In Progress

“Reliving the trauma over and over again, is like… living it over and over again.” Retired SGT Major, Tom Satterly.

Trauma is such a unique thing that no one talks about. As warriors, protectors, soldiers, officers, firemen, we flip the switch and complete the mission. No matter the missions’ difficulties we adapt, grit, vomit, kill, and move on to overcome the barrier of the mission. These things change us internally. We literally kill off part of who we are to complete the job at hand. Its exciting in the moments, exhilarating in fact… which leads to the addiction of adrenaline. Often, at the cost of our own lives.

22 a day. 22 combat veterans a day die by su***de. According to the CDC, “Law enforcement officers and firefighters are more likely to die by su***de than in the line of duty. Furthermore, EMS providers are 1.39 times more likely to die by su***de than the public. Studies have found that between 17% and 24% of public safety telecommunicators have symptoms of post-traumatic stress and 24% have symptoms of depression. While telecommunicators are often the very first responders engaged with those on scene, research on their su***de risk and mental health has lagged.”

These are staggering numbers. When do we take this seriously?

Who bears the front of this? Our spouses and our children. While it is heart wrenching to have a loved one die in the line of duty, or die in war, or in an accident. The human mind can eventually, over time, begin to heal from loss, though extremely difficult. To have that same loved one complete the call, return from deployment, or live through the accident, what damage was done while there? Then that damage brings shame, guilt, and anxiety few understand but many go through. If this damage goes unresolved and that loved one takes their life, there is no pain to compare to the bottom of that pit for those closest to the one.

Unresolved post trauma stress is like a big colorful children’s book, the ones with the sound buttons on the side and the big red steering wheel with the yellow squeaky button for a horn. The human brain is like the perfect encyclopedia bookcase. All books in order A-Z, everything has its place, except that kid’s book. It’s too big, does not match, and no matter how hard you try, you cannot shelve the awkward book. What do you do with the book? It ends up in your hand all the time, or in this case in your conscious mind, on loop.

This produces terror, anger, contention, confusion, brain fog, lack of empathy and compassion. All this is because we just do not know what to do with this book. And that is normal. The trauma isn’t normal, the lack of knowledge of what to do with it is.

While we do not know what to do with this trauma our kids and spouses are caught in the middle of these internal emotions we are having. They don’t understand why daddy or mommy is the way they are, they were fine before that shift, that call, or that deployment. Kids ask, “Why are they so angry now?” Or We loved the old daddy more. Spouses, “I just want my husband/wife back.”

As the person dealing with that trauma, you are aware of your actions but don’t know how to fix it. You see the pain you are causing the ones you love and then shame, and guilt begins setting in. Thoughts of self-harm, and inadequacy move in… they are better off without me. Trauma attracts more trauma if we allow it. Only the person who has endured the trauma can accept the help to resolve the missed placed book.

“I just wanted to be angry. And she took me down the path of showing me who I was in a mirror. Something I had never done before, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how I was behaving to people that… people I love, people I’m supposed to protect, but I’m the monster. So, I can protect her from everybody but me. Who lives with her the most, and knows her every weakness, and uses it against her… yet I am here to protect her. So many go through that. So many enter that shame cycle. By saying something or by physically doing something, and “I’m sorry” isn’t good enough anymore. Then the cycle starts of, I’m no good, I’m worthless, I should just take my life, you know this and that. But Jen had that… patience, I don’t think she had the knowledge of what to do with it, but she had the patience and the love of a person who understood trauma, and just stuck with it. She shouldn’t have, she shouldn’t have, but she did.” – Ret. SGT Major Tom Satterly

See our spouses are uniquely qualified to help us. Point out in us the things we need to work on. It’s up to us, as those who have been through trauma, to seek help. You are lashing out on them, your safe place, your family, and that is just inducing trauma onto them. We must seek, speak, and let out, in a controlled and safe place, the traumas we have been through, seen, and endured. Without getting it out, reading that child’s book out loud, memorizing it, and coming to a place of understanding with yourself about the triggers, we are subjects to the statistics.

Seek the help! You are worth it!

-Harrison

Full interview: https://youtu.be/qnep1hTSKKw?si=98-pu61SoQwaMXhk