GRIEF Bridge Support

LETTING GO OF A CHILD’S BELONGINGS

There is nothing “simple” about letting go of a child’s belongings.

Please be aware: What you’re asking a bereaved parent to give away matters more than you know.

Because you see a room…they see their child.

You may think that if they remove the child’s belongings, they will move through grief more quickly.

But the truth is—these things often become their lifeline. They are proof their child existed. They can bring comfort through what researchers call continuing bonds—an ongoing connection of love.

This is not just stuff—this is connection.

⸻

There is a moment many people do not see.

It comes after the funeral.
After the casseroles stop.
After the world has quietly moved on.

It is the moment a bereaved parent is left standing in a bedroom… surrounded by everything their child touched, loved, wore, and left behind.

And then come the well-meaning, yet often unrealistic expectations—spoken or unspoken—through pressure:

“You should donate their clothes.”
“It’s time to move on.”

But what people often fail to understand is this:

Going through a child’s belongings is not simply a task… it is a profound secondary loss.

Every shirt still holds their scent.
Every notebook carries their handwriting.
Every object whispers, “I was here.”

These are not just items.

They are evidence of a life.
They are anchors to memory.
They are often the only physical connection a parent has left.

I know a mother who could not throw away her child’s medicine bottles—because her child’s name was still printed on the label.

Some may not understand that.

But research does.

Studies show that bereaved parents commonly keep their child’s belongings as a way to maintain connection. These objects are not signs of being “stuck.” They are part of how the heart and mind process deep loss.¹

In one study, nearly all bereaved mothers kept meaningful items connected to their child and returned to them regularly. Other research shows many parents keep bedrooms, clothing, school papers, and personal belongings because these items bring comfort and a sense of closeness.²³

This is not abnormal.

This is grief.

This is love trying to find somewhere to go.

And when others rush a parent to clear a room or give things away, they may unknowingly create regret—because once those items are gone, they are gone forever.⁴

The truth is, there is no reason to make a hasty decision to get rid of a child’s belongings. Let the bereaved parent follow their heart, if they keep them for a year or ten years, it is important they are not rushed.

So instead of asking,
“Why are you holding on?”

Maybe you should gently say,
“Take all the time you need.”

Because for a bereaved parent,
letting go of their child’s belongings
can feel like letting go of their child… all over again.

💜
Dr. Cali Anderson
Bereaved Mother
Bereaved Parents Advocate
Grief Educator
Founder, Grief Bridge

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Footnotes (Chicago Style)
1. R. D. Goldstein et al., “Transitional Objects of Grief,” Journal of Pain and Symptom Management 60, no. 3 (2020): e1–e6.
2. T. L. Foster et al., “Changes in Siblings after the Death of a Child from Cancer,” Cancer Nursing 35, no. 5 (2012): 347–354.
3. Y. Xu et al., “Bereaved Parents’ Perceptions of Memory Making: A Qualitative Meta-Synthesis,” BMC Palliative Care 23 (2024).
4. C. Love et al., “Bereaved Parent Perspectives and Recommendations on Best Practices in Legacy-Building Activities,” Journal of Pain and Symptom Management 63, no. 5 (2022): e421–e431.

KINDNESS IS FREE — AND GOOD FRIENDS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH!
(Reposted from 2020)

I always told my children, “Be careful how you choose your friends, because friends are like elevators — they can take you up or they can take you down.”

I do not remember where I first heard that statement, but I have discovered over the years how very true it is.

This morning, as I sat quietly reflecting on that thought, I remembered an article I once read written by the staff at the Mayo Clinic. I decided to look it up again.

The title read:

“Friendships: Enrich Your Life and Improve Your Health.”

How true this is—especially for a broken heart.
Friendships can have a profound impact on our health and overall well-being.

Here is a portion of what they shared.

Discover the Connection Between Health and Friendship

Mayo Clinic Staff

What are the benefits of friendships?

Good friends are good for your health.
(I love that!)

Friends can help you celebrate the good times and provide support during the difficult ones.

Friends help prevent loneliness.

Friends increase your sense of belonging and purpose.

Friends boost happiness and help reduce stress.

Friends improve self-confidence and self-worth.

Friends help you cope with trauma such as divorce, serious illness, or the death of a loved one.

Friends encourage you to change unhealthy habits or avoid destructive behaviors.

To have a good friend is truly a blessing.

Friends also play a significant role in promoting overall health. Adults with supportive friendships often experience a reduced risk of many health problems, including depression, high blood pressure, and unhealthy body mass index (BMI).

Some studies have even found that people with strong, supportive friendships tend to live longer than those with fewer social connections.

💜

A Personal Reflection

Bereaved parents often experience a shift in their friendships after the death of a child.

Some friends quietly disappear because they do not know how to remain present in the discomfort of grief. Others step forward with extraordinary compassion—offering encouragement, listening ears, and gentle understanding.

Often, those who walk most closely beside a grieving parent are the ones who have traveled a similar road themselves. They understand without explanation. They know the language of grief.

And their words matter.

Because words have great power.

As I searched the Scriptures on the subject of kindness, I found more than one hundred passages that speak directly about the importance of kind and gracious speech. I want to share several of them with you today, because our world can always use a little more kindness.

Scripture reminds us:

“Life and death are in the power of the tongue.”
— Book of Proverbs 18:21

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”
— Book of Proverbs 16:24

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
— Book of Proverbs 15:1

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
(Ephesians 4:29)

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”
(1 Thessalonians 5:11)

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” (Colossians 4:6)

“Your words have upheld him who was stumbling, and you have made firm the feeble knees.” (Job 4:4)

“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” (Proverbs 25:11)

“To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!” (Proverbs 15:23)

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14)

“Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.” (Colossians 3:12)

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast;
it is not arrogant.” (1 Corinthians 13:4)

“But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.” (1 Peter 3:15)

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
(Proverbs 12:18)

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4)

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

“I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, (Matthew 12:36)

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.” (Galatians 5:22)

“Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.” (Proverbs 12:25)

“But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.” (Like 6:35)

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” (Proverbs 31:26)

All very wise words, indeed!

Titus 2:7
“Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity..”

I pray your day is filled with kindness!

Dr. Cali
Bereaved Mother
Bereaved Parents Advocate
Compassionate Friend

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