stick around after an abusive episode. They remember the kind, supportive person of the grooming phase and are likely to dismiss the abuse as a mistake. Like a frog in boiling water, abuse usually slowly ramps up at a pace where the target doesn’t realize how bad things have become.

While the psychological and emotional abuse we will discuss are typically precursors to sexual abuse, it does not mean it is not harmful and have physical impacts. Studies have shown behaviors such as the silent treatment (where someone refuses to speak to you) impact the pain detection parts of the brain, resulting in physical symptoms (https://exploringyourmind.com/silent-treatment-psychological-abuse-disguise/).

These behaviors are more likely to occur in private. To make matters worse, the abuser will likely spin the stories of these interactions to paint themselves in a positive light to others. If you think someone is being groomed, it is important to talk with them about these initial abuse warnings. If you think you are being groomed and notice any of these behaviors, you should speak with someone you trust and make plans to end the relationship as soon as you can.