New Perspective Therapy LLC

• .trauma.educator
An aloof parent is the one we find existing against the backdrop of our childhood who didn’t really stand out.⁣
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For years we might perceive them as the ‘good’ parent compared to the more intrusive, controlling, or abusive parent. ⁣
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Aloof parents tend to under-function, especially when it comes to raising their children, don’t show real interest in the child’s life, or play with them, might miss school performances or graduations, and aren’t engaged in meaningful ways. ⁣
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They might have a hard time saying ‘no’ and offering necessary structure to the child’s life. Because of that, they might seem ‘very nice’ to those around them, but in reality, their niceness is neglect (with or without intent).  ⁣

A parent can be passive and aloof for several reasons such as:⁣
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Living in a chronic state of depression (often undiagnosed) ⁣
Substance dependencies as coping strategies⁣
Narcissistic tendencies where the parent isn’t interested in the child because they don’t feel they’re benefitting from them ⁣
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Passive and aloof parents are often ‘stuck’ in the freeze or fawn response, which is why they are disconnected and/or try to appease their partner or their children.⁣
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Being raised by an aloof and passive parent can be especially disorienting because the harm is there but it can be hard to find and name it. ⁣

It also points to the presence of intergenerational trauma.
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Healing this wound is possible and it starts with no longer minimising it. ⁣
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Naming what didn’t happen for us that should have happened and grieving for what we didn’t receive but needed are important steps. ⁣
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It’s about finally honouring our experience.

Have you had this experience? I’d love your thoughts on this post.

💜🦋

Yes, you did! You are resilient 💙

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It’s actually the lack of clinginess thats the problem. ⁣
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People are being labeled clingy by someone who is avoidant and/ordistant….⁣
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Culturally we have become increasingly avoidant, paranoid, and anxious. We’ve discouraged people from getting into relationships for the “wrong” reasons. We encourage independence over dependance. We shame codependence. It’s an actual mess. ⁣
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The reality is - any relationship - in order to flourish and involve a deeper type of intimacy - requires that both people cling. ⁣
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It requires that both people communicate - often. Schedule time to spend together - often. If it’s a s*xual or romantic relationship - it may require physical connection (affection and s*x) - often. ⁣
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All relationships require consistence, constancy, and mutuality. THIS IS CLINGINESS! ⁣
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So cling to people. If you like them. See them often. Tell them often. This is how relationships start. NOT from a chase. NOT from a wildly uncomfortable imbalance. ⁣
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So put in effort. ⁣
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Cling. It’s a part of intimacy. ⁣
To cling. To hold on to. ⁣
It’s a part of love. ⁣
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Pause and reflect about what I’m really saying before going to the extreme.⁣
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If someone is anxious and dysregulated and it leads them to violate your boundaries that means they’re struggling with anxiety. Don’t focus on the behavior and label anyone clingy because they’re anxious. Maybe we could be more curious about why people do things as opposed to coming up with bs words to express contempt and shame people for how they can easily become triggered.⁣