Sage Float Spa

Today marks one year since Ryan died. Here is a memory I'd like to share.

When we moved into our house in spring '22, the backyard was full of lilies. The previous owners planted them, & I loved them bc my mom’s name was Lily.

In spring '23, my mom died unexpectedly. At the same time, Ryan was building a deck right where the lilies grew, & they'd be covered. I told him I was sad I wouldn’t see them bloom again.

A few days later, he led me to the side yard. “Come here,” he said. Every lily was carefully spaced in the planter box outside our bathroom window.

“Now you can still see them,” he said, smiling.

I stood there, stunned by how thoughtful he was. He always had a solution for everything.

“Wow. Thank you,” I said, reaching for his arm. He hugged me. “You’re welcome.”

I have countless memories of him, but the lilies stand out. Every time I look out the window in the bathroom he remodeled, or walk to the side yard to the sheds he built, I see them.

My thoughts about our relationship are complex. There’s so much he kept from me, things I don’t understand, & I'll never be able to ask him about any of it. His addiction makes it hard to untangle what we had. But when I see the lilies, I don’t think about that. I think about the person who moved them, who made sure I wouldn’t lose them. That was the real Ryan. Not who he was when he was struggling at the end.

People say time makes grief easier, but that hasn’t been my experience. I’m just emerging from the fog. It feels like a lifetime & no time at all. I tell myself I should feel better, but I don’t. Yes, the shock is gone, replaced by the finality of never seeing him again & the sadness of what I’ve learned about his final weeks.

Sometimes I want to text him, or I see a truck like his & I think it’s him. Then I remember.

Now that it’s spring, the lilies are blooming again. What once reminded me of my mom now reminds me of him & it feels like a cruel joke.

I've heard year two is the hardest, when reality fully sets in. I don’t know if that will be true for me, but I’m waiting to find out. And as I do, I’ll look at my lilies & remember the best parts of him.

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