Open Book Parenting

Being shy is a way of operating in the world; it's part of our personality. Social anxiety is something that STOPS us from operating; it's something to be overcome. You can, of course, be both shy and socially anxious but that's ok because we're not trying to change people into being someone they're not. We're working with who they are so that they can access all of the opportunities that interest them.

And I would say that this is one of the hardest things for parents to understand ABOUT young children (and I would also say that this is an ongoing growing edge for children for longer than we'd like). When a child says, "I hate you" to a parent, they do mean to be hurtful because they are feeling hurt and they're trying to communicate it (children often try to convey their feelings by passing them on because they don't have the language for them yet). But they don't know the deeper consequences of being hurtful. They don't understand that a parent might struggle to withstand that hurt because children think other people -- especially their beloved, all powerful caretakers -- are impervious. We need to teach them but also care for ourselves so that we feel less pummeled in the process. When we are feeling loved and cared for, a 3-year old's ferocity won't bother of us. But if we are feeling exhausted and forgotten, a 3-year old shouting, "You're a dumb mommy!" might feel like the last straw. We have to survive the tiny (and not so tiny) cruelties of our kids both because we are the people who are going to build the bridge to empathy and kindness. That's not always easy. But recognizing it as a developmental task -- like learning to use the potty, learning to read, learning to tie their shoes -- might make it a little easier.

Here's how to tell whether or not your helping is helpful to your anxious child in the long term. Remember that the Parenting Pitfalls keep kids STUCK while healthy supports help kids GROW.

Child anxiety can trick us -- and them -- into thinking that they need more help than they do. My basic intro program, Resiliency Sprint, is all about helping you create the strong foundation that builds your child's confidence and your confidence in them! I'd love for you to check it out at my web site or DM me for more info.