Gentle Coaching

Is getting up early and getting to bed earlier more healthy for us? Or do we each have a built in clock that we need to pay attention to?

Why Are Some Men Obsessed With Waking Up Super Early? Interrogating the cult of the early riser

What is family? Is it the people you are born to? Is it the people who adopt you and love you through those young years? Is it the siblings or half siblings you grow up with? Is it the friends you make who are really devoted to you? Is it the person you marry or dedicate your life to as a life partner? Is it the people who actually care and listen and are there for you on hard days? And are people no longer family when they say they can’t deal with you anymore? When they disagree with the very center of your beliefs or how you choose to live? Does divorce mean that you are no longer family to your in-laws? Does a child choosing one parent in a divorce mean that the other is no longer family? Many people love to use the term “Chosen Family” now, as sometimes the ones they are related to by blood may not wish to be in their lives but the ones who they “choose” may want to be.

What is family to you and what makes you feel included or loved in that family? What can we do better to make others feel like they are included in our family or have a place of belonging?

Names we call ourselves & others

I had quite an interesting conversation the other night with a group of guys who had gone out to dinner after our Sexaholics Anonymous (S.A.) meeting. One of my straight buddies was confused because I had called myself gay when in the past he had heard me refer to myself as bisexual. I explained to him that in my view the term gay broadly encompasses the first 3 names in LGBTQ or le***an, gay and bisexual. This conversation was very open because that's what we practice doing at S.A., to be vulnerable and frank with each other and communicate about touchy things. I love this group because gay or straight we all have a similar challenge to not let addiction to sexual things rule our lives! After I answered the first question another guy chimed in saying: "... well what's with the plus then? Why didn't you say that?" I replied by continuing on the theme I had already begun. "Well, Q***r is the accepted over-arching term for most in the LGBTQ community but it's one that I'm not comfortable with. Millennials seem comfortable with it I think because they've grown up reading psychological studies about our community and those studies were officially called "Q***r Studies," while to my generation the term q***r is fairly equal to the derogatory terms fa**ot or d**e. Both of which I would usually find very offensive." I also explained to him that the plus sign just means that there are other gender or sexuality identification terms that are just not covered by this common acronym. This seemed to satisfy his curiosity on the subject.

So what is in a name and why do we need to be careful about them or so gentle with those who define themselves in different terms that we may not always understand or even know exist? As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints this has been a hot topic lately as the man we revere as our prophet has asked us to no longer refer to ourselves as Mormons or Latter-day Saints. This is a shift in thinking that we have long grappled with as a church. In our early history of restoration the term Mormon came as a derogatory term from our enemies referring to our belief in the Book of Mormon as a book of scripture equal to our belief in the Bible, but over time the term became more soft to us and we became more accepting of it. I believe a similar thing is happening with millennials with the term "q***r" which still grates on an old guy like me ... but is acceptable to a younger person.

So, again, why do we need to be so careful about terms like this and their meanings in our current culture? First, I think we ourselves need to try harder to not be offended by what other people say who are not schooled in things that we believe and understand. I am not offended by someone else calling me a Mormon or a Latter-day Saint as my offense would serve no real purpose. I myself struggle to get away from these terms because they're much easier to say than: "a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,"

We often think: "what is in a name?" This brings to mind the famous Shakespeare line by Juliet: "What’s in a name? That which we call a rose / By Any Other Name would smell as sweet.” but I beg to differ with The Bard on this topic. My name, Rod, has always been a thing of pride and comfort for me, even when I was teased as a young man by a few boys who tried to use it as a derogatory term. I just never accepted those negative connotations, I think because I grew up with so many positive connotations for my name. Hot rod, "hold to the iron rod" from the Book of Mormon. A shepherds rod, a divining rod. Even the phrase: "spare the rod and spoil the child," was filled with the idea of power in the rod itself. So there were enough positive connotations to my name that I just never accepted the negative ones. However there are many names and terms that there are little or no positive connotations for. Even though in their own small closed culture those inside that group may joke about those terms together it can be wholly unacceptable for others to use those terms who are not true members of that category. To me the N-world is about as unacceptable as the F word, and yet I've heard some of my African-American friends call each other that in jest.

So I must conclude that Juliet iis wrong and that there is something to a name and especially to the names we call each other. I think It's good for us to be kind by being careful and to ask others what terms they feel comfortable with? I also think it's good for us to be apologetic about the fact that we don't always understand other people's meanings of various terms and to express our belief that -- different words -- mean different things -- to different people. Brené Brown is a good example of that to me. In her Ted talks she says that every time she looks up a term in the dictionary and isn't pleased with it ... she makes up her own definition that she thinks fits her beliefs better. I know you "Blues" in the color code are freaking out by this concept as you are more prone to be rule keepers to those who appear to be in authority, but to a "Red" this makes absolute sense. I think we just need to be more flexible and realize that whoever was hired by Webster to write that particular definition isn't necessarily the end-all in how people should feel about that term or the life experiences of each individual or opinion of that term or category.

In the end I believe that there is a lot in a name or a term that people define themselves by. So let's be kinder and gentler and ask more questions and take less offense like the good open dialogue that I had with my friends at the Burger Boys the other night! Communication taken gently can always lead to better understanding.

© Rod Mortensen
1/1/2020