HeresGolden

Government bans Golden due to “Extreme Productivity.”

We regret to announce that the Ministry of Economic Development has issued an immediate cease and desist on all Golden sales. Apparently, our high-strength, anti-blowout, “Bread-Tag” design has made people too productive.
Reports show that people wearing Goldens are actually making it from A to B on time. Golden wearers are finishing their weekend chores, hikes, beach trips, work, in record time, leading to a dangerous surplus of “free time”, something the government is desperate to avoid.

Please return your Goldens immediately. In exchange, we will provide a pair of the flimsy ones that snap if you look at them wrong, ensuring you stay slow and frustrated like the rest of the world.

Thank you.