Lessons for a Lifetime

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Speaking of S*x and Money…and NO, I Don’t Mean Paying for It Money is a harsh reality. We need it. We want it. We need it to get the things that we need to live a healthy life. Needing money isn’t…

Morning Habits

Creating new habits is tough work. It takes keeping things at the forefront of memory. Especially when the active memory can only hold 6 or 7 things at a time. It requires self-discipline and let’s admit, we don’t all have enough of that. I know I don’t.

I ran across a book called Willpower by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney, they describe a concept they call ego depletion. Basically, it says as the day moves forward, your self-discipline and willpower get depleted by all the choices you’ve had to make throughout the day.

They describe an experiment called the radish experiment. There were three groups of people put in front of pieces of chocolate, warm cookies and radishes. The first group was allowed to chose whatever they’d like to eat. The second group was only allowed to select the radishes. The third group was a control group and not allowed to chose any of the food options.

Next they were taken into a room with a puzzle. They had to work on the puzzle. The first group, the group that did not have to demonstrate any willpower worked for about 20 minutes on the puzzle. The second group that had to exert willpower worked for about 8 minutes on the puzzle. Their willpower was depleted. Just like a car gas gauge goes down as you drive the amount of will power you have goes down with the more you have to use it.

The take away is that you have more willpower in the morning. So, if you can, starting a new habit or a habit that you know will be hard such as jogging or hitting the gym will be more likely to stick if you can add it to your morning routine. This makes sense. I know I feel fresh in the morning. By the end of the day I’m tired. I don’t want to make decisions. I don’t want to start something new and here is one of the reasons why. To sum things up, you’ve got X amount of willpower to power your day. Your tank is full when you get out of bed. That is the best time to add something new you want to make a habit.

Compare Yourself to Yourself Yesterday

I’m big on personal growth and constantly trying to learn and improve myself. In another writing I wrote to set a goal and work towards it by trying to grow and reach your aspiration by changing 1% a day. That’s slow going but we all know the fable of the tortoise and the hare.

Back in high school I was a really tall and very skinny kid. I was 6’ 3” and graduated high school weighing 163 pounds. I wanted to look like the bigger kids and wanted to play football with my friends so I got real into weightlifting trying to bulk up.

I read all the bodybuilding magazines and read all the books. What I learned is the top bodybuilders at their peaks when doing the bench press or leg press, they were trying to increase their weight one pound at a time. They knew exactly what they squatted the last time. They were comparing themselves to themselves the last time they did that exercise. That’s how they saw they were growing and succeeding.

They weren’t comparing themselves to the person next to them, they were comparing themselves to themselves looking for that small growth. If we compare ourselves to others, we’re not going to see our own growth. That gets frustrating. Also, if we look for a big change to quick, we may miss out on all the small successes we’re making. Those small successes let you know that you are indeed moving forward.

This is a big reason all those new year’s resolutions fail. You start off too fast or expect too much in a short period of time. Just look to yesterday and look for that little bit of growth. It may be fitness related but it can also be an improvement you made at work or steps you’re taking towards mending a marriage.

We should be trying to grow and improve a little everyday and looking at yourself yesterday you can see it and congratulate yourself. It may also give you the strength to keep on keepin’ on.

The Inner Critic

The inner critic. It’s something that we all have. It’s that voice in the back of your head questioning you, judging you and telling you you’re not good enough. In Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning the inner critic is, “Is kind of a psychological jackal who, with every attack, weakens and breaks down any good feelings you have about yourself.” It’s a nefarious force we must learn to combat.

A loud critic will make you shut down. A loud critic will prevent you from taking the risks in life that will make you succeed. This voice is toxic. This voice goes along with you everywhere you go drowning out the compliments you receive and obliterating your successes. All past failures will come screaming up from your subconscious. The critic is an insidious beast. To make things worse this will lead to a process called chaining where the first failure will lead you to ruminating about all your failures.

The inner voice starts being formed in childhood. You may hear words or voices like you did as a child when your parents scolded you. It takes on more voices as you grow older. Maybe that of a particularly harsh boss or teacher.

In its own way what the inner critic is trying to do is prevent pain. This is odd seeing as how it causes so much pain. The inner critic keeps you from acting. It tries to prevent you attempting something that might result in pain. When you were a kid you tried things and sometimes fell flat on your butt. Your subconscious remembers this pain and tries to stop it from happening again. If not attempting the next new thing saves you from feeling pain, your subconscious remembers this. Or if not acting prevents being chastised from a parent or teacher you’ll remember this. Next time you’re in a situation where you can feel pain, your critic tries to talk you out of it so you don’t feel any pain.

In order to defeat the critic, listen to the sound he makes in your head. This is necessary so you know when the critic is attacking vs. realizing something is a legitimate thought. You have to know what the voice sounds like so you can scream back at him. You’re going to have to really let loose and scream at your critic. Remember you have been listening to him your whole life and you’ve even started to trust it. You suffered years of abuse from the critic.

Make a list of all the things you don’t like about yourself. We’re going to work on reframing. Reframing is taking a look at a situation and viewing it with a new healthy perspective. For example, if you didn’t get a job you wanted, you could say, “I didn’t get the job I wanted but that only means there is a better one out there.” Also, you want to use positive language in your reframing. An example would be “My killer dinner was no good” a positive refrain would be, “I didn’t succeed in cooking this dinner” but I am a good cook; this was just an off day. Try not use black and white words in your reframe like always, never or every time. And last, look for examples where items on your list aren’t true. This helps you avoid the black and white thinking and you can also feel good about yourself because now you can shoot holes in the critic.

Now make a second list with all your good qualities. I now you may feel uncomfortable doing so. I know I did. But take a reasonable and honest look at yourself. You’ve got good qualities. I’m sure of that. You have a list written, go over each one and pay attention to the last time you used your good qualities. Wait and see just how often it’s your good qualities that show up for business.

What I Learned from a Man in a Wheelchair

I was in the hospital recently. I had a roommate. He looked to be in his mid-thirties about the same age as me. We’ll call him Tony. The thing about Tony was he was in a wheelchair. We talked but I never asked him what happened and he didn’t offer it up. There are some things I don’t ask unless the other person brings it up first.

Aside from the wheelchair he did tell me he was in the middle of a divorce and mentally in a bad place. I felt for him but I didn’t feel bad. I don’t feel bad for people because I don’t want people feeling bad for me.

I’ve been having knee problems. For a long while I was attributing it to the fact that recently I’ve been packing on the pounds. When Tony was around, I didn’t say anything about my knees. But when he wasn’t around, I’d tell the nurses about the pain I was in.

I caught myself doing this and wondered why. Obviously, I wasn’t complaining because Tony had it worse. My knees aren’t the Ferrari of knees. Actually, they’re more like a Pinto with a broken muffler. But I’ve still got both of my legs and for that I’m happy.

When I thought about this is the way I now needed to be. If there is a person I wouldn’t complain about a problem to, they I probably actually have something I should be grateful for. And yes, I’m very grateful for the fact I still have ten fingers and ten toes.

I’ve come to realize that having gratitude is an important part of life. Yes, it’s true. You can always find somebody that has it worse off than you do and frequently people just feel bad for them. I’m talking about having good heart felt gratitude. My mom has terminal cancer right now but it’s growing at a very slow pace and I can’t tell you had grateful I am she is still around even if her life is hard.

It feels good to have gratitude. It feels good to be grateful. It’s nice knowing that the gifts I’ve been given outweigh the burdens I have to stomach. Tonight, I’m feeling grateful that I do have my legs. I’m also feeling grateful to Tony for the important life’s lesson that he taught me.