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Peace out yow!

Christian Paul

When it rains, it pours...

I got viral infection today, just a few days before my delayed infusion😅 Funny is that there seems to always be a reason for it to be delayed despite my continued effort that it won't be.

Oh my God!

THE HAIR THE BROKE THE CAMEL'S BACK...

I incurred a lot of losses and defeat in the week alone; and ONE LOSS, made me finally depressed.

I have descended into the abyss, and have been tempted by the demons that live within. I found myself so deep into depression that I just found a cutter in my hand, bleeding through the cuts that hurt no more. It's a familiar territory, years ago, I was here; to this day I still bore the scars brought upon by the sorrow that almost ate my life away. This week alone, I visited the darkness of the thoughts and have been awake by the different voices of the demons lurking within.

"Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken away." Is a line that perfectly describes how LIFE IS UNFAIR. You can be sure it is true because Jesus Himself said it. We can keep winning with the confidence built by our past wins; We could also break and be defeated from a battle we might have won before, but couldn't the next time around all because you came from a loss. More will be given from those who have abundance and for someone like me who has lost, I have lost even that which was left. I wanted to be angry and resent God for it, but I can't. I couldn't help but stand in awe of His wisdom given that I, who a lot of you may have thought to be STRONG, has been crumbling all because I was weak. Dog eats dog in this world. The strong prey on the weak; I lost not because I was unlucky nor because God didn't love me, but because I became weak.

It's the paradox of my battle cry. I could only imagine God laughing because of the sick joke my life has become. I prayed strength amidst of weakness but it seems fate has taken the last straws I draw my strength from. DESPAIR and INSECURITY seeped into the core of my being that made me visit the bottom of hell. I honestly confess, I was a inch away into finally giving it all up.

In yet another twisted joke, someone messaged me of a video of the man we both admire. The message was: "Don't underestimate the hole your absence would leave."
Believe me, it's not pride or ego that made me rethink and see my reactivity; It's the RESPONSIBILITY that I took upon in this ever so cruel world. Yes LIFE IS UNFAIR but He had already warned me. Bad things happened to good people but even I am not one of the good ones. I realized, that maybe it's not about me. If I give up now, and just die; It would have been EASY! It would have been easier for me but all the more unfair to the ones who have been burdened by my pathetic existence. Even if my example can't be inspirational or motivational for anyone, including myself, maybe there might be a reason I was given a very bad joke!

For the context here's the joke: I closed the fundraiser because I was desperate; I wanted to give up but I was given some very tricky lifelines so I wagered the last money I had to purchase the drug I couldn't afford. It was all just so I could not delay my treatment. But the treatment was DELAYED not because I failed to purchase it on time, but simply because there was no supply left for the moment. The sicker joke was I just found out, or rather, began to realize that the reason I was living my life for was already gone; not because of anyone else, but because of ME! I simply couldn't protect my people because the enemy was me all along. In the end, I found myself HOMEless (I lost my figurative home), direction-less, and penniless (Oh the debt I incurred). The drug I put my hopes up for, delayed thus decreasing it's effectivity. (Call me dramatic, but I only had a low chance of full remission, and this delay just diminished that.) Like Elijah, I felt all my work was a failure. Not only that, it may have failed long before I realized it was a failure.

God has a sense of humor, that's for sure. I realized that maybe the MEANING I have been looking for is so I could learn how to LAUGH with Him.
Maybe there's a GOOD in all of this; not just the good health and good fortune I wished though. Maybe it's what Faith is all about; become the joke yet be able to laugh with God.
God is still good! I was made good because I was made in His image. Maybe the meaning is not so I could see a good life, but so I could try bringing out my goodness for others.
Love is an ever mysterious feeling and action. After all, God is love.