The Amarillo Rag

Breaking news:

Laura Storrs made the announcement by cold-calling our office.

"I already bought seventeen tubas and a xylophone," shouted Storrs, who insists she "will be the next Taylor Swift."

We reached out to City Manager and time-travelling Cole Stanley from the Future Grayson Path, who confirmed that Storrs has already delegated most of her work to subordinates so she can spend time honing her music skills. "She spends hours locked in her office playing random notes on her tubas."

Once she officially leaves in February next year, she is expected to be replaced by an updated version of Microsoft Excel.

BREAKING: Making Sense with Michael J is not happy. This is a developing situation.

Sponsored by Street Toyota.

Following a years-long legal standoff, Amarillo's city government has moved out of the Amarillo Rag HQ and into an abandoned warehouse across the street.

"The court finally rejected the absurd squatter's rights argument put forward by the city," said the Amarillo Rag's legal team.

Breaking: Wrong Hole!

In a campaign speech, Panhandle Groundwater Conservation District Board candidate Dan Rogers promised to implement "hand-marked self authenticating water" if elected.

"This will stop foreign governments like Oklahoma from stealing our water to feed their le****ns," said an inebriated Rogers.

City Councilman Josh Craft set off a wave of speculation after he announced he would not seek reelection. The Amarillo Rag is now the first to report that Craft made the move ahead of a planned run for student council.

Herrick's campaign promptly blamed the crash on Alex Fairly.

"If I had known that person had a place to sleep at night, if I had known they had a roof over their head, I would have acted differently," said Pastor Ronnie Drive. "Nobody with the means to pursue legal action should ever have to go through this."

"I miss my old chair," the mayor said on 37 separate occasions during the council's first meeting in the new city hall.

Stanley's main challenger in the upcoming election, Jason Herrick, released a statement in response calling the mayor "an anti-chair extremist."

"His purported existence was nothing more than a social experiment," said board chair Alex Fairly. "You may return to living your lives as normal."