Bumblebee Lotus

You matter!

It’s Thursday and time for another long post! (This really might become a thing.) Incoming brain dump in 3… 2… 1…

I am back to it at NewBo today! Idk if I’ll be here til close or if Madi is coming in later… we’re just winging it today. Either way someone will be here til 8pm. 💛

I have some exciting news! There’s gonna be some new faces coming into the shop soon so that this girl can regain her spark. 🫶🏼 It’s important for me to be able to be fully present while at the shop and not off somewhere else mentally. I have a tiny crew that is down to help out part time and I’m seriously so grateful. As of right now there is not a set schedule so it’ll be like a box of chocolates… ya never know who you’re gonna get! 😂

Showing up as authentically me hasn’t been as easy lately. I’ve been trying to do the most and running myself completely empty and never actually recharging when I have time to. I start to and then just keep finding things I HAVE TO get done and then it’s back to the same cycle of barely sleep, work all night, work all day, ignore friends cuz I’m too tired and don’t have the mental capacity for anything or anyone. All that stuff I preach about take care of your mental health and self-care is a thing I need to check myself on. It’s easy to explain how to fix it… much more difficult to do the work. Doing the work requires me to actually dig into the issues and get to the bottom of it and that s**t sucks. I miss my best friend. I miss feeling like I can remember things without writing 50 notes to myself and still forgetting to do them.

I love to be able to say I’m proof of mental healing in process, but MAN does it wear on me. I am so used to pouring my all into everything and everyone else that it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around life lately. I got my glass awards from CR Community Votes over a week ago and haven’t even shown anyone. Didn’t even take them out of the boxes or take pics of them. Something is off. Why am I not excited as hell and wanting to be like LOOK WHAT I GOT?! They’re the first awards I’ve won in my life that weren’t like a ribbon for gymnastics. I should be ecstatic about it… not hiding them in the box they came in.

Will I make it thru this whatever this is moment? Yep. Is it gonna take a min? Yep. Am I bailing out cuz it’s hard? Nope. I just might not be one at the shop when ya come visit next. Not cuz I don’t want to be here, but because the shell of a human I’ve become isn’t what the face of my brand is and def not what y’all deserve to be interacting with. The faces you’ll see are trusted and loved deeply by me, so I can assure you it’ll be the same type vibe you’ll find with me here… maybe a tiny bit less unhinged. 😅

I don’t use AI to brain dump thoughts so if they’re everywhere and grammar isn’t grammaring it’s cuz it’s just me. My bad if this isn’t smooth flowing… neither is life so kinda makes sense. 😆

If y’all want bold, in your face honesty, here ya go:
I don’t know how to accept this level of success that’s happening.

Being told growing up that my ideas won’t happen cuz they’re too big def played a massive role in that. Unlearning programmed thoughts is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I feel like I’m worth it, but it’s still wild to me to have people coming to me and thanking me for making posts like this one, hugging me, telling me it’s like I stole their thoughts to make a post, or just coming to see me and saying “I’ve been following you!” 👀

I still need my dad. It’s been over a year… 535 days to be exact. I have processed NONE of the fact that he’s gone and not coming back. Idk how. Idk if I want to cuz then it’s real. Thinking about processing it sends me into a temporary paralysis and I have to try to shift the thoughts to something else to be able to function the rest of the day.

I told a few other shop keepers this morning that I’m a broken ass human right now and idk what’s wrong. That’s the best I got. I’m digging and doing the work to figure it out and can’t wait to be back to myself again. Believe it or not, your comments, reactions, shares… all of it… is helping me more than I can explain. Y’all have made me cry so many happy tears and feel so loved that I can honestly say it’s because of you guys that I’m able to keep pushing thru the s**tty days.

I still love it at NewBo and am forever grateful for them believing in me… we have big things coming next year that I seriously can’t wait to tell you all about!! (Another day 😝)

I know I say thank you all the time at the end of posts, and this one will be no different.
Just THANK YOU. 💛

Come find me at the Veteran’s Memorial building downtown CR today til noon for the Freedom Festival’s Patriotic Pop-Up! 🇺🇸 Don’t mind me chowing down on pancakes too since they spoiled us vendors today!!

My hubby will be at NewBo from 10-1230ish and then coming to get me and heading back to NewBo til 6pm!! (The joys of vehicles s**tting out last second!!)

Come check out what everyone brought with them today!! I already have several things picked out from other vendors and I was left unattended today with nobody to discourage me from buying things!! I’m giving other people a chance first buttttt some things may come home with me today! 😂👏🏼

Happy Independence Day!! ❤️🤍💙