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Question of the month: June

What was the "worst" and "best" piece of advice your mother (or someone else) ever gave you about being the best woman you can be?

The "worst" piece of advice I ever received about being a woman came from my mother. WARNING: This is sensitive material. This is quite personal, and it is also honest and something I am willing to share with you. If there is even one person out there who can relate to it and this post can console or help someone, then it is worth sharing.

I was married to someone that I had two children with. It was not a good relationship. He was very abusive and controlling. I was employed when we first were married and had my own income, but by the time things started getting really bad, I was no longer employed. I began having seizures one day in the middle of summer while watching a movie with my children and mother, who stayed with me then. (She was kicked out of her previous residence, so I moved her in with me.)

My husband had purchased a home. This was quite a large older home with two separate levels to it with separate entrances and one entrance to the second floor from inside the first level. The first floor had plenty of room for myself, my mother, and my children. The second floor contained an entire apartment (in-law courters). My then-husband lived on the second floor while the rest of us remained on the first floor.

We were divorced then; however, I could not afford to go elsewhere, nor would he allow such a thing even though we were divorced. I paid my way to be there. This was not just a completely free roof over our heads. I was receiving disability (due to uncontrolled seizures), so rent was paid, and I provided for our children. At first, things went okay, and he left us alone for the most part. Moving my mother in and helping her out would also help me, as I thought her presence would be a deterrent that would keep him away. (Abusers don't like witnesses who can side with their victims and remove their control over them.) I could not have been more wrong.

He charged my mother rent. An extremely small amount to cover her usage of utilities. The rent she was paying needed to be more as she didn't work and so was always home. She consistently had some sort of electronic, extra heater, ac running on high, electrical power-sucking device running despite politely asking her to conserve within reason whenever she could.

My ex-husband asked her for more money, but it was still insufficient to cover her usage. He gave 8 months of notice about the increased rent he needed from her. He informed me, as she was my mother, that "I" needed to make up the difference. I had no idea why he didn't ask her for more money, as she could comfortably afford what was needed to cover her expenses. I soon found out the answer...

He wanted more power and control over me and to make sure my confidence and self-worth were so low that I would not go looking for anyone else. I always seemed stronger when I was with someone else, someone unlike him. Every single weekend after my children were asleep, I had to go up to his apartment and allow him to have his way with me. I literally just laid there every time, trying to focus on whatever was on the television. Anything to distract my mind from what was happening. It was a hell I will never get out of my mind. It will forever be a part of me.

When I went to speak with my mother about it to figure out something we could do so that I didn't have to pay this additional "rent" to keep a roof over all of our heads, her advice to me was, " With men, you just have to do what you have to do. That is just part of being a woman." Though I know this advice was total crap, she isn't entirely wrong. Obviously, not to the extent of my situation; however, I can't remember a single relationship where I wasn't having to do things above and beyond for the man I was with and did not receive the same in return.