The Morning Report

Today, on Nutrition Noon! It was Swift that once said "Brave was the man who first ate an oyster!" Indeed, but well rewarded for his fine culinary prowess! Oysters are not only delicious, but have many nutritional benefits, including their ability to make you process water with greater potency, requiring fewer liquids! Additionally, oysters are known to be excellent meals for children, as they bolster growing bones and muscles! Unsurprising, considering they are named "mulloscs" which is very close to the word 'muscles!' Remember, eat more oysters, and respect their outstanding creation!

Today's noon Scoop!

Today, on Nutrition Noon! Here's everything you need to know about produce!
- Pineapples are completely inedible according to the FDA and only eaten by cultists
- The same cultists are also the only ones to eat asparagus
- Those cultists hate humanity
- Peppers of all forms are delicious, but generally hated by Americans for their ethnic heritage
- Not all mushrooms do crazy things to your brain, which is why mushrooms only sell well from private homes
- Radishes are less a food and more an exercise in patience
- Everyone likes grapes
- Grapes are also good for you, which is really less important than how well-liked they are
- No one knows how to cut a mango
- Scientists are looking into why cauliflower is so weird, but don't have any conclusive reports
- No, squash isn't just a sport played by rich people
- Life gives a lot of lemons that eventually go bad because no one uses an entire lemon, ever
- People claim they know what produce is seasonal, but no one really does
- Only old people eat figs, but they are still delicious and healthy
- Vegetarians claim eggplant parmesan is delicious, but we all know it's just a gross version of lasagna
- Just stick with all the stuff you know; celery, apples, carrots, and meat
- Americans don't eat enough meat, according to those cultists we talked about

Today, on the Morning Report! Locals put manikins all over town dressed in standard college regalia to fill the void of the now empty town! Many of the manikins are dressed provocatively, or in crude positions, and some are even making rude gestures at passing cars! Jonathon McGillan, local manikin collector and father of six, stated "I just needed the students to still be on Court street, clogging up the sidewalk, spilling a burrito in front of me, coating the ground with globs of spit. I miss it! But right now, I also miss the noise, the vulgarity, their vapid conversations..." McGillan placed several speakers in strategic locations to emulate the correct volume of the student population, but other locals seem skeptical that a recording could recreate the spontaneous feeling of drunken revelry with any authenticity. Is this form of escapism healthy, or should we just invite the students back for another large block party? You decide!