Guernsey

h the inevitable blank looks/piss taking. You have been known to refer to England (or France) as "the mainland"

You remember when the YESS shops were the Guernsey Press shops, Checkers Express was Stampers, RBSI was the Royal Hotel and Admiral Park wasn't even a twinkle in an architecht's eye...

You totally slag off the Guernsey Press...but still read it to see if you know anyone in it. The Muratti, the Siam Cup and the Island Games are all important sporting dates

You remember when Barbados was The Monkey, Buddha Bar was Bambou, Toast was Baloos, Rogues was 54, Claddagh was the WKD Bar and you totally can't keep up with whether they're calling it the Bankers or the White Hart this week. If you're older than me, then you remember number 10, Nix, Whispers, the Buzz Bar and the Cozy (now Albion)

You went to under 18s nights at 54, the Monkey and Peaches. You know that North Beach is not a beach, the States has nothing to do with America, the Bridge isn't actually a bridge at all and the Cup and Saucer has nothing to do with crockery

You roll your eyes at English people's pronounciation of Le Prevost, Castel, Mahy, L'Islet, Moulin Huet and all other Guernsey names

You shorten Valle des Terres to Valdies, the Rockmount to the Rocky, the Vazon Bay to the VB and Beau Sejour to Beausie...and are unsure on exactly what the States overspent about a billion pounds on when building the new Beausie. When talking about people, you have heard your parents describe someone as, 'the girl Le Lacheur' or 'the boy Falla' and are resigned to the fact that whoever you go out with, your parents and/or your friends will somehow know your boyfriend's parent's best friend's neighbour's dog, or similar tenuous link. You know what 'a la perchoine' and 'sarnia cherie' mean

Your summer revolves around Cobo/Vazon/the rockmount and the highlight is Liberation Day, the North Show and the Vale Earth Fair

You used to hang around Port Soif/Grandes Rocques/Vazon carparks and beaches from the ages of about 13 to 16 and remember the (actually very good) beach parties at Pembroke

You are very smug about how Guernsey is a tax haven (despite the fact that it costs roughly the same amount of money to buy a shed in Guernsey as it would to buy a four bedroom house in England)

During the summer, you get serious road rage at the tourist's hire cars who just don't know how to use filters or any traffic jam lasting over 10 minutes. You roll your eyes/rant every time Tom Scott is mentioned in conversation. You have been rock/cliff jumping and cow tipping

You know why it is a good idea to avoid the sea front and coast at high tides (seaweed all over your windscreen, anyone?)

You watch 'Spotlight' and 'Channel Report'

You can (and regularly have to) reverse about 3 miles up a lane in St Andrews/Torteval/St Peters to reach a passing place

You have no recollection of ever seeing more than about half an inch of snow but get insanely excited every time someone says, 'ooh might stick this time'. You refer to people from Jersey as 'crapauds'...and know what it means. You can always recognise any Guernsey car in England because of the absence of letters on the numberplate

You find it totally normal that you have to take a plane or boat to England

You have been to Herm, Sark, Jersey or even France for lunch, if you have/know someone with a boat. You find it bizarre that the pubs in England close at 11pm, instead of 1am. You know that if you can't get a taxi from town, in the rank or scab a lift off anyone at all, you can always walk, and it won't take you longer than about two hours max! You bought alcohol from Candie Cache and/or Collings Road shopper when you were 14, as they would serve anyone. You spent a large portion of your early teenage years uncomplainingly wandering around lanes looking for house parties which were 'near the Hangmans' or 'just down the road from L'Ancresse', and getting there was equally as fun as the actual party. You know what ormering is, and have possibly done it as well. MacDonalds is a huge novelty and must be eaten as soon as you get off the plane. You can slag off living in Guernsey as much as you want but if anyone not from Guernsey tries to, you act as though they have just mortally insulted your family.

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