Space for Balance - Individualized Experiences

I'm struggling in the love life department

Not because I feel I cannot find love

or because I do not feel loved

But because I don't trust myself to not feel trapped in it

I don't trust that I'll feel like all sides of me are being welcomed, desired, adored and loved, or that I'll be able to make my partner feel the same

I trust that there will be effort, true effort, to make it feel like there's space made for all of ourselves

But there are pieces of me that are hard to swallow

I know it because I've watched so many choke

I know it because I've tried shaving away at the layers I know are too bitter to most

I know it because when these layers are revealed, there's shock on the person's face

Sometimes the shock is met with curiosity

Sometimes the shock is met with awe and praise

Sometimes the shock is met with judgment and assumptions rooted in hasty generalizations

All times, I wish I wasn't so shocking, so unsettling

Especially when all I'm preparing for is to feeled settled, to slow and simplify

I hold deep desire for someone to build me a nest

But this nest I know I'm not ready for

How heartaching to crave something we feel we cannot yet accept

The past year, maybe two, have beaten away at me from every angle

And now

I know not what I want

I know not where I'm meant to end up

I know not what brings me most joy and peace and balance

I do know I'm ready to step into softness

I do know I'm ready to rebuild with ease rather than intensity

I'm becoming aware that I'm making decisions by not making certain decisions

But I am uncertain

And surrendering to it

Because each moment I've felt certain recently, has backfired and left me questioning my intuition

So I'm done deciding for a while

I'm letting the universe pave the way

And maybe someday I'll feel ready again

But for now?

I'm building my own nest

and flying solo

Not because I want to

but because I owe it to myself, and my future relationship, to figure out how to trust myself again

🪹🕊

What a wild ride it's been

I simulateously feel like I am standing on top of the world and looking up from rock bottom

It's a beautiful feeling really.....to feel like I'm starting from scratch but more prepared
aligned
regulated
resourceful
educated
careful
and
peace driven than ever

I often say, everything before now has been preparation for the present

I feel the truth in that more evident than ever before

There's so much living to be done

I was about to say work, but it doesn't feel like work

It simply feels like showing up for the human experience

Taking the steps to secure my root

Calling on community for help where I need it

Finding meditation in the mundane

Alchemizing frustration and eagerness into trust and surrender

All is right on time

The only things I have to do

Are be where I am

And trust that all is right on time

Presence where I am will carry me where I'm meant to be next

Ridding myself of the rush will make space for more presence and for the journey to fall into place

The chapter ahead will be my best yet ✨️

I'm sure it will be for you as well 💛

🍁