MeThoughts

*I'M NOT OKAY*

I don't know where to start. I've been through so much these past few months. I'm trying so hard nit to give up but I get to a breaking point sometimes and then bounce back. This year has not been good to me, in fact I've experienced more s**t, since last year december till now, than I've ever experienced my whole life. And I'm in my late 20's. I guess it all started in November and rapidly gotten worst since December. I've cried, I've been depressed, I've been angry. Last month was the first time I went 24 hours without eating. I've lost hope, I've asked God why I'm going through so much all at once. I've been praying every night, when I don't have the courage to pray I just say: "Lord, you know best. I surrender my all to you". I don't know what else to do, everything else I've tried has failed. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm tired. It feels like I've been abandoned. I do have some good days but mostly bad days. Today was a bad day, I lost some money. And I'm not sad that I lost the money but I'm sad that this one thing I was trying to do to make my life a bit easier just failed. I know this is a part of life, everybody goes through s**t in their life. I know this is my hard time in life. It's not the worst life anyone could have. I try counting My blessings, other people have it far worse than me.
I've seen a video the other day, a man was explaining that God will sometimes put you in situations where you will have no other option but Him. It sound a bit manipulative, but that's the point I'm at right now. I do not know where my help will be from or how much longer I will go through this but I pray that it's very soon.

I know I will get through this and that is what keeps me going but most days I'm not okay....

*MY MIND IS A MESS*
How is it possible to miss so many people at once? I'm confused. I miss all of you even you that I haven't met yet. I know I only want to f*ck AH but when I saw him on that video with that girl right beside him, I got jealous and started missing him. We had good conversation and we understand each other, we had that one night when we enjoyed each other company but we only danced with each other. Everytime I think back to that day I feel your arms around me and your hands on my butt. I liked the way you touched me, it made me h***y and I wanted more of you.
TP, we have never seen each other maybe it won't happen either, but I was thinking of you yesterday and today. I miss our conversations.
I don't have to mention you, you are always in the back of my mind. You refuse to go away so you just stay there lurking. Hope all is well with you and I miss you most.