Broad Tree Coaching

Every day, center yourself with a true definition of your worth.

Because if you're like me, you keep trying to find your worth in the wrong things -- what people think of you, what you do, and how you do it. I can even make following God a method of affirmation.

Pete Scazzero wrote in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality that when we have the wrong focus, "Our experiential sense of worth and validation gradually shifts from God’s unconditional love for us in Christ to our works and performance."

So it's key to develop this experiential sense of worth and validation. Notice more of what God is doing in your life. Give him credit for what he's done in the past. Feel his love. These are all signs that you are precious to God.

It's also key to recognize that you were created in God's image and that your individual makeup is a part of God's wonderful design.

All of these can contribute to a better definition of your value.

In Matthew 18, the disciples asked Jesus who was greatest in the kingdom of heaven and Jesus pointed to a small child. Children usually don't have impressive accomplishments. But this story shows that they still have tremendous worth in the eyes of Jesus.

So today, remind yourself that IT'S VALUABLE TO DO GOOD, BUT DOING GOOD IS NOT WHAT GIVES YOU VALUE. Identify and articulate what does give you value. I've put some questions below that may be helpful.

Then, display your definition. Refer to it daily. Let your actions flow from it and SHINE in who you are!

Questions:
1. How have you experienced God's love recently or over time? What, specifically, are you grateful for?
2. What characteristics and abilities are a part of God's design for you?
3. In your own words, how are you made in God's image?
4. How do all of these define your true worth?

You were wonderfully made for good purposes. But you may have a hard time believing this because you have an inner voice telling you that you don’t measure up.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could cancel this inner critic!
The good news is that there are effective techniques to immediately reduce the influence of negative self-talk. The even better news is that practicing these techniques over time will rewire your mindset.

Here are seven of the strategies most frequently promoted by professionals. I’ve boiled them down so they’re simple to understand and execute. Experiment with them to see what works best for you.

REVEAL. The principle here is that the inner critic loses power when you articulate what it’s saying. Train yourself to stop periodically and ask, “What I am feeling? What am I thinking?” (You may want to set an alarm to remind you.) Your thoughts may be slippery, but do your best to describe them. Notice them, but don’t dwell on them.
• Ask yourself: “What is my inner critic saying?”
• Bible verse: “Whoever lives by the truth comes into the light” (John 3:21).
• Example: “I’m feeling guilt. What am I thinking about myself right now?”

REFUTE. Once you identify a negative message, you can choose to debunk it. Distinguish between the truths and the lies, distortions, or exaggerations. This technique is used in Cognitive Behavior Therapy.
• Ask yourself: “What is untrue about what the inner critic says?”
• Bible verse: “He [the devil] is a liar and the father of lies” (John 8:44b).
• Example: “It’s true that I can improve, but it’s not true that I have to do everything well.”

REFUSE. Acknowledge the words of your inner critic, but refuse to engage with it. Rick Carson, author of the classic book “Taming Your Gremlin” wrote, “The more you fight with him [the inner critic], the more enmeshed you will become in his depressive muck.” Your inner critic is both irrational and seductive. Sometimes it’s better to ignore it. Envisioning a barrier between you and the message can help with this.
• Ask yourself: “How can I ignore what my inner critic is saying?”
• Bible verse: “Take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one” (Eph. 6:16b).
• Example: “My ‘shoulds’ are shouting at me, but I’m telling them, ‘Talk to the hand!’”

REDIRECT. This is a strategy of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The basic steps are to accept your inner critic instead of making a big deal about it, see it as unproductive, and then focus on what’s important and meaningful to you.
• Ask yourself: “What can I focus on that’s more important and meaningful?”
• Bible verse: “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? . . . But seek his kingdom and these things will be given to you as well” (Luke 12:25, 31).
• Example: “There’s my ‘should’ voice again. Ah well. Listening to it ties me in knots. What I really want today is to walk with God and trust him.”

REFRAME. This is drawn from Parts Work Therapy. The central idea is that your inner critic is a part of your psyche and thus you want to try to understand what’s driving it. When you hear its voice, you compassionately ask yourself, “When I say this, what am I needing? How am I trying to protect myself?” This is a type of reframe because you’re taking something that seems negative and making it a positive.
• Ask yourself, “How is my inner critic actually trying to help and protect me?”
• Bible verse: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Col 3:12).
• Example: “I realize that when I tell myself I should do better, I’m just trying to keep myself safe.”
REPLACE. Focus on the positive instead of the negative. Although the brain has a negative bias and wants to dwell on the negative, science shows that focusing on something for at least 10-15 seconds can get that thought into your long-term memory. Thus, when your inner critic goes on a rant, think of something true and positive about yourself and deliberately maintain that thought.
• Ask yourself, “What can I think about that’s true and positive?”
• Bible verse: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. . . . And the God of peace will be with you.” (Phil. 4:8, 9b).
• Example: “I believe that God made me the way I am for a reason and I am enough!”

REINFORCE. Pray. There’s great power in admitting you need the help of God, as demonstrated by the success of 12-step programs. The inner critic can be tenacious. Don’t hesitate to call on the Lord for extra support. God knows how to do what you can’t, and has the power to do so.
• Ask yourself, “How can I enlist a higher power to help me overcome?”
• “Have faith in God. . . . Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” (Mark 9:22-24).
• Example: “Holy Father, I need your help. I can’t stop beating myself up. Please show me how to overcome this.”

The fight to believe in yourself as God made you is a good fight!

This is a starting point. Discover what works for you. Celebrate your victories. Have grace on yourself when you still hear the inner critic. It takes time, but you WILL make progress, bit by bit, if you persevere.

(If you'd like a PDF of this information, email me at [email protected].)

How can you overcome self-doubt?

A few days ago, Ken and I had lunch at Olive Garden. It was exactly what we expected -- soft warm breadsticks, crisp cold salad topped with freshly grated cheese, and abundant portions. Mmmmmm.

That’s because Olive Garden is a brand. Specific components create its identity.

The same is true for you. You’re a brand, of sorts. God designed you with distinctive traits. Your appearance is individual to you. But it goes much deeper than that. You have unique strengths, abilities, and characteristics. What makes you YOU is how you are kind, hard-working, easy-going, sensitive, artistic, introspective, adventurous, curious, or have the gift of gab.

Here’s some of what I know about myself. I’m creative, idealistic, sensitive, people-loving, and a planner.

What can you name about yourself? Knowing your God-given identity can be a source of strength. Sunday, I visited a church where I only knew a few individuals. As I approached strangers to start a conversation, my insecurities began to pop up. I fought these with the thoughts, “I can only be myself. God gave me good qualities. If this person doesn’t respond, that’s on them. But I will be authentic. I won’t fall into the trap of doubting myself. I won’t let their actions define me.”

When you use a spiritual lens, appreciating yourself can be a good thing. It doesn’t mean you’re conceited. You know your gifts from God and you have plenty of weaknesses. (As do we all!) It doesn’t mean you’re self-focused. Instead, you’re tuning into God’s plan for you. In fact, freedom from insecurities can give you greater delight in serving God and others.

I recently saw a story about former Washington Post publisher Katharine Graham. Something she said caught my attention: “If you've grown up thinking of yourself as a second-class citizen, you tend always to put yourself down."

This is so true. Your self-image shapes every thought about yourself and every subsequent action. Whatever reason Graham had for saying this, her words can be a wake-up call to us all.

You are a FIRST CLASS citizen, not better or worse than anyone else, but wonderfully designed and totally cool.

You know, Olive Garden doesn't sit around and say, "If only we had a blooming onion like Outback." They do Olive Garden.

In the same way, believe in your brand. Know it. Own it. In humility, let it be a source of strength.

And then step up and believe God will use you.