Mwai Mapemba
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Background:
When I think of my childhood, my mother and my grandparents, I immediately think about the kind of learning processes that I have been through. Some of my learning experiences have been very Pavlovian in nature, when I would learn to associate certain sounds and expressions with different events and proceedings. I was constantly at the demand of my mom and grannies wishes. This of cour
On Attention, Possession, Obsession or Detention
It rarely announces itself loudly.
At first, it feels like care. The frequent messages. The expectation to check in. The comfort of being thought of. It feels warm, even affirming. Someone wants you, consistently, insistently.
Then one day, you are online.
Not busy. Not distant. Just present elsewhere. And the silence becomes a problem. A question follows. Then another. Why didn’t you text? The explanation is never quite enough. Being available but not attentive feels like a violation.
From there, the rules quietly form.
If you are awake, you should text.
If you are online, you should respond.
If time passes, you should explain.
Attention stops being a gift and becomes a requirement.
You begin to realise that the relationship now has a schedule. One that competes with work, thought, rest and focus. Moments that once belonged to you are now audited. Every gap must be justified. Every delay interpreted.
And you start to wonder. What is this?
Is this a relationship or is it occupation? Is this connection or is it supervision? When presence is demanded constantly, space begins to feel like disobedience. Love starts to resemble obligation.
Life, after all, does not pause for affection. Work requires immersion. Growth requires solitude. Purpose demands attention. Yet in this arrangement, anything that draws focus away from the relationship feels like betrayal. As though love must be proven through uninterrupted availability.
But is life meant to be reduced to this?
Is love supposed to consume every minute or support the life being lived? Is attention a sign of care or has it quietly become possession? At what point does desire for closeness cross into obsession and when does expectation turn into detention?
Perhaps the most unsettling part is how normal this has become. Constant access is mistaken for commitment. Emotional dependency is confused with devotion. And exhaustion is brushed off as effort.
This is the world we live in.
A world where love is measured by response time. Where being unavailable feels offensive. Where choosing to focus elsewhere requires permission.
And yet, a life well lived cannot be lived on a typing indicator.
Perhaps love is not meant to occupy every moment. Only to make the moments it touches more meaningful.
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