Xander The Icon

This is my cry for help. (PLEASE READ)

As most of you know from meeting me, or hearing my music. I have been am addict for going on to 10 years now. I have battled this part of me like WW3 for the last 5 trying to stay sober. But with that I have relapsed more times than I could even count.

I am dissapointed in myself for that alone. I am dissapointed in the man that my addiction has led me to become. And as of 4/20/2024 I quit methamphetamine and all stimulants cold turkey. But exactly 1 year later to the date I relapsed.

Though there is no excuse for my choices and I know that.... the reasons of me falling into relapse are extremely heavy on my heart, mind, and soul. And my excuse every time has been. "Well ide rather be high and grind my way through this patch of hell rather than follow suit to my brother and wrap the rope around my throat".

So here I am... sitting in my truck.... just lost my job, lost my place, lost the woman who stood by my side through it all even when she shouldnt have. I lost my friends, I lost my family, and most importantly I lost myself.

I lied about the pain I was hiding, I lied about the pain I have caused to not only myself but to Renee, and the people around me who watched me crumble.

Understand I deal with alot of trauma and PTSD and battle severe depression as well as some other s**t in the mix that ive never once been medicated for. Therapy was never an option to me as I didn't want to face these issues of mine or even face my own self and the issues I myself have caused.

Today is the day I make my stand... now I know some of you may not like me. Some may adore me. Some may not even know me. But this is my cry, my scream for help as I'm tired of this battle. Im tired of this life ive brought upon myself. Im tired of the pain ive been dealt and the pain I deal. I'm tired of losing grip on reality and the man im supposed to be.

Tonight I do the last line of my life to end this cycle. And yes im not afraid yet am ashamed to admit i can not just toss it away and call it a day. But I have reached out to any plug I have and asked them not to serve me no matter how hard I may beg and ask. Amd luckily I picked some of the most loyal and sober dealers around who have also become friends and want me sober as bad as I do. So I am cut off.

But again tonight I do my last line and having my final high from this evil drug that has consumed my everything.

And I need your help. Anyone and everyone that is willing, whether I know you or not. Please dont let me feel alone. Please reach out to me daily through this detox and road to sobriety and check in on me because I promise I will not be okay. I will not be living in a field of flowers and butterfly's. But in the deepest depths of my hell and mental warfare. And I need the help to see the furure. I need the help and reminder that everything will be okay. And that everything will fall into place. I need to be reminded im not alone and im not a lost cause. I need your help to keep me on this path to a better me. I have next to noone in my corner or life due to the fact I isolate and don't let anyone in. But that changes tonight.

For myself, my family, my kids, my future, my music, and my story. This all needs to end.

Please.... if you have the heart and understand this battle. Please check in. Please motivate me. Please help push my dumb ass through this. Ive never cried for help like this and maybe its what I've needed to do.

As the tears fall onto my phone as im writing this. I know my time in this lifestyle has to be done and over for good, before my time in this life in general is.

Feel free to share this post. Infact I encourage it. I want people like me to know were not alone, we can do this and overcome what seems like the impossible.

Here's my biggest attempt down the road to recovery and a new me.

Thank you to all that read this and do show me the support that I need. I love you all

"Falling into a dreamscape" is a descriptive phrase for the experience of entering a dream, often characterized by a sense of disorientation and weightlessness, which can be a deliberate technique for lucid dreamers to regain control or simply the natural unfolding of a dream"