Ultrabirch

What you see is a weight that represents 6 months of grit, sacrifice, pain and acceptance.

I accepted my hand 🃏 that I was dealt following my unceremonious exit from Tahoe 200 in June. The uphill battle I encountered after was like nothing I have experienced in sport.

The push and pull of recovery, setbacks and compensation injuries as I tried to dig 🪏 my way out of it all was like getting tossed around in a wave 🌊 out in the surf.

I gained 25-30 pounds during this time and it has toyed with my mental game that I have prided myself on. It is what took me through 300miles in the dessert and 200 miles in the mountains last year alone.

This was a new game, that I had never played before…

Stepping on the scale became a daily ritual that buried me further as I fixated on the number and shamed myself for still gorging on the same amount of food and calories I was eating when running 80-100km weeks. I have said things to myself that I am not proud of… for that I apologize.

That body I had at 160lbs as I endured the hardest period of my life taking PTSD, Depression and Anxiety head on. It may not have been the healthiest situation and I was mourning a body that no longer served who I have fought to become.

I now believe wholeheartedly that this 185lbs is not a burden, but indeed a strength. A sign that I am now working to support a body and mind that is stronger than ever.

This has been a shift that I owe myself to surrender to and accept, leaning into how I feel and using that number on the scale as a guide, not an absolute.

I want to thank a few people including my wife for the support they have shown me in this tumultuous state I have been living through.

Jason for always being an ear, friend and voice. That call today made my month. Ash for giving me the belief that I can build an unbreakable body through your strength training program. To who I will be connecting with to learn about nutrition and adapt to this new body.

Body dysmorphia as a male in endurance sports is real and I will be here for anyone who wants to share or talk.

I am finding my way, one box squat at a time.