Coaching with Iemke

Here’s how to deal with people that are insulting you: listen and reflect.

Let me explain.

I read a story the other day of someone who was on a trip with a friend in another country. During the trip, the friend kept insulting the other person whenever things weren’t as optimal as they’d hoped for, blaming them for the situation and calling them all sorts of names.

The course of action here was to listen and reflect.

But before that, we need to realize that the insults are not personal attacks on you. They are the result of an inner need the other person has that is not being met. Where the actual cause of their troubles come from is irrelevant: they needed a target, and you just so happened to be on the receiving end.

Once you understand that it’s not about you, you need to make the other person feel heard by labeling and questioning. Examples:

“I see you’re feeling stressed out.”

“What you’re saying is, is that you would have preferred to have gone somewhere else.”

“What do you think is a fair way to resolve this?”

Let them do the talking. Let them vent. Whatever you say is going to get shot down, even if they’re good ideas, so stick to mirroring until you feel a change of energy. Once they’re ready to think in terms of solutions, try to make the solution come out of them instead of you if you want their full support and approval.

Of course, if this keeps happening, you need to set some boundaries, emphasizing how that would also benefit them.

Example:

“When you’re calling me names (observation), it doesn’t make me feel good (feeling), as I have a need to be treated with kindness and respect (need). Could we try to stop name calling so that we can have more peaceful discussions to try and find a solution (request)?”

Our instinctual reaction to insults may not always be the response most conducive to cooperation and to finding a mutually beneficial solution. Hold your response, and apply questioning and labeling to deflect the energy back. Reconcile and connect after, and come back to your center. Know yourself and know your own worth to let these things glide off of you like water off a feather.

Because it was never about you. It was about what was needed.

When other people are stressing you out, you sometimes need to go from your needs straight into a request (’Negotiation’, as I call it in my 4-Pillars).

Here’s the story…

My partner was running an experiment in her lab the other day when she had some unexpected guests. She was too focused on her own work to deal with them, but their presence disturbed her experiment. What I believe she should have done is put down a boundary straight away and express a need followed by a request, using the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) method of:

1. Observation
2. Feeling
3. Need
4. Request

I would’ve approached it like this:

“Hey guys, I noticed that you’re both here without letting me know in advance (observation). That’s making me feel a little bit stressed out (feeling) because I have multiple experiments going on and I have a need for total concentration and control at this critical moment (need), so I would appreciate it if you could come back at another time in order for me to make sure that these experiments run according to my standards (request).”

I’m pretty sure that the message would be received with grace and understanding, because you made it about your needs, not their faults. You made a clear and simple request for them to follow up on without criticizing anybody.

It’s important to set clear boundaries for yourself and to do this as a habit consistently to make it part of your persona. If not, people will impose themselves onto you, often being unaware that they’re even doing so. It’s also going to lead to a lot of resentment and hurt, so it’s better to speak up which prevents any negative buildup.

My partner, as well, often worries about how the other person feels if addressed on their behavior, which is valid because if you criticize people they’re going to go on the defensive and this will lead to resentment, and begrudged cooperation at best. Instead, make it about your needs and make a simple request.

I think if you want to go a step further, I would also integrate their desires in your request. If you’ve done enough listening and reflecting in the relationship, you would have a sense of what that was. If you can somehow incorporate their wider interests in following your request, you’ve not only gained their cooperation but their full support.

…and for extra sweet bonus points, you may want to reconcile and connect. Show them you meant no hard feelings. Show them your appreciation for what they DO do and the importance of their contribution. Hug it out. Metaphorically if you find it too awkward.

In the end, it’s about expressing your needs and your values in a way that’s most conducive to understanding and cooperation. Don’t ignore your own feelings, because it’s going to lead to negative outcomes somewhere down the line. Once you’ve made a request, you’ve put the ball in their court, and from there, navigate between the 4-Pillars of Effective Communication to determine the best course of action.

Just remember: it starts with you.

One powerful lesson I’ve learned from my encounters with the local street dogs is this:

"If you're calm, they're calm."

On my daily commute to school, I often pass by dogs of questionable ownership. One in particular would always wait until the last moment to bark at us as we passed by. To me, it seemed futile, even pointless. At first, I reacted with frustration—sometimes anger, sometimes annoyance, even aggression. But no matter how I responded, the barking never stopped. In fact, the dog became even more reactive each time we crossed paths.

I began to reflect on my own behavior and state of mind. It was clear that the way I was handling the situation was getting me nowhere. If I wanted a peaceful encounter, I had to be the one to change.

One day, as the dog barked, I decided to try something different. I repeated the mantra, "I come in peace," as I passed by. And something surprising happened—it changed the way I felt about the situation. I realized the dog wasn’t out to harm me; it was just reacting in the way it thought it should, probably to protect its territory. As I calmed myself, the dog’s behavior changed too.

Over time, I noticed a pattern: the dog only barked when it was in front of its home, as if guarding its space. Away from its house, it barely paid us any attention. Understanding this eased my nerves, and with each passing, the intensity of the barking lessened. These days, it only barks occasionally, and does so with less gusto as it seems to recognize me and my, "I come in peace," mantra.

This experience didn’t just change how I interact with that particular dog—it transformed the way I respond to other street dogs as well.

Now, when a dog barks at me, I don’t react with fear or aggression. Instead, I dismount from my bicycle, approach with open hands and an open heart, and say, "Come here, let's talk." I move slowly, signaling no threat, and speak to them as if we’re equals. Most of the time, they seem confused, maybe even startled by the unfamiliar interaction. Usually, they kind of walk off with a look that seems to say, “No thanks, never mind.” Subsequent encounters with these dogs then usually don’t spark any kind of reaction.

What I’ve learned is this: peaceful interactions begin within. When we fill ourselves with calm and love, rather than fear or anger, we bring that energy into every interaction. It’s like carrying water to a fire, instead of more fuel.

Fill yourself with love, and share it freely. Peace starts within.

How do you deal with a stubborn 1st Grader who is adamant on not doing his homework? With love, discipline, and boundaries.

Coming back home from school the other day, we go into the usual ritual of putting away our things before an allowance of 30 minutes of television to wind down from the school day.

After TV time is up it’s time to do homework, but my son usually feels like having a snack so it’s what we do. Whilst I was sharpening some pencils for the homework we were about to do, he asked me for some milk which I responded to with something along the lines of, “Yeah, sure, just a second”.

Not long after, I hear, “Come on. What’s taking so long. Hurry up.”

I wasn’t having any of it.

I came back into the room empty handed and told him, “You can forget about the milk, because I don’t accept this kind of behavior from someone I’m doing a favor for.”

Now I could have probably done more listening and reflecting on my part, as I then tried to explain myself using the non-violent communication method saying, “When someone tells me to hurry up when I’m doing a service for them, it doesn’t make me feel good because I have a need for respect. Do you understand why I’m not getting you the milk now? Tell you what. If you apologize, I’ll forget about it, and go get you your milk.”

He didn’t apologize, and said nothing further.

After he finished his cookies, he just left without saying a word and started inventing things to do on the balcony.

I told him it was homework time and asked him what he was doing. He told me he didn’t feel like doing homework right now.

“Feel or no feel, it’s time to do homework,” I insisted.

He tried to get away but I grabbed him firmly by the arm and took him to his room. He tried to grab some Lego in his room to play with which I put back on the shelf and proceeded in putting all the Lego away and out of sight.

I told him, “You’re going to sit over there until we’re done. If you need help, let me know.”

He instead chose to sit on the floor and sulk, until that sulkiness turned into tears.

“What’s going on buddy?” No response.

“Is there something you need?” No response.

“Do you feel like I’ve been treating you unfairly?” Nods head in agreement.

“How would you like to be treated?” No response.

“What do you think is a better solution?” No response.

I get him some tissues because he was drooling all over the place. I saw he needed more, so I gave him the whole box.

Now instead of grabbing one tissue, he grabs the entire stack of what’s left in the box and wipes his face with it.

Now, from my point of view, he was obviously being provocative and I was an inch away from going ‘old school discipline’ on him, if you know what I mean. Instead, I grabbed the tissues from him, and walked away to center myself. I salvaged what tissues I could and threw the rest back to him.

I told him to figure out the homework by himself now, and that he could forget about any extra TV time today.

I sat in the corridor centering myself, thinking about what the best response would be coming from a place of love. I decided to go in the direction of reconciling and connecting, extending the proverbial olive branch. I figured he’d still want that milk from before, so I got him a cup and placed it in front of him. He eagerly drank it.

I kept an eye on him in the corridor and saw him lying down on the floor. I told him that if he wanted to lie down, it’s better to just lie in bed. So he did. He fell asleep soon after and slept for pretty much 13 hours straight, skipping dinner that day. It seemed like he definitely had some recovering to do, and it would explain the behavior, which is usually much more cooperative.

This story reflects that I am by no means perfect when it comes to dealing with these situations, but I do have the tools I need to fall back on. When I feel my emotions rising, I remember to center myself, which is always the first step. My initial reactions may not always be the best, but by navigating subsequent responses with care and consciousness, I can enact damage control, and make sure things don’t spiral out.

Pivoting between ‘listening and reflecting’ to ‘reconciling and connecting’ was also key. My questioning and labeling wasn’t completely futile, since it did make him feel understood (head nodding to ‘being treated unfairly’). However, I wasn’t getting enough of a response to be able to negotiate a solution. Instead of ‘taking in’ what he had to say, I decided to ‘give away’ my love and compassion through what started with the act of bringing him the milk.

It’s still really important to set your boundaries though, and ‘train’ people how to treat you. It’s vital that you do this for your own self respect: if you have a neat house, and someone messy comes into your house, you don’t all of a sudden allow your house to get messy. You communicate boundaries and emanate your neatness from the inside out.

Spread love, be disciplined, and set boundaries.