Marriage You Want

Everywhere we turn in our culture we see ideal true love characterized by neediness. I bought into it 100%. I believed that, “You complete me” was the deepest of romantic expressions. This belief was foundational in my dating and early marriage.

And then one day I realized that this framing was not working. We were both kind of miserable and neither of us knew why. I had heard words like codependent and enmeshed but I didn’t really understand what they meant and I had no vision of an alternative. 

This book by Shel Silverstein, “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O” gently challenged my assumptions about a good marriage. Maybe stretching individually didn't need to feel like a threat to our relationship. Maybe growing in our love didn’t mean increasing our need for each other as much as our desire for each other. I hadn’t known that there was a difference.

Once I saw it, though, I longed to try for this different way. I liked that this model emphasized that doing our hard personal work was critical to the longevity of our marriage. The good of the individual wasn't just nice, but critical to the good of the couple.

Making the shift has not always felt good. It’s been downright painful and confusing sometimes. But it’s also been expansive and liberating and solid.

Now we both work hard at developing ourselves and choose to “roll” together as witness to each other’s beautiful and messy lives. We are each responsible for our own happiness and growth and deeply grateful for each other’s company, love, support and perspective as we build a life together.