Kaytee Jones

Hey baby,

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m thinking of you. Just like every other day but worse.

We only got 3 christmases together, that’s not fair is it. I’m so sorry you’re not here, this is the second one without you now.

I can’t help but think you’d have enjoyed this one so much more than any we had together. You’d be 5 now and I just know you’d have mastered the excitement and intrigue of those presents under the tree.

I wonder if you’d have opened one and been consumed by your curiosity for that toy or if you’d be eager to open more. Personally I think you’d be fascinated by what was in from of you and I’d hear “open” “open”.

I wonder how your vocabulary would have grown now. I know it would have because you’re so clever, I just wonder to what extent.

You were kneeling and lifting yourself to your feet using the sofa to surf along when I last had you at home a year and a half ago, I wonder if you’d be stumbling around this Christmas.

I hate that I don’t know if you’d have outgrown Ben and holly, Peppa Pig, Duggee and Paw Patrol. I wonder if there would be new interests? I wonder what I’d have brought you this year. I know it would be something to challenge you like a puzzle, you love learning.

I don’t know if you can see me, so if you can I’m sorry there’s no Christmas tree or decorations at home it just doesn’t feel right without you.

I remember feeling alone Christmas Day because it was just me and you, wishing I had more people to surround you with like a big family but now I’d give anything for it to be just me and you because me and you was everything.

I’m going to nip around to nanas but probably not for long as it’s where I last pictured you under the Christmas tree and I don’t want to cry. And then I’m going to go and spend the day with Leianne and the girls because it’s Leianne’s birthday so that’ll keep me busy and I’ll probably laugh so I hope you see that and laugh with me.

I miss you baby. All day every day but even more so today if that’s possible.

Christmas is for children, you should be here. I’m sorry you don’t get to experience this.

I love you more than life. You’ll always be the best part of my story.

Mama. ❤️

First flight: “Have you got kids?”

Person 1: “yea I did have”, “did have?” “He passed away last year, anyway explain these boxes to me please”
(told and changed subject)

Person 2: “I had a little boy he passed away last year” *lots of questions* “do you feel comfortable talking about him?”
(Open and calm)
At that point I realised this is my first time being in the position of having colleagues and being asked a really standard question. I realised how significant this first flight was in being my first day at work in 18 months since he passed.

Person 3: *sees iPad wallpaper of me and jaxon* “kaytee do you have a kid?!” *quickly and panicking* “yeah” “omg how old is he?!” “Three” “omg well done!” *run away awkwardly excusing myself without any reason or excuse in a confined space making the whole situation odd and colleague confused*

Person 1 & Person 2 were next to person 3 at the time so maybe I wasn’t able to say it in a group? Or maybe sometimes I prefer to pretend and I couldn’t because they were there? Person 2 told person 3 after I left to explain my unusual behaviour.

I don’t know how I feel about talking about him. When I was away I wasn’t heavily distracted and when the conversation came up I shut it down to continue being distracted maybe?

Or.. maybe I can’t bring myself to have a full on conversation when I need to keep a professional head on.

Maybe I feel I’ll lose control if I talk about him?

I know it makes me feel vulnerable.

It also makes me feel a little judged, like “omg poor her!” and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. But equally I do because I don’t want them to think it’s insignificant?

Maybe it’s that no matter what anyone says when I do tell them, it never helps?

I later told more crew when the situation with person 3 came up and as much as they felt sorry for the situation. They don’t know him, you know?

Person 2 asked questions but ultimately, it didn’t leave me feeling any better y’know? Maybe even a little frustrated that I couldn’t get across how amazing he was because his death is at the forefront of their mind.

With new crew every trip, I’m going to have to learn how I want to handle it and fast.

How do I take you with me, when you’re not here?

I noticed yesterday I’ve lost a diamond out of my ring with his hair.

Which led me to remember that I still can’t find the hair I cut specifically to travel with and sprinkle where I go, so I don’t feel like I have enough of him with me.

I never will though will I.

I have his passport, and his hair in my ring, I wish I had his duggee but that’s buried with him, and his Ben we lost in the weeks before he passed. Maybe I’ll take a piece of clothing?

It’ll never be enough.

I hate the way the seasons change without you, the years days and seconds too. & now, my life without you.

For anyone with no experience of children with disabilities, following the Love Is Blind discussion I just wanted to share another perspective…

I had a little boy, for 3 beautiful years.

During his first year I learnt that he had two genetic conditions causing learning disability and kidney problems, a life-threatening heart condition and within 3 months he was solely tube fed and by 3 he still couldn’t walk.

“Medically complex” “disabled” “genetic conditions” “learning disability”.. these are all labels that define his body’s capabilities.

But Jaxon, and any child, are more than these labels.

Jaxon was funny. The faces he would pull. The way he would say bitch when trying to say brick😂. The way he would belly laugh at the silliest things or try and lick the cat back!😅

Jaxon was caring. The way he would pull my head to lean on him whilst he was playing on his kindle and stroke my ear🫶🏻. The way he’d reach out and say “cuddle” for some love or when he just wanted to distract you from doing something he didn’t want to do🫠.

Jaxon was sociable and friendly. He would waved to random people on the street from his chair or the car🥹. He was shout the names of his escorts to school as soon as we heard the bus pulling up. He called out for his school friends throughout the holidays and he adored his teachers. And it was the cats names he’d say as soon as I’d telling him we were leaving hospital after a stay.

Jaxon loved life.

Jaxon vomited every day for three years and he’d still put a sick bowl on his head and pretend it was a hat to make me laugh🤓. Jaxon would be in hospital attached to IVs and ECGs and still have the biggest smile on his face, he put me to shame!

Jaxon had all of these battles. He couldn’t walk, he didn’t eat orally, he had many many medical difficulties.. but he was also a little boy that brightened up everyone’s day and he loved to explore this world he got a small slice of.

I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t challenging but I won’t let anyone believe it wasn’t worth it.

Just another perspective. From the eyes of a mother.

(Not in relation to TMFR, solely based on the perception of children with disabilities)

And here we are.. the week I’ve been dreading.

AvMed aka Aviation Medicine

I’ve already contemplated not going in tomorrow. As I sat in the classroom and heard through the timetable. It’s not that I can’t do it, I don’t want to.

But I also don’t want this to have all been in vain.

It’s highly likely there’s going to be parts I sail through and enjoy as my interest in medicine is still in there somewhere. For me, emergencies were always my favourite. I always felt competent and confident in that being the environment I thrived in.

And I don’t have any doubt that if a real life emergency happened in front of me right now, I would respond appropriately without the time to think about it and be triggered.

But knowing in advance I’m going to be studying in depth, in a room full of people, CPR .. after I watched it not be enough for Jaxon is anxiety inducing.

This is by far my hardest challenge yet 💔

I approached the trainers to talk about it today and was crying before I could even explain and I’m trying to tell myself that’s okay, and that I’m still capable.

I’m not worried about the exams at this point. I’m not worried about my medical knowledge or skills. I’m worried about my own heart and the one that’s no longer with me.

Miss you baby. Imma need to try your affirmations for this one❤️