Codependent Life

Looking back over how I have lived my life I can see how I allowed other people to use emotional blackmail to manipulate me. Insecurity and fear made me jump through hoops to accommodate the demands of others. What if they got angry, punished me, rejected me, ignored me......

My alcoholic was not worried about the ramifications of his behavior because he had me to worry for both of us. He did not have to worry about the consequences for his unacceptable behavior because I ran interference for his consequences. At one time I would do whatever was necessary to avoid his disappoint or anger, because he felt, and I felt, I was responsible for his bad choices.

As I began to understand where the boundaries were between his life and mine things began to change between us. When I no longer accepted responsibility for his bad choices he tried to manipulate me by trying to make me feel guilty for abandoning him and sometimes it worked.

I allowed, what I thought other people's opinion of me, to run my life. I even based my own opinion of myself on what I thought others thought of me. And, that fear of rejection or condemnation from others made me a certified card carrying codependent.

Retraining my thoughts has been a struggle off and on through my recovery journey. My sponsor said to me that feelings were not facts. Extract the feelings and look at the facts as though they were happening to someone else. That little exercise helped me many times to overcome my denial and justifications. It was easy to live in denial was because for me to acknowledge my reality meant that I would have to change. I'm not talking about changing my circumstances but changing my approach to my life and that scared me.

Looking at myself through the steps has released me from the burden of being responsible for other people's actions and of their opinion of me as well. No one out there can give me self respect. I have learned that in the end the only opinion that really matters is the one that I have of myself.

When I looked down at the mess that was our life I was overwhelmed trying to figure it all out. I was confused. Part of me wanted my alcoholic to be okay and the other part of me wished terrible things on him. I hated him and loved him. I fantasied about being free and at the same time I desperately tried to hold onto my marriage.
As his alcoholism progress it was no longer possible to hide it from our friends and family. I began to dread social events and family gatherings. He did not get loud obnoxious he got sloppy. Spilling things, dropping things, stumbling and slurring his words. If I tried to push him to do something, like leave, then he would dig in and things definitely when down hill fast. I started dreading the “next time.” This ticked me off so bad and made me resentful. Why did my good time have to be destroyed or missed all together? Why couldn’t he just drink normally or not drink at all?
I wanted him to change so that we could have a normal life. Believe me, I tried everything to make him do what I thought needed to be done. I was nice, I was mean. I begged, pleaded and threatened. Nothing worked. My resentments grew. I was angry. I projected into the future and did not like what I saw. I cried and cried some more.
But he wasn’t the only person I was mad at. I was mad at myself because, for reasons I could not explain, I just could not leave him. I wanted too. I really wanted too. But I wanted someone else to make the decision for me. I was drowning. That is when I knew I desperately needed help. I really did not want to go to those recovery meetings but I had nowhere else to go. I had exhausted all of my family and friends. Everybody had advice and an opinion. No one walked in my shoes they did not understand.
When I first started going to recovery meetings I wanted to talk about him and the things that he did. They told me that this meeting was for and about me and they kept me focused on me and what was going on with me. They told me that I could be happy whether he was drinking or not and I almost walked out. They did not tell me to leave him and they did not tell me to stay. In fact they advised me not to make any major decisions (unless I was in danger) until I had an opportunity to get a little recovery under my belt. But the thing that stood out the most to me is that really did understand what my life was like. They did not judge me and they did not judge my alcoholic.
There is a Chinese Proverb that says, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” I went to a meeting. That was the first step. They told me that this was a one day at a time program and gave me the following little slogan to help me get from one day to the next - “Just for today, I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime (unknown author)
Breaking things down to a manageable size and living one day at a time is exactly how I began my journey of a thousand miles. I thank God everyday for helping me to find my recovery program. Because, as I grew, healed and changed, I was more in control of my life and I found a peace I never even knew was possible.

Technology has transformed how we live out life. We have come to expect instant, or at least a quick and easy way of doing things. Microwaves, online banking and shopping, frozen prepared dinners just to name a few. But there are some things in life that cannot be rushed. It still takes 7 to 9 months for a baby to grow and develop enough in the womb to have the best opportunity to be able to grow and survived outside the womb; an acorn does not become an oak tree overnight.

We didn’t get sick over night and recovery doesn’t happen over night either. For those of us with addiction issues, the addiction part of our recovery happens pretty quick when we surrender. Even though we have given up our addiction, we still have to learn or relearn how to live in the real world without our artificial crutch. Regardless of our hurt, habit or hang-up, all of us we want healing yesterday. But recovery is not instant, not even an overnight transformation, it is a process that takes time. It takes time to understand how we got to this point of desperation in out life, and even when we begin to understand, it still takes time to retrain automatic reflexes too past hurts.

But, regardless of how we try to manage things in our life, we can only live One Day At A Time. One Day At A Time is just reminding us to break things down into manageable pieces. One Day At A Time we practice the Steps and God’s Word in all our affairs. Living One Day At A Time without positive change in our life is of no value. It is possible for a person to live miserable One Day At A Time for the rest of their life. But for those of us in recovery living One Day At A Time by it’s self is not enough. It is the total recovery package of peace, joy and happiness that transforms our life into the life God planned for us in the first place.

There is a One Day At A Time quote that says Just For Today “I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a life time.”

We can agonize over the past all we want too. We can live in perpetual fear of what is going to happen in the future, but no matter what, we do not have the ability to be transported back in time to change things in our past. All of the would have’s, should have’s, could have’s don’t mean a hill of beans; What was done in the past is history to us now. At the same time not one-second of worry will change or ensure that the future will turn out the way we want it to turn out.

We only have this one day that is available to us right now. We may not even have a tomorrow. Therefore, what we do this day, this moment in time has great significance. We do what we can do today and then take care of tomorrow - tomorrow. It is not that we should not plan for tomorrow, of course we should plan for tomorrow, as long as we realized that the results were up to God.