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The Double Empathy Problem and How It Impacts Autistic/Neurotypical (AS/NT) Relationships

Part 3: Applying The Platinum Rule

So if both autistic and Neurotypical people have empathy and empathy is not enough to navigate a relationship between these two, what DOES work?

There is a new deeper level of empathy required. The autistic and NT partners need to truly listen to each other and communicate their feelings and needs carefully. They can not assume that their partner will immediately “read between the lines” and understand them. They must patiently apply The Platinum Rule.

So what is The Platinum Rule? We all learn The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, as children. But The Platinum Rule is rarely taught. It dictates: “Do unto others as the other wants done unto them”. Which means, DON’T guess based on your own experiences. Listen, watch, and learn what your partner wants, needs, and loves.

Honestly, this is a good rule of thumb for any family, friend, or intimate relationship, but it is especially important when people’s brains are wired differently. And this is the most important part, BOTH partners have to focus on learning their partner and applying The Platinum Rule. A change in one partner won’t create true understanding or intimacy.

You are now armed with The Platinum Rule and know the best tool available to you to defeat The Double Empathy Problem.

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The Double Empathy Problem and How It Impacts Autistic/Neurotypical (AS/NT) Relationships

Part 1: What is Empathy and When Does It Fail?

The theory known as the Double Empathy Problem was coined by Dr. Damian Milton to explain a phenomenon that has long plagued AS/NT relationships. For decades, doctors and therapists have theorized that autistic people were simply incapable of experiencing empathy for others. Milton, however, captured a far more profound truth, which is that autistic and NT people lack empathy for each other, based on alternate states of mind, experiences, and points of view.

To simplify, people tend to refer to having empathy as, “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes”. This sounds sensitive and profound, but careful consideration shows the limitations of this level of empathy. It is still my feet in your Keds, after all. Considering how I would feel in your situation does not necessarily tell me how YOU feel about it. Knowing how I would react in your position won’t always predict your reaction.

Our beings, lives, and circumstances could be very different, which will give us different instincts, histories, interpretations, experiences, and reactions. You might be a different gender, economic class, ethnicity, or race than me. We may practice different religions. We may have different cultural experiences.

And, even more profoundly, our brains may be wired differently.

Time and time again, autistic people have proven themselves to be capable of GREAT empathy........for other autistic people. We tend to be able to pick out other autistic people in crowds, to know when other autistic people are uncomfortable, and to intuit how to respond to this discomfort. Sometimes the best caregiver for an autistic person.

And NTs are often renowned for their empathy, especially towards each other. They tend to know how to meet each other’s needs and comfort each other’s pain.

So if both autistic and NT people have empathy and are making an effort, what creates the Double Empathy Problem?

Look for Part 2: The Double Empathy Problem In Action