Messing With Telemarketers
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How it all began:
So once upon a time...
I had a night job. It wasn't a bad night job really and it led to the amazingly awesome job I currently have... but it was a night job. Night jobs, no matter if you like them or not, suck. Your schedule is different then everyone else's. You have to try and sleep while a burning orb of gas insists on lighting up the world. You end up watching really bad T
For those of you wanting Dr. Who content I provide the following:
Messing with Telemarketers: Please Leave a Message-
*Ring*
Me: Hello?
*A few seconds of silence*
Me: Hello?
*A short series of clicks*
Recorded Voice with a thick Indian Accent: You have reached the desk of Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message and your phone number after the tone.
Me: Huh, that’s strange.
*Hangs up*
*Redials number*
Them: Hello this is David with [A Collection Company]. Can I please speak to William Hartnell please?
Me: There is no one here by that name.
Them: Ok, can you please give me the number you are calling from?
Me: (972) 897-6201
Them: And your name?
Me: Haven Riney
Them: No that is not correct.
Me: My name isn’t Haven Riney?
Them: No sir. I show it as William Hartnell.
Me: Strange… I’ve been Haven Riney since the late 1970’s.
Them: Perhaps he was the previous owner of the phone?
Me: I’ve had this same number for over a decade. Wait… wasn’t William Hartnell the guy that played the first doctor?
Them: So, you do know Mr. Hartnell!
Me: No, I’m saying I think I know his work. I also think he died before I was born.
Them: Let me connect you to his account manager Ronald and you can work through this with him.
Me: There isn’t anything to work through. You are looking for a Time Lord who died before I was born. Just put my number on your do not call list please.
Them: Ronald can help you further. Please hold.
Me: Why can’t you just… *click* dammit…
*30 seconds later*
Recorded voice: You have reached the desk of Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message and your phone number after the tone.
Me: Hello Ronald. This is Haven Riney at (972) 897-6201. You are calling looking for someone that doesn’t own this phone or live at this address.
Please remove me from your lists. Thank you.
*click*
20 Minutes Later:
*Ring*
Me: Hello?
*A few seconds of silence*
Me: Hello?
*A short series of clicks*
Recorded Voice with a thick Indian Accent: You have reached the desk of Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message and your phone number after the tone.
Me: Not again… Ronald… Haven Riney… Mr. Hartnell still doesn’t live here. Please remove my number from your list.
*click*
25 Minutes Later
*Ring*
Me: Hello?
*A few seconds of silence*
Me: Ronald? Are you stalking me?
*A short series of clicks*
Recorded Voice with a thick Indian Accent: You have reached the desk of Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message and your phone number after the tone.
Me: Ronald… Mr. Hartnell regenerated into Patrick Troughton after defeating the Cybermen at the Antarctic Station. I’d suggest you reach Mr. Troughton, but he regenerated into Jon Pertwee after some issues with the Time Lords. Mr. Pertwee is similarly unavailable due to a bite from a poison spider turned him into Tom Baker. I suggest attempting to contact Mr. Baker.
*click*
15 Minutes Later
*Ring*
Me: Hello?
*A few seconds of silence*
Me: Ronald? Do I need a restraining order?
*A short series of clicks*
Recorded Voice with a thick Indian Accent: You have reached the desk of Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message and your phone number after the tone.
Me (singing): I always feel like somebody’s watching me! And I have no privacy! Whoa! I always feel like somebody’s watching me! Tell me is it just a dream?
*click*
30 Minutes Later
*Ring*
Me: Hello?
*A few seconds of silence*
Me: SAY CLICK AGAIN!!! SAY CLICK ONE MORE TIME!!! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU!!!
*A short series of clicks*
Recorded Voice with a thick Indian Accent: You have reached the desk of
Ronald Webster with [A Collection Company]. Please leave a message
and your phone number after the tone.
Me: There’s this passage I have memorized Ronald. Ezekiel 25:17… The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.
I been saying that s**t for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass Ron. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded s**t to say to a mo********er before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some s**t this morning made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking, maybe it means you're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man, and Mr. 9-millimeter here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that s**t ain't the truth. The truth is, you're the weak, and I am the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, Ronald... I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd.
*click*
2 Hours Later
*Ring*
Me: Hello?
Ronald: Hello? Mr. Haven?
Me: Ronald?
Ronald: Yes Mr. Haven. I have your number by mistake. Please stop leaving me messages, ok?
Me: Ron, I don’t call you. You guys call me, and I get your voicemail as soon as I pick up.
Ronald: I fix this right now. No more messages please, ok?
Me: As long as you don’t call me, I won’t continue to mess with you.
Ronald: Yes, sir. Will be fixed presently.
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