For Immediate Occupancy

For rent: 3 bedroom, 1 "bedroom," 1 bath. Never involved in a collision. hard wood floors if you must know. Perfect for someone with recent bariatric surgery. Nice neighborhood, HORSE FREE. Off street windows available. Reverse toilets standard. Walking distance to anything technically, depending on how long you're willing to spend. Concierge service at nearby hotel for registered hotel guests.

For rent: rental sign. Reads "for rent." Free I guess. It's basically impossible to advertise this thing through signage.

For rent: gun. No questions asked. Must be fired before return.

Lease to own: split-level colonial 4 bedrooms 1 bath. Empty until you arrive. I'm waiting when you get here, just like we're all waiting on the inside. You turn to walk away but its all theatre, all theatre. You look at me questioningly for a time and then your gaze grows steady and assured. There's a sadness to you. "You know Marilyn Monroe would be 96 now" you remark. "Maybe its better this way," you say chucking but your tone betrays you. There is no better, there is no worse. There's only motion; light and motion converging together as time. I'm all out of time. I carry you out into the sea to wash you. Your skin flakes defeatedly in my hand. The tide comes in. I give you a bath. I give you a bath. I give you a bath. We both regret. The aching stops and then starts again. Walking distance to train. Off street parking available.

For rent: $300. Cash currency in convenient denominations. Useful for acquiring goods and services. $315. Oh wait that's a bank. Yeah, we're a bank.

For rent: small house in impossibly quiet neighborhood, two bedrooms per month (not consecutive), pets ok unless provoked. hard HARD wood floors, wall to wall ceilings, owner occupied (supposedly), fully Y2K compliant, call now.

For rent: large studio efficiency. No bedrooms, 2 baths (M & F), 10 booths, 8 tables, maximum occupancy 86; kitchen configured for expedited tex-mex cuisine. Ample parking.

For rent: 2br 1 bath. Second story walk up in crown heights. $1700/m, 1.5 mo security required at signing. Spacious living room, kitchenette, small balcony. Off street parking available for 1 spot, additional passes available for added fee. No smoking, pets ok. Not available.

For sale: beautiful family home, 4bdr, 2b, good location, short walk to school and grocery store, ample shade from old growth oak trees, hardwood floors, brand new appliances. House currently on fire. Call soon!

House for sale: compact starter home, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, walk-in abattoir; owner missing since The Event. Do not answer the doorbell. The asking price does not apply to currencies from this millennium.

Apartment for rent: 10 and a half bathrooms, no bedrooms. Pets ok after 6. Symmetrically located. Kid-friendly, in an appropriate way.

For rent: seasonal vacation home, great for couples and families, mediocre for lonesome losers such as yourself. Short walk to the beach when accompanied by someone who cares deeply about you; grueling, interminable death march for those unburdened by the love of another. Two-car garage perfect for two cars, excessive for only one. King-size bed in the master bedroom. That's a full 76" by 80" of surface, of which you'd cover, what, a third? Especially when you curl up into a sad little ball the way you always do whenever you're the slightest bit introspective. That's all you are – a sad little ball that nobody wants to play with. $400/wk