Marcos Journals

This quote from Brené's Rising Strong speaks volume for the truth that I have been embodying for years now.

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙎𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙚𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙆𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙢𝙩𝙖𝙣
(𝘈 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘣𝘺 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘙𝘢𝘯𝘢, 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬, 𝘙𝘶𝘯 𝘛𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘍𝘪𝘳𝘦)

The waves on this beach can erase tourists’ painful memories. There are occasions when tourists would complain about not being able to remember something from their past after spending some time alone while watching the sunset and the gently crashing waves. However, it was a good thing for many because not only that it erased painful memories, but it also helped them forget what it feels like. I first discovered this place when one of my friends invited me here to celebrate his birthday.

The sand is pure white and powdery, and the water is usually calm and crystal clear. During the sunset, the surface of the water turns into gold like a huge concave lens mirroring the sky. It’s a breathtaking view like no one else in the world. The coconut trees glorify this very hour by just playing with the gentle breeze, a perfect moment for anyone who would love to stride along the seashore and feel the golden luminance of the surroundings.

It was also at this very hour when I happened to meet the wave that was responsible for erasing the memories of the tourists. I was sitting on the sand and quietly watching the deep sky with scattered pinkish clouds. Just a meter away, was a crashing wave gently hugging the shore. I was drinking a can of beer and just as I took it from my lips, I heard a voice nearby.

“You have plenty of that? Mind if you offer me a drink?” The wave asked and as my Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, my brain stopped functioning for a couple of seconds. It was an actual wave, with no form, just a mere wave tossing back and forth, speaking like an ordinary person.I stretched my arms and offered a can of beer, but I just heard him laugh.

“Too bad, I don’t have a belly for that,” the wave said.

“How do you do that?” I asked with confusion.

“What? Are you confused that you hear me speak?” the wave asked.

“No. I’m rather confused at how you could speak again after being tossed by the wind and crashed in the sand over and over,” I answered.

The wave laughed again which made me feel that I was the one being strange between the two of us.

“So, what is it that you want to forget?” the wave asked in a serious voice.

I looked at the horizon followed by the breathing in and breathing out that seemed to get heavier every time I do it.I remember the day I left home fifteen years ago—an unforgettable moment that marked a huge hole inside my heart. I was truly devastated by the loss of my father, followed by the loss of a friendship that I have nurtured since childhood. Everything was taken away from me at the age of sixteen. The depth of my despair was indescribable and the only thing I knew was to leave that place to forget everything. I could no longer find the sense of belonging, every face was becoming unfamiliar, and the more I stayed there, the more I could no longer feel my existence. In Manila, college kept me busy or maybe it was the other way around. I have learned to move on but to forget everything was never possible. After all these years, I could still feel and remember everything.

“So, what is it that you want to forget?”

I did not answer the question, but I smiled back at him and said that I’d rather choose to remember everything. The wave went silent and did not respond, I think it was just waiting for me to continue.

“There were days when it was just too hard to move. I didn’t have any motivation to aspire for bigger things because I had nothing left. What’s there to fight for anymore? Isn’t it just easy to vanish as well?”

The wave made a sound that is hardly audible, just a mere popping of bubbles washed out in the sand.

“I’ve been too used to this kind of pain. And it feels like it’s part of who I am.”

I stopped and waited for the wave to respond but I heard nothing.

“I believe that everything that I went through in life has an explanation. The reason for that is because I need to wrestle with my own self, to fight my own demons, and to overcome it so that I can also share my story,” I continued.

The wave responded at last.

“You know, you are the first person that has ever rejected my offer. And this is exactly the moment I’ve been waiting for,” the wave said in a gentle and hopeful voice.

“What do you mean by waiting for this moment?” I asked.

“You just made me believe in humanity again. I thought people were already hopeless and there’s no way they can acknowledge the power that they possess to transcend these painful memories into a story that they can share to the world. You proved me wrong,” the wave said.

The energy in its voice slightly diminished. The popping of bubbles every time it crashed in the sand was just getting more and more satisfying.

“I want to live my life by accepting who I am and everything that made me who I am today. I want to remember everything until the end. There’s nothing more important in this lifetime than to just be free, loving, compassionate, and understanding. This is my goal.”

I waited for the wave to respond again but this time around, I heard nothing, just a mere crashing of the waves gently crashing in the sand. The breeze started to get colder, and it was at the moment I noticed that the temperature had slowly dropped. The fog haze was gradually forming, and the sea has become calmer. The surface of the water mirrored the sunset’s pinkish glow, and I could imagine myself as a perfect silhouette from behind.

“I’m glad I chose to remember everything.”

Don't stop. Just keep trying.

It's been 33 good years.