Ron R Wilkinson, PhD, PC

I recently updated my contact information. Just to insure that the new info is out there, I am posting it here as well.

NEW PHONE: 214.282.5206

EMAIL: [email protected]

CATASTROPHIZING. Catastrophes can and do happen. Just pay attention to the news and you will hear of multiple, genuine catastrophes that have happened somewhere in the world often all in the same day. Catastrophizing though is a form of cognitive distortion employed by people who tend to "think the worst"---at least when it comes to their own lives. It involves thinking the worst will happen out of something that to most seems small or otherwise manageable. It can be triggered by the most innocuous of comments or events. This tendency often develops early in life in our formative years (i.e., childhood). Children who get in trouble due to their own misbehavior rarely develop the tendency to catastrophize. They know essentially that if I am behaving well, all is well. In contrast, some children get yelled at, punished, or abused because of a parent's bad mood. In such cases, there is no predictability. I behave and I get into trouble. i misbehave and I get in to trouble. I misbehave and I don't get into trouble. When a child cannot predict, that child starts to worry. That then sometimes carrys over into adulthood. EXAMPLE: You send someone an email. They don't respond at first, though they often do. You start to wonder. Has something happened? You send a follow-up email. They reply with "Busy. Can't talk". This person often has more to say, it seems. You start thinking that they might actually be upset with you for bothering them at work, or maybe upset about something you said last week. Your worry builds. You start to think the worst. And you do for a couple of days. Then, you finally hear from your friend who tells you how incredibly busy they have been and are in fact sorry for being unavailable earlier.
Some of you will read this and think that this scenario is ridiculous. But, some of you will read it and think "I do that. That's me. Omg!!" Granted, it rarely happens this simplictically. But, you and a boyfriend or girlfriend might be at odds with each other and you start thinking that not only will they leave you but that you will never, ever, have another partner again, and you will be old and miserable, and alone.
Now, everyone probably does this sometimes. Mental health is not based on never doing or thinking anything. Mental health is based on patterns that exist. REMEDY: You have to first realize that you do this. Then, you have to begin an effort to catch yourself as you do it. As you get good at catching yourself, you can then begin to engage in more realistic self-talk. I dont mean that you should be positive, as in "A break up will never happen". Being realistic might mean " If a break-up happens, I will be sad and lonely for a while, but will still have my friends and will eventually start dating again".
How to determine what is being realistic? I often say, "the truth is in the past". In other words, while anything can happen, what will likely happen is what has tended to happen in the past. That's what "history repeats itself" and "we should learn from history" means. If we learn from our own histories, we usually have more reason to be calm and confident than fearful. Should we be prepared for the worst? Of course. But, preparing for and predicting are two very different things.
IF YOUR EFFORT TO STOP YOUR TENDENCY TO CATASTROPHIZE DOES NOT WORK AS WELL AS YOU WANT, PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL TO SET AN APPOINTMENT. It would be my pleasure to help you resolve this most painful, agonizing pattern. If you are fortunate to not have this crippling tendency, good for you. SHARE THIS POST as someone you know and love probably does.

TRIANGULATION. In a recent session with a couple, this dynamic presented itself. While sounding mathematical, Triangulation refers to something one or both partners in a couples relationship rely on when there is a real or perceived imbalance in power between the partners. The partner who feels less powerful will figuratively bring in a third person or entity to bolster their position. " My mother says . . . .". ; "The church says . . . .". ; "Our friends say . . . .". Sometimes the third person is literally brought in. For example, a couple might be temporarily living in one of the partner's parents' home while remodeling their own home. In the midst of an argument, one of them literally get Mom or Dad involved. Couples who are adventuresome s*xually may find a "three way" fun. This kind of "three way" is never fun. It is ugly, controlling on the one hand, and desperate on the other.
RESOLUTION: Speak for and about yourself only. In other words, make "I " statements. This might sound constrained and artificial. In practice, though, it works very well. If it is a new way of communicating in a disagreement, it probably will feel constrained and artificial. But, I promise, it is effective and eventually feels norMal--even powerful, just not too much so. "I believe having a date night is important" is much more powerful than " that's what my parents always did and they have a good marriage".
"I want s*x more often" is more powerful and convincing than "my friends think you are a prude". Both of these statements demonstrate "triangulation".
Individuals who communicate in this way in their relationships rarely, if ever, feel the need to have a "triangulation" 3 way. The s*xual variety, well, that is a matter for a later post!!!
I hope this information is helpful to you and your relationship. I planto post from time to time on subjects that come up in actual therapy sessions with my patients, but in a general way so as to never violate confidentiality. Please always feel free to leave comments or ask questions via facebook or email at Ronrwphd@gmail. com.